Why It's OK For Men To Judge Women On Their Looks

Marilyn Monroe on black background

I've recently received a few emails from women who are suffering from what could only be deemed a "high-class" problem: after losing 40 lbs, they have too many dating options.

And instead of basking in the glow of accomplishment, instead of appreciating the luxury of being able to be more selective with men, these women are resentful. Why? Because the men they're now attracting would never have given them a shot six months ago at their heaviest weight. Discover The Psychology Of Attraction


So while they'd love to simply be in the moment and enjoy the act of discovery, they find themselves caught in their own heads, feeling like impostors, and worse, looking down on the very men who are courting them.

Got it.

Let's flip the script for a second, shall we?

There's an intelligent, successful, charming bachelor in his 40s. Let's call him George Clooney.

So George, sick of women throwing themselves at him because he's rich and famous, decides to go undercover. He grows out his beard, he gains weight, he starts wearing ripped sweatpants wherever he goes. He's the exact same guy underneath, but it’s really important that a woman want him for him—not just for the dashing image he projects and the life he can provide. I'm Not Attracted To Him: Do I Date Him?


Now, George looks like a homeless man. He still has great knowledge of Darfur, Edward R. Murrow, and the politics behind oil. He can still turn a phrase and crack a joke. He still has an amazing smile. He just can’t talk about being an Academy Award winner, lest anyone value him for something superficial.

It would probably not surprise you that George would struggle in his quest for love. He may blame women for not valuing him as a homeless man as much they did as an actor—but he'd be the one losing out.

And that's where women who resent men who are attracted to them in their "after" form are boxing themselves in. See, we can't separate looks from the package. It's part of the package, whether we like it or not. A store might have amazing and classy merchandise, but if there's a misspelled sign outside, flyers on the window, and graffiti on the door, you might not go in to find out. Is that your fault for judging the book by its cover? No, it's the store's fault for not realizing that looks matter.

Simply put, when a man finds you attractive, he will take the time to learn about your amazing personality. If he doesn't find you attractive, he won't. Which way would you rather have it? 


On a personal note, I have dated three women who lost over 50 lbs and had the same exact issues that you did. One girlfriend used to complain to me that the men in the gym were looking at her and remark that they never looked at her before. As if the men were to blame for buying into conventional societal standards of beauty.

Would the world be a better place if being 60 lbs overweight didn't matter? Sure. Would the world be a better place if 5'4" men fared as well as 6" tall men? Absolutely. Wouldn't it be great if a male second grade teacher had as much status and appeal as the C.E.O. of a Fortune 500 company? Yep.

But that's not the world we live in. And the people who do best in the world we live in are not the ones who try to rewrite the rules of society but, rather, figure out how to navigate them successfully. 5 Countries Where Skinny Isn't Sexy


I know this isn't easy, but if I were you, and made a positive transformation, I'd literally drop the idea that the "right" guy doesn't care about looks and embrace the incredible opportunity you created for yourself. Really. You deserve it. Community Blog: Why Thin Sex Is Better Than Fat Sex

Photo: Flickr user CATR