5 Painfully Honest Reasons Your Wife Doesn't Initiate Intimacy

Here's how to get back the spark in your relationship.

By Doren Weinstein
Last updated on Feb 19, 2024

Photo: golubovy | Canva

Men, are you tired of always being the one who initiates intimacy all the time in your relationship? Do you wonder why your woman never makes the first move or puts her hand down your pants? Well, let me warn you — there are times and places to ask your woman that legitimate question: Why?

But I promise you ... when you want intimacy or while you're in bed together is NOT one of those times or places. (Try bringing it up respectfully over dinner when she is not so exposed — literally — or feeling fragile.) You see, asking a woman why she doesn't initiate intimacy is like asking her why her breasts never filled out or why she doesn't love you better. The question itself is heavy enough to crush even the strongest of egos. It is completely understandable to ask the question. But, before you do, let me share with you some very valid reasons why most women don't initiate it.

Here are 5 painfully honest reasons your wife doesn't initiate intimacy:

1. She needs real intimacy first

The female body needs a bit of tender loving care to fully open up. Has your woman ever said that she's feeling a lack of connection or closeness with you? Do you feel her withdrawing from you? If this sounds familiar, it's completely understandable why she's not initiating (and even turning you down). Why would she open herself up in the most vulnerable way to someone she doesn't feel safely connected to?

Intimacy is a huge factor in her desire to be physical. HUGE! If this issue is not tended to, don't act surprised if you never get touched. Yes, intimacy does take time (and re-building intimacy takes even more time). Intimacy involves connection, respect, communication, and honesty. Any healthy relationship has to have these four things present if you want to be intimate.

2. She thinks you aren't in the mood

Okay, I realize this sounds ridiculous and you're probably wondering if your woman knows you at all. But, this is a real thing. It is totally real. Woman's egos can be very fragile (just as much as any man's). Especially when it comes to putting themselves out there intimately. Most women are raised to believe that if they make the first move, they're a harlot. So, if their man is not initiating, there must be something wrong: They're not pretty, not attractive enough, they did something wrong. She certainly would not risk further rejection by initiating intimacy, so she opts out altogether.

3. She's relieved she's not being pursued

Now, this one may be confusing. But there are times when it can be nice not to be pursued. It's hard to feel like making a move if there is never an opportunity (a.k.a. YOU are always after her for intimacy). It can be important for a woman to not constantly feel pursued. Make some room for her to initiate.

4. She's annoyed with one-sided intimacy

A woman would rarely be interested in a wham-bam-thank-you-man situation. Mutual feelings, a build-up, and a wanting desire are pretty much a shoo-in. Intimacy should be like a wonderfully engaging conversation between bodies. Both bodies need attention, touch the way each person likes to experience it. Autopilot intimacy is not connective. Who wants to carry on a one-sided conversation? There would be no incentive for a woman to initiate intimacy if that is what is coming (no pun intended).

5. She's unsure of how to verbalize it

Women understand that it is equally their responsibility to initiate intimacy (or at least, they should). But, how to do that is a different issue. Sure, she could offer an invitation, but what if it's not done right and her man doesn't pick up on the signs? Initiating can feel like a slippery slope. The idea of trying to initiate intimacy again and pursuing can seem scary.