6 Honest Reasons Dating A People Pleaser Is A TOTAL Turn Off!

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Dating A People Pleaser

People Pleasers ... they live to make everyone else happy. So dating (or marrying) one is amazing, right? What's not to love about someone who is all about pleasing YOU? 

Well, it may sound odd or critical to pick on people pleasers but there is a serious downside to loving one. 

Pleasers are the ultimate shape-shifters. They don't think of it this way, of course, but the reality is — a pleaser lies about who they truly are to make others happy. They change form depending on their audience; which makes trusting them nearly impossible.

Their lies are not a deliberate intent to deceive, but rather a deep reflection of their sense of inadequacy and self-worth. But, the lies are plentiful and for you (the person loving them) the relationship looks and feels like this:

1. They have no backbone

Your partner also tells family, friends, or coworkers what he or she thinks they want to hear — even when you know what your mate said is not the truth. Whether they ever talk about their struggle to please with you or not, you're witness to it and it's a turnoff.

2. They're indecisive

Your partner can't (or won't) make a final decision, so you're in the lead with most daily decisions, from dinner plans to date night. Hearing "I don't care" or "you decide" may seem nice at first, but over time the burden of such decisions feels heavy — and worse, very lonely.

3. They struggle with loyalty

Sometimes pleasing others takes precedence over pleasing you, so you don't feel important. Your partner struggles with loyalty between you and everyone else (their family, their boss, etc.) and places those people's needs or expectations above yours. You're left feeling like your partner doesn't have your back.  

4. They're wishy washy

Believing they're master mind readers, your partner often tells you what they think you want to hear in any given moment — making their answers and opinions inconsistent and ever-fluctuating. They're often not a reliable source of input and you're left wondering what they really think. Does your partner truly want to do all they've agreed to? Are they saying what they truly think and feel, or are they capitulating? You may wonder or worry if they're happy or satisfied with the life you've created together; which can feel very unsettling and uncertain.

5. They make you the "bad guy"

A pleaser is either inexplicably moody or seems happy nearly all the time. But when people misrepresent themselves, they quickly become resentful — despite having put themselves in the situation. They feel taken advantage of and often play the victim or martyr. Alternately, they may avoid all "negative" feelings or conflict and insist everything is just fine when you suspect it's not. But either way, them feeling taken advantage of (in their mind) is your fault. 

6. They're laid back and easy-going ...  until they explode

Deferring to you for most everything, your pleaser-partner seems so wonderfully laid back. You happily go along thinking they're genuinely cool with your decisions, until they randomly unload months or years worth of complaints in an out-of-nowhere outburst. You feel blindsided and betrayed by how long they've been holding grudges.

While these frustrating behaviors feel challenging to live with, and can take a toll on your attraction, it's the long-term effect lying has on the relationship that ultimately becomes a deal-breaker.

The solid foundation of trust slowly erodes away and resentment replaces it on both sides. You begin to lose faith in your partner and in your connection, maybe even wondering who this person is.

Don't lose heart ... change is possible

Your mate (the pleaser) has been people-pleasing since childhood — it's a role they learned early in life. For the future of your relationship, you must do your part to help them shift this dynamic before it's too late.

Make room for two

Make sure you're inviting your partner's truth by being open, curious, and non-judgmental — even if you disagree or don't like what they're saying. Strong reactions from you, by being dismissive, falling apart in tears or becoming angry, keeps them telling you anything you want to hear just to avoid the drama.

You may need to pull the truth from them. Do what I call "rolling out the red carpet" to invite their truth — all while making sure your response remains tolerant and accepting.

Remember — only when both partners show up and share the truth of who they really are can your connection deepen in a way that keeps the relationship hot, healthy, and happily ever after.

To learn more about trust, lies and healthy communication in relationships, visit Hilary's website or connect with her on Facebook or Instagram (HilarySilverDenver) or Periscope and Twitter @AskHilarySilver.