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Are you hurt? Think about how they feel instead.
By Michael Griswold
Last updated on Oct 03, 2023
So, you and your partner broke up. Is it possible that they may still be desperate for you to win them back? Yes, it is.
Maybe they said it's over. Perhaps they said they don't love you anymore. Or maybe (if they're mad) they said they never loved you at all.
And now? Now they're dating that other person.
How to get your ex back (after you royally screwed up):
1. Understand there is a chance
You might think you've got no chance because you don't know how to get your ex back. Believe it or not, none of those things have anything to do with whether you can get your lover back.
Because, as you'll see, there's something they desperately want — something that only YOU can give them.
There's a sneaky little secret about people they've been hiding from you, and for good reason: it is the biggest secret to overcoming their resistance, the secret between getting them back and keeping them this time or letting them slip away forever.
2. Know they wanted it to work
There isn't a person alive who thinks, "You know what I want to do? I want to fall in love and give them my heart, body, and soul. I want to make memories, inside jokes and plans for the future... and then, I want my heart to be ripped away from theirs and have to go through the process all over again."
Right? No one thinks that. In other words, when you started dating, they wanted it to work out. And every step they took with you was a step toward the future. Every step they took with you was a bonding experience. Every step made them feel closer to you. Every step required another investment on their part (and yours, too).
Eventually, they got to a point where they couldn't do it anymore because they didn't see a way to make that investment work. They tried to tell you what was wrong, how they felt, and why they were unhappy. Maybe you listened, but they didn't feel heard or understood.
They felt like they were on a merry-go-round where you see the same scenery and the same issues repeat. People give themselves to their relationships; it's one of their best qualities.
They were working on the relationship like it was their Ph.D. thesis. That's how they felt. When they didn't believe you were in the same boat with them, when they felt like they were the only one rowing, they bailed.
RELATED: 4 Signs Your Ex Does NOT Deserve Another Chance (EVER!)
3. Realize how you failed them
They were emotionally drained and saw no way out but to get out. And because it's so painful for them to face the disappointment, to face the failure of all they hoped for, they tell you:
"It's over."
"I don't love you anymore."
"I never loved you."
Why do they say those things when it isn't true?
This is where it gets interesting: Even though they feel like they worked hard on this relationship, they still (at least partially) blame themselves for the failure. It's easier for them to tell you it's over; think of it as a coping mechanism.
4. Accept it is easier to be angry than hurt
It's easier to be mad than to feel hurt, disappointed, or to get their hopes up again. If they can convince themselves they don't love you, maybe, just maybe, the ache in their heart will stop hurting so much. And you understand this intuitively.
Here's where you come to the rescue. Here's where you learn how to get your ex back! Because the fact is, if there were ANY way they could see things possibly working out with you, they'd be back in your arms quicker than you can microwave a Hot Pocket.
Why? Because you know them. They feel comfortable with you. You know their vulnerabilities. You know the things they're embarrassed about, the secrets about them no one else knows.
They don't want to go through the terrifying process of doing that with someone new. They don't want the last however-long-you-were-dating to feel like a waste.
5. Fix your mistakes
Now, this might sting a bit, but you're the only one who can heal the hurt because you're the one who caused it.
Yes, they can move on and find someone else, but a part of their soul and heart will be left behind. And there will be a scar that covers it, making them a little more jaded, a little less open, and a little more cynical.
They don't want that. You don't want that. It doesn't have to end that way. They need you to show them that it can work. Once you do, they can drop all their defenses and come back to you.
By winning them back, you prove to them you listened, you love them, and you will love them from this point forward. You can make them feel emotionally safe. Don't you want to?
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Michael Griswold is a relationship and life coach who uses his expertise to help men and women heal broken hearts and find love again.