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When a woman feels unwanted, you'll know it.
By Michael W. Regier, PhD — Last updated on May 18, 2022
When a woman feels unwanted in a relationship, tensions arise.
Feeling unwanted in a relationship means feeling neglected or not feeling prioritized. Perhaps a woman feels like she’s doing all of the emotional labor in her relationship.
When a woman feels neglected, she could lash out or keep it bottled up inside.
What happens when a woman feels unwanted in a relationship?
Both men and women can go on the attack in love relationships when they feel hurt, let down, or unloved. But more often than not, a pattern gets established where the woman uses a verbal attack to get the man she loves to emotionally engage with her.
She will often apply exaggerated words like "never" or "always" to describe his unfeeling behavior. Her tone is often critical and the intensity of her emotion can sound too harsh or manipulative.
When women attack men, they don’t realize how they sound and how harmful and futile their attacks are. They do not know how much they are frightening the man they love.
When her emotional expression results in her partner’s shutting down or walking away, she assumes that she is being ignored and that he really doesn't care about what she is feeling.
This sets off a primitive survival alarm — the fight-or-flight instinct. He takes flight in order to save his life. And she reacts by fighting to try to get to the bottom of his lack of compassion.
Our primary love relationships are critical for our emotional and physical health. We quickly begin to regress when we sense that they are in danger.
Sadly, this can be an everyday cycle for many couples. It's frustrating, confusing, and painful. And it's a lose-lose scenario. It pulls the relationship apart, causing one or both partners to lose interest, rather than strengthening the marital bond.
If you’re saying, “I feel unwanted by my girlfriend” or “my wife feels unloved, and I don’t know what to do,” look no further.
7 triggers that may cause a woman to feel unwanted and what to do about each
1. Saying "Hello" in an emotionally flat tone.
Even though you are tired and stressed out, she wants to know that you look forward to seeing her.
What to do about it: Acknowledge that it is great to be home with her before you unpack your emotions from the day.
2. Leaving her alone at a social event.
Whether they're an introvert or extrovert, women do want to be with their guy at a social event.
What to do about it: There may be times when it makes sense to separate to get caught up with an old friend or to a business network. If you check in before you separate and then circle back, she will feel connected rather than rejected.
3. Ignoring her or making fun of her when she's afraid.
A lot of men like the adventure of cycling, hiking, kayaking, or speeding.
What to do about it: The more she trusts you, the faster you can go without triggering her fear response. And the more responsive you are to her fears, the more you can enjoy the rush of adrenaline together.
4. Being more animated and having more fun with friends than with her.
This sends a signal that she is not as interesting to you as other people are.
What to do about it: Bring her into fun conversations with others. Find creative ways to keep the fun alive between the two of you.
5. Not standing up for her in front of your children.
This makes her feel dis-empowered and can cause the kids to play favorites.
What to do about it: Always stand with her in front of the children. Discuss disagreements behind closed doors. Apologize to the kids together when you are wrong.
6. Drinking more than she feels safe with.
If she feels embarrassed or unsafe by your drinking, it is too much — even if it is only two drinks.
What to do about it: Learn to listen to her and pull back when she says you are no longer pleasant.
7. Betraying her.
Not telling her the truth or becoming emotionally or physically involved with another person fractures every relationship. Trust is the foundation of all love relationships. This causes a deep wound of insecurity that leads to her being hyper-vigilant and questioning your every move.
What to do about it: Humbly admit your betrayal, ask for forgiveness and compassionately respond to her need for reassurance. Eventually, the relationship may be able to heal on its own. If not, find a therapist who can help the two of you process this strong emotion.
All relationships require a great deal of tender loving care.
Without it, they can easily spiral into boredom, disconnection, and betrayal. Loving compassion holds the bond of marriage together. Without it, the relationship will feel like an empty business arrangement.
Your love relationship is your most important source of stability, self-esteem, and prosperity. If you put your relationship with your partner as the priority, you will profit in more ways than you can imagine.
What to do if you're feeling unwanted in a relationship
1. Figure out what's causing the feeling.
First, it's important to understand what aspects of your relationship are making you feel unwanted. Zero in on the things that trigger this feeling in you.
2. Express your feelings to your partner.
When speaking with your partner about feeling unwanted, it's important to avoid doing so in a way that makes them feel attacked.
Instead, focus on naming what you're feeling and give specific instances and examples of what makes you feel that way using "I" statements.
3. Spend more quality time together.
Try to carve out some time for you to spend with each other. When you're together, be mindful and present so you have the chance to re-form your emotional connection.
4. Do more of what makes you happy.
If you have the tendency to base your emotions on what your partner is feeling, focus on taking some time away for yourself to do the things that you enjoy.
5. Consider seeing a therapist.
Whether you find it hard to express your feelings or just want an unbiased and professional opinion of your relationship, try seeing a couples therapist who can help guide you back to a healthy relationship.
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Michael W. Regier, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and certified emotionally focused couples therapist and EFT supervisor who helps couples and individuals within California via the Internet or in his San Luis Obispo office. He and his wife Paula are authors of the book Emotional Connection: The Story & Science of Preventing Conflict & Creating Lifetime Love.
This article was originally published at MichaelRegier.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.