How I Quit Shame Cold-Turkey

Shame is like the mythical monster under your bed. You are so terrified it will devour you that you won't even look to see if the monster is real. When you allow yourself to see and feel your shame by shining a light on it, you will see how the story about your shame was all made up — just like the monster under the bed.

I have let shame run my life for many years, by not allowing myself to look at it, acknowledge it, or feel it.

By keeping it at bay, I thought I was protecting myself from the pain it generated, but what I did was create an environment for it to fester and grow.

My shame pattern (and likely yours) looks like this:

1. I do something

2. Someone I care about doesn’t like it and reacts

3. I register their disappointment or anger, feel immediate shame, and freeze

When preparing to write this article, I thought about a pattern of engagement I had with a close friend. Our personalities went into battle in such a way I played the victim for a long time.

When I went to run the idea past her, she was not happy with the idea or what I wrote, and did not want me to publish it. What happened next was the perfect illustration of how I begin a shame-spiral.

Upset woman sits with closed body language, she is in a shame spiral fizkes via Shutterstock

She thought I should have known she wouldn’t want me to write about it since I knew she was a private person. When I heard her negative reaction, I felt a pang in my stomach and a wave of nausea.

Then I froze. I didn’t want to feel like that. I thought, “I can’t write about shame, because it will hurt my friend. I have to trash the article.”

I stopped myself in my tracks. Then I got angry.

I thought she was trying to control me and started to explain how it was really about me, and how I noticed my pattern around pushing away shame, not looking at it to feel peaceful.

Then I felt another pang in my stomach and nausea again. This time, however, it occurred to me to pay attention to that physical reaction. It was telling me something.

Following the feeling of shame instead of running from it

Suddenly it dawned on me I felt ashamed for not thinking of how the article would impact my friend — how it would feel to her.

Instead of running away from the feeling, I decided this time to let it come and wash over me. I dropped my thoughts, turning my attention to the sensation in my body, and the emotion I was feeling. Quite frankly, it felt awful.

I cried and cried with fear I had created a permanent disconnection with my friend by even conceiving of the article. But, lo and behold, after not such a long period, my breathing slowed down, my muscles began to relax, the nausea and fear went away — and I was, much to my surprise, okay. I was okay, and I realized I hadn’t done anything wrong.

Then I began to laugh out loud. It occurred to me I didn’t need to write about the pattern with my friend at all. I had all I needed right there in front of me.

The experience of writing something that triggered a fear reaction in my friend ended up triggering a shame reaction in me and I could see it in real-time, allowing me to observe who I become when I am in the grips of shame.

So here is what I saw:

I feel shame
I go through my physical response cycle, then I try to resist the feeling and turn away from the shame
Then I judge the messenger — whoever delivered the words or judgment that triggered my shame
Then I make up stories about them. They shouldn’t have reacted that way. They just don’t understand me. They are trying to control me. They don’t care about my creativity
Then I feel more shame and blame myself. How could I react that way? I am so mean and insensitive

I jump to artificial compassion for the messenger, to avoid my feelings and feel better about myself imagining I am more understanding than them. Then I deflate and become a smaller version of myself.

I cry.
I hide.
I disengage.
I lose focus.
I am unable to think.

On and on it goes.

@dramberthornton Hi! Im working through a Shame Spiral, you too? 🤪 #momlife #workingmom ♬ original sound - Dr. Amber | Psychologist

In a nutshell, I utterly and completely go out of the state of being present in my emotions and experience, and I lose myself as I resist the shame.

What I was reminded of through this experience is I have a habit of shaming myself and running away from the shame I created. I create more pain for myself when I resist feeling the shame and go into my tailspin, fueled by judgments about myself and others. The tailspin lasts far longer than a couple of minutes it takes to drop my judgment stories and let the shame wash over me and dissipate.

It is the not wanting to look at and feel the shame that is the problem, not the feeling of shame itself.

There was a time in my life when I would let shame knock me down for days, months, years at a time. It was a well-established habit. What I eventually came to understand is the only way to break the habit is to practice allowing the shame to roll through.

It is just a form of fear I trigger in myself, believing I shouldn’t have done what I did.

It is far more productive to let the shame move through, from a space of presence for it, and then consider whether a different course of action would bring me closer to what I want.