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Kiss and make up.
By Marilyn Orr — Written on Jun 06, 2018
Relationship fights are inevitable. It's how you bounce back from them that counts.
So how can you fix your relationship after you've said or done something damaging during a screaming argument with your partner?
It's all about how you navigate conflict resolution.
Here are 5 critical steps you should take to fix your relationship after a fight:
1. Acknowledge that something is wrong.
At this point, you may not even know what happened to upset the other person. It is enough to know something doesn't feel right in order to start this conversation.
2. Don't be defensive when you ask for details about what happened.
I know, easier said than done right?! How do we do this? Well, focus on really wanting to love your partner well. The more you are able to listen and learn what they need and where you may need to grow, the better a relationship you will both enjoy.
One of the best techniques to reduce defensiveness is to decide before you even start to listen that you will not be responding until later. This means you ask details and ask for more, like how your actions impacted your partner but you leave your response out.
Listen thoroughly without justifying, explaining, or blaming. Tell your partner before starting to listen that you want to listen well and will not be responding until later so that you can really hear them.
3. Take time to reflect on what you heard before responding.
Letting your reaction to what you heard shift from wanting to justify and protect yourself to being willing to consider your partner’s point of view can take time.
Ask yourself some questions like: "Have I had this kind of feedback before? From other people?" or "How is my partner different from me that would make what I did/said painful for them?"
4. Prepare what you want to say.
I’m not saying read a statement, that isn't very personal. However, taking time to write out thoughts about how you want to love your partner better, about areas you want to grow in and about what specifically you are sorry for. A blanket "I’m sorry" really doesn't do much.
Apologies need to be specific and need to be offered after really understanding the impact of your actions. Writing out your thoughts lets you process them more and therefore you will be better prepared to say what you really want to say to your partner.
5. Find a good time to talk.
One of the best techniques for better resolution is to find a time that is good for both of you. This allows emotions to calm and removes both distractions and other factors that could make your talk more difficult.
I used to believe that things had to be dealt with and resolved right away. This is not true and that is often not the preferred conflict resolutions style for both people.
This process takes more work than just saying “sorry” but the benefits for both of you are huge! The best relationships are not those without conflict, they are those that have the power tools to deal effectively with it and grow as a result.
Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is a relationship coach with Luv Life Coaching, passionate about equipping couples with the tools for real and lasting intimacy. Is Luv Life Coaching an appropriate next step for you? Take their online questionnaire to find out.
This article was originally published at Luv Life Coaching blog. Reprinted with permission from the author.