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Don't let anger destroy your relationship.
By Joan Nosal — Written on Jul 23, 2020
Are you angry all the time? Do you worry that your anger will make you lash out at your partner and say something you'll regret?
If you feel this way, then you may worry that your anger is out of control and has a mind of its own.
Anger is like a runaway train. It will soon derail a relationship, unless immediate steps are taken to control this damaging emotion.
There are ways to harness your anger without breaking your partner's heart. And you can still have the ability to express yourself.
Learning how to release your anger in safe, healthy ways is important to the health of your relationship. You don't want to hurt your partner or say something that both of you will regret later on.
Emotions, whether they are positive or negative, build on one another. One spark of anger can fuel a forest fire of rage in seconds. In order to be in control of your emotions, you need to start by understanding the spark before you can quench the blaze.
Here are 6 ways you can get your anger under control before it ends up damaging your relationship.
1. Ask yourself, "What is the real root of my anger?"
Most recurring negative emotions have a common root cause that may be deep and unresolved from a long time ago. Be honest with yourself and your partner: What was the initial spark?
Begin with you.
Take a deep breath, maybe even three. Increasing oxygen to the brain will help you think more clearly.
Write down two or three possible roots of your anger. Then, write down the emotion connected to that root cause.
Take another deep breath.
How do you contribute to the problem? Be honest, because you hold at least a small percentage of responsibility in every issue.
How can you calmly share this with your partner? Sometimes, sharing what you wrote may be more helpful as it cannot be loud, aggressive, or have a tone.
2. Don't let your anger control you.
Anger is a hungry beast, looking for more blame and more reasons to justify it.
If you know that anger is not your friend in these situations, you can begin to control it, rather than letting anger control you. Again, you can take a deep breath, and begin to let some of the anger leave your body.
3. Recognize that anger has physical ramifications.
The hormones associated with anger are adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones constrict blood flow into your brain.
Anger prevents clarity of thought, narrows down your peripheral vision, dims hearing. This can explain why people in an argument do not hear what is actually said, but what they thought they heard.
4. Recall a time when you did not have anger toward your partner.
There must have been a time in the relationship that was free and easy. Reflect on that time.
How did you act? How did you respond? What actions did you take that were kind?
Maybe even write these reflections down. Can you view your partner through this historical lens?
5. Actions first, feelings last.
You may be thinking, "I have to feel positive, kind, generous, and loving, then I will have a corresponding feeling."
The reality is that taking a kind, generous, loving action will produce positive feelings and emotions.
6. Is holding onto anger worth sacrificing the relationship?
What is your true goal and objective with managing these negative emotions and behaviors? Can you think through the end game?
Usually, the root of anger goes deep into bitterness. John Gottman writes about the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These "four horsemen" will destroy a relationship.
How can you eliminate these patterns and replace them with healthy, productive communication patterns?
These tips take work, responsibility, and intention to accomplish.
The title assumes that you do not want to break your partner's heart with your words. You have a desire to be calm.
You have the power to stop the runaway train of anger and choose a different pattern for your relationship. Choose wisely, and stay on the track for the sake of your future.
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Joan Nosal is a personal development coach and life coach who focuses in change and stress management. For more information on how she can help you deal with anger issues, visit her website here.