Getting Past The Paralyzing Fear Of Divorce

6 Perspectives For Getting Past Your Fear And Into Action


Are you in a relationship that you can barely tolerate? Are you in a marriage that is hanging on by a thread? Is the tension so high that you can hardly breathe when you are in the same room together? Has this been going on for a while?

Have you been contemplating divorce but haven’t had the guts to make the move? Very often couples who are struggling think a lot about divorce but never take action. They stay together far longer than the expiry date of the relationship and allow the tension to fester, the mold to grow, and the resentment to build. They are paralyzed by the discomfort of facing the conflict and perhaps even more paralyzed by the idea of being alone and not knowing if there will ever be anything better. As a coach, I have often heard clients describe the fear of financial ruin as the key reason that they just cannot separate. In addition, many parents use their kids as the reason why it’s far better to stay in a miserable relationship than cause an uproar in the lives of their kids. Trust me – your kids are already in an uproar – they notice the tension.


If you are in the type of relationship that has come to the end of its life, here are a few perspectives to help you get past your fears and start taking action on separating from what was once a workable relationship.

  1. You deserve to be happy and your kids deserve to see you happy too. It’s a huge burden for kids to carry the happiness of their parents. Take it off their shoulders – it’s time for you to take responsibility for your own happiness.
  2. It’s also time for you to release your partner from that same responsibility – there is only so much failure a person can endure. Let your partner know that he or she has been released of all the expectations that you have placed and that they are no longer responsible for your happiness.
  3. While you are at it, release yourself from the obligation to fulfill all of your partners happiness needs too. Lighten your load and focus on taking care of yourself. Oh what a relief.
  4. Ending a relationship while there are still some positive feelings is a good thing and enables you to go through what is typically a challenging process of divorce with some degree of grace and dignity. Be kind to one another as you cut the string – this will serve your kids far more than enduring an unhappy marriage. Show them how to deal with conflict. Demonstrate how one can move on without hatred and resentment. Model the process of ‘getting along even if you don’t always agree’.
  5. Financial ruin is a function of mental distress. Recovering from a financial blow is dependent on mindset. Wealth in a unhappy relationship is truly worth very little in the long run. Focus on your wellbeing and your wealth will be rebuilt with ease. Focus on how your partner is screwing you out of your wealth and you will remain in the state of mental distress.
  6. EVERY relationship that you have is a reflection of your own Frame of Mind – this pertains to your relationships now and in the future. Divorce can be the very medicine required for rejuvenation of all sorts. Use this time to re-energize and invigorate your spirit, your body, and your mind. Come back to your own dreams and goals. Get involved with the passions that you put aside for the sake of your marriage. Use this time to live again and use this time to really determine what you want in a relationship. Your marriage gave you a ton of insight – and now it’s your opportunity to use it wisely.

Next: Life is too short...


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At the end of the day, life is too short to sacrifice your happiness. Take it on with a vengeance and that means if a break-up is in order, go forward with the perspective that you are releasing yourself from an unnecessary life-sentence. You both deserve happiness – do whatever it takes to make that happen.

Kim Ades, MBA is president and founder of Frame of Mind Coaching and JournalEngine™ Software. Author, speaker, entrepreneur, coach, and mother of 5, Kim is one of North America’s foremost experts on performance through thought management. By using her unique process of coaching through journaling, she works with clients to unveil and switch their thought patterns to ignite significant change and life transformation. For a free online journal, visit