If You Want To Have Better Sex, Try These 9 Communication Tricks

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Relationship Advice For Having Great, Amazing, & The Best Sex Through Effective Communication Skills

Couples who have the best sex know exactly why it works for them and it's because they make sure to have open communication about it in their relationship.

Sadly, most couples do not communicate nor talk enough about their sex life and when they do, their conversations can feel uncomfortable, threatening, or embarrassing. Timing, setting, and context of conversations dealing with having sex are of vital importance.

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Sometimes, the best times and places to talk about your sexual relationship are outside of the bedroom, fully clothed in a neutral private setting with expressed and shared intentions.

This is not to say that you shouldn’t discuss things when you're being intimate in bed, but the degree of vulnerability and sensitivity that many of us feel at those times can cause us to feel defensive or reactive to anything our partner says that can in any way be construed as judgment or criticism.

These conversations are vitally important and most couples don’t have enough of them.

There are guidelines that can help you set the conditions that will enable effective communication skills with your partner about this most important subject. They can create meaningful and productive conversations about sex with a partner. 

It may take years and it’s likely that it will take longer than we think it should. But, if you want to have great and amazing sex, have patience!

Before you dive into the guidelines, here are the conditions you need that will support having fulfilling sexual experiences.

  • Intentionality: Having a clear commitment to the kind of experience that you seek to have.
  • Safety: Feeling free to be physically and emotionally vulnerable!
  • Trust: Having a sense of mutual comfort, reliability, and respect.
  • Time: Don’t rush. Have enough time to take your time.
  • Non-distraction: This refers to seeing to it that no external factors (people, phone, T.V., electronic devices, etc.), or internal factors (unresolved differences, obsessive preoccupations, and unfinished business) intrude on the experience.
  • Presence: Bringing full awareness of the present moment.
  • Responsibility: Each partner is aware of and expressive of their own power to influence the situation.
  • Honesty: The willingness to respectfully tell the truth about what is and isn’t working. Emotional honesty is speaking from your experience about what you are feeling and needing, rather than offering your opinions, advice, or judgments.
  • Sensitivity: Being attuned and responsive to each other’s desires and feelings.
  • Vulnerability: Being non-defensive and unguarded
  • Self-awareness: Being attuned to your inner experience
  • Full body attention: Rather than an exclusive focus on genitalia and orgasm.
  • Reciprocity: Mutual cooperative interchange that involves giving and receiving.

Now that you're aware of the conditions, here are the 9 steps and guidelines to take for effective communication about sex in your relationship. 

1. Announce your intention at the beginning of your conversation

This helps minimize the likelihood that your partner might feel defensive or worried that you just want to blame her or make her wrong.

For example: "I asked you to join me in this conversation because I enjoy our sex life and I think that there may be ways that it can become even more enjoyable for us both than it is now. I have some thoughts on that and I’d like to hear yours so that we can see how we can accomplish that. How does that sound to you?"

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2. Don’t interrupt your partner when they are speaking

Don't try to "correct" them if you disagree with something they said.

It’s important that they feel heard by you before you react to their words. Resist the temptation to try to get them to hear your side of things until you are both clear that you have heard and understood them.

3. Try to avoid criticism

Instead, speak in terms of what would work better for you and what you desire.

4. Focus on your sex life

Keep the focus and intention of your conversation on how the two of you can enhance the quality of your sexual experience together.

5. Think of what could make things better

Focus more on what you can do to improve things rather than what you think your partner should do.

6. Make requests, not demands

For example, "I’d really like it if we could spend more time cuddling rather than going straight for the genitals" rather than "Why does it always have to get sexual whenever we touch each other? You always have to make it about sex!"

7. Let your partner know that you really want

And what would they like from you that would enhance the quality of their experience? Then, thank them whenever they tell you.

8. Know if orgasm is important for either of you

Let your partner know whether or not you need to orgasm whenever you have sex and whether you need to have them orgasm in order for you to feel satisfied and complete.

9. Figure out what works for both of you

Talk about the logistics of having sex, like the frequency, times of day, locations, and circumstances that work best for each of you.

It should go without saying but for many people, it doesn’t help when they're stuck on their phones during sex. Unplug, turn off, or eliminate any and all electronic devices during any intimate acts. Don’t even think about answering any phone calls during sex!

Believe it or not, according to a recent study, almost 20 percent of the young adult population take calls during sex!

These are just a few examples of the importance of communication and the kinds of things that you might want to talk about or keep in mind when you have a conversation about sex.

Keep in mind that it’s always a good idea to thank your partner for joining you in this conversation and letting them know that you appreciate their desire to join to make an effort to create the most mutually satisfying and fulfilling sex life possible!

RELATED: Couples Who Have The Best Sex Do One Thing The Rest Of Us Don't

Linda Bloom, LCSW, and Charlie Bloom, MSW, are psychotherapists and relationship counselors who have worked with individuals, couples, groups, and organizations since 1975. To learn more, visit their website, Bloom Work.

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This article was originally published at PsychCentral. Reprinted with permission from the author.