Why Our Creepy 'Virginity Obsession' RUINS Sex For Women

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virgin obsession ruins sex for women

Our culture's obsession with female virginity is, in a word — toxic. The messages young girls and women receive about the "value" of their virginity blocks their sexual power, pleasure and freedom.

Let's look at three false and harmful messages about virginity (inherited from family, religion and society) that cramp your mojo during sex and what to do about them.

1. A woman's virginity belongs to someone else.

It starts in the past: Women are legal property. A father hands off his virgin daughter to her new husband. This guarantees paternity.

Here are some current examples: A father "gives away" his daughter in a marriage ceremony. "I lost my virginity to my boyfriend …" places your virginity in your boyfriend's hands. "Saving" your virginity for someone reinforces that it belongs to someone else.

I'm calling this script bullsh*t. How about you? 

Let's flip that script to: You "own" your body and your sexuality. While family, religion and society are like back seat drivers in your sex life, you're actually in the driver's seat. Your virginity and your sexuality belong to you!

Doesn't it sound more appealing to choose the what, where, when, why and how of sex yourself?  Consent is key. When you own your sexuality, it brings clarity, healthy boundaries, joy and confidence. And that's downright sexy!

2. Virginity has one definition

I couldn't find one good definition of virginity. So I reached out to Nicole Cushman. She's the Executive Director of Answer, a national organization promoting comprehensive sex education.

Here's what she says, "There is no precise term or shared universal definition of virginity. It's more important to have a clear sense of your personal values around sex and align your behavior with that."

The most common definition of losing virginity — male penis penetrates inside female vagina — leaves out the entire community of LGBTQ folks. It, also, creates the environment where teens are "technical virgins" to keep their virginity, but still engage in oral sex and anal sex

How does that apply to you? You know those "one size fits" shirts that don't actually fit you? It's the same thing with your virginity and sexuality!

Let's flip that script to: Virginity and sexuality are personal. Let's imagine sexuality as a big amusement park. You wait to go there. Or you eagerly jump in.

When you go, there are rides you go on that you love and want to ride over and over again. Some rides you are clear that there is no way in hell you're going to try! And some rides you're curious about. The rides you go on are your personal choice, just like how you navigate your virginity and sexuality.

When you allow yourself room to experiment and discover what's true for you, you'll feel happier and more fulfilled. Sound good to you?

3. Virginity is "pure." Sex is "dirty."

This message about virginity bombards us from all angles, from religion to pop-culture.

Synonyms for virgin and virginity are innocent, pure, clean, unspoiled, uncorrupted. While, on the other side, having sex is considered sinful, corrupting, nasty and dirty.

To add insult to injury, when a woman "loses her virginity" she is somehow considered changed, diminished. She has "lost" her innocence (and her worth).

Being pure before sex sets the stage for the opposite after sex. Now it's implied that she's spoiled, tainted, corrupted and dirty.

Excuse me: I'm not a pair of dirty jeans ... and neither are you!

Notice how easily our conversations about sex get filtered through this "sex is dirty" viewpoint?  How many times have you heard the phrases: "talking dirty", "dirty mind", "having nasty sex" and "she's a bad/dirty girl?"

Society shames women for their sexuality and labels like slut, whore and nympho are carelessly tossed around. (Now that's what I call shameful.)

Let's flip that script to: Sex is healthy. We're all born as sexual people. That's normal, natural and healthy.

Having sex doesn't change who you are as a person (or your value as a person). Sex is part of our self-expression; it's fun; it supports intimacy; it feels good.

Creating some fireworks in the bedroom is your right! As long as it's mutually consensual and you feel empowered, it's none of my business (or anyone else's) what blows your socks off.

When we flip the script on the toxic message that virginity matters, we free ourselves and champion our sexual power, self-expression, pleasure and freedom. It also supports other women (and men) to do the same. Don't you think it's time to step up and embrace our vibrant sexuality?

I'm passionate to support you in expressing your sexuality and living true to your heart! Want more on scripts and what you can do about them? Pick up my free guide Uncover Your Sexuality Scripts.