“She Is Not Ready, But You Are. What To Do?”

Ready for what? Ready to come? Ready to commit? Ready to go out? Okay, so my mind goes first to sex, but really, with a question like this, it doesn’t matter the scenario. The issue is in how the question is phrased.

“She’s not ready.” That is not a complete sentence and lacks any context. Without context, there is no understanding. Communication is the issue. Let’s start backwards: Not ready to go out? By this, I mean you’ve said you’d be ready at 7:30 p.m. to pick her up, and it’s now quarter past eight and she’s still not ready. I’d say, fix yourself a drink if it's an option. Otherwise, if you really like this girl, take it in as an opportunity to be present, realize she’s in a momentary fix of insecurity and love her through it by being as patient as it takes. Sometimes, our 15-year-old self takes hold of us, making it very difficult to put together a coordinated outfit—and DO NOT, under any circumstances, tell us to HURRY UP!

Not ready to commit? That’s another story. It could be about you or it could be about her. You know how important your career and finding a foothold in the world is to you. It’s just as important to her. Yes, having a family is still important to women, but deciding between one and the other seems a bit antiquated to us these days. Unless you are a billionaire, there's a good chance that any couple is going to need a dual income to be able to afford the occasional babysitter and the requisite housekeeper. (If this seems elitist to you, Google the studies showing how a decent housekeeper saved countless marriages.) Beyond that, does she see you still having fun as you get older? Does she wonder if it’s always going to be a struggle to get by? Does she wonder if this is the best sex is ever going to get? I don’t know, but I do know if you’ve been together for a while and one of you is still on the fence, it's time for some communication. So let’s sit down for a quiet evening at home and talk. These conversations are never meant for the romantic restaurant or the sexy weekend B&B. Heart-to-heart check-ins on what we want and where we see this going are best left to a familiar, private place with the game off, not merely muted and playing in the background. Listen to each other. You came together for a reason; respect that reason long enough to really listen to what the other person is trying to communicate. Contrary to popular myth, women can be just as inarticulate about their feelings and what they want and/or need as men can.

“She’s not ready, but you are?” Now we’re talking sex. Where did this myth of the mutual orgasm come from? Or even that she has to come before you do? One thing I know is don’t ask her if she’s about to come. If she were, she won’t be as soon as you ask her. Letting her know you’re about to come is not such a big deal. Look, ladies first is a nice concept if you’re one of those guys that come and then lapse into a 24-hour coma afterwards. But if you can take the necessary breather afterwards to feel relaxed and focus on her, what’s the problem? Most women aren’t into one-act plays; we prefer the three-to-five-act ones, even if there is an intermission. Again, it comes down to communication. What turns her on? This is the delight and conundrum of women for men. Everyone is different. An erogenous zone on one woman is another’s “what the hell are you doing?” zone. It means you have to fine-tune your receptors, listen to her and watch how she moves. She’s telling you things, but your antennae may not be sensitive enough to pick them up. Fair enough. Then ask her; ask her what turns her on. Whisper in her ear as you start making out, “What do want me to do?” “What do you like?” Don’t be surprised if she’s too shy to tell you right away. Sometimes women believe they have to focus on pleasing their partners. They don’t know what pleases them. If it's a relationship you’re after, this will take time and trust. Honestly, most women won’t take it personally if you come before us. Maybe it’s even flattering, as long as it's the exception, not the rule. (It’s different if things have barely started to get sexual and everyone concerned is fully clothed.) Getting to that point in a relationship where you can be vulnerable enough to share fantasies and trust that they will be kept private and respected within the confines of sexual play is the goal for each of us, male or female. Remembering that we are all human beings first and male or female second will help us be present to each other, to be able to love each other.

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This article was originally published at How To Get The Woman of Your Dreams . Reprinted with permission from the author.