Self

How I Found Freedom By 'Firing' My Own Mother

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young blonde woman jumping against a pink wall

For the most part, our mothers mean well and do their best. But no matter how well-intended they may be, some of us have bad relationships due to our mothers' choices.

Some of us even have a nagging sense of fear or shame because of the "voices" of our moms that still echo in our minds. 

My mother’s best was to remain on high alert to danger and threat. She believed that was the best way to raise me. 

That pretty much meant that she saw the world through fear-tainted eyes, which included distrust of ethnic groups, people in general, new situations (almost everything), dark threats in the night, and lots of "what if's."

This is not to say that she wasn’t a loving, generous mother, because she was. It is to say that she had lots of issues and hang-ups that translated to fear-based ideas with the intention that she was keeping her children safe

RELATED: 6 Things People Don't Realize You Do Because You Were Raised By A Toxic Mother

The day I decided to "fire" my mother

The day I noticed that I had to rid myself of my mother's fearful voice inside my head was like any other, I was out shopping. 

On a whim, I decided that I wanted a new blue skirt. Thus, I proceeded to the nearest department store to purchase one. 

With nothing more than the thought of disbursing money toward "another" blue skirt, I heard my later mother’s voice in my mind. 

You know how it is, everyone has voices in their head. Especially of people who are foundational to who we are, like our parents.

They are basically the programmed ideas and beliefs you were handed in life. 

"This is good."

"That's bad."

"Watch out for that!"

"Be afraid of that!"

For some folks, it went as far as, "You’ll never amount to anything," "Don’t ever look stupid/take a risk/ jump out of the familiar box and never make a mistake!" 

My mother had many of these edicts and rules. I would have to say that the program she instilled was a dominant one. 

On this particular day, while I was shopping, I caught the program as it entered my mind.

"You don’t need a blue skirt," she ranted. 

As her judgmental voice sounded in my mind, I reacted with anger. I rebelled.

I am not going to live out of fear and neediness. I am going after what I want and right now, I want a blue skirt. 

(Need seemed to be the rule in our home when it came to purchases: Do you really need it? Don’t buy anything unless you truly need it.) 

RELATED: Yes, She's My Mother — But I Cannot Have A Relationship With Her Without A Part Of Me Dying

I found myself in the middle of the department store, I found myself in an argument with my mother — who wasn’t even there. 

Even though the whole idea sounds hysterically funny, I was dead serious about refusing my mother’s fear-based thought system. So, there we were. 

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Mom: You already have two blue skirts.

Me: I will have as many blue skirts as I want. Maybe I’ll buy a dozen blue skirts.

With that, I grabbed the skirt from the rack and threw it on the check-out counter. I am buying this skirt and I don’t need it — so there!

If it sounds like a kid rebelling against their parent, that is exactly what I was doing. I was rebelling against the fear, lack, and limitation I had grown up with.

I was calling it quits on that program and replacing it with another one. 

I was choosing to live in abundance, love, expansion, and limitlessness. I was declaring my freedom from a tyrannical mindset that would attempt to keep me small. 

Mom, you are fired. You are not allowed to bring your negative program into my mind again. 

And that was when I banished a whole series of limiting, small, irrational, fear-based belief systems

Of course, the other end of this scenario is that I had to replace the old programs, beliefs, and ideas with new ones that more clearly appropriated what I wanted. Easy-peasy! 

Once I caught on to the process, I knew what to do.

New program: I live in abundance. 

Every day and in every way, I receive the abundance of the Universe — ideas, friends, experiences, money, love, kindness, etc. I see the possibility in all things. 

I am continually blessed. I am love as I am made in the image and likeness of God. Love is my expression. My life is limitless.

A breakthrough, a new beginning. 

Yes, mom’s voice (what I'm calling a "program" here) had been around for a long time, but that day I put a stop to it because fear and negativity were at the core of it and I was done with it. I drew a line in the sand. 

She was fearful and I refused to be. 

I know thousands of folks who are still listening to the negative programs they were handed by society, media, relatives, teachers, friends, people who love them, the world. 

These brain pathways create havoc, keep people small, risk-averse, backward, shy, and afraid. 

Yet, at any time, you can break the cycle and say, "no." And when you do, be sure to say, "yes" to something better.

 It might not be your mother you fire (or, to put it more kindly perhaps, demand departure from your mind), but whoever it is, the alteration that occurs will bring you freedom, confidence, authenticity, and joy.  

RELATED: 6 Reasons Why Mothers And Daughters Fight So Often

Jean Walters is a St. Louis-based transformational coach. For more information on her services, visit her website

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