Many of us imagine that only men cheat. When a woman is the cheater, we may have less tolerance
By Erica Goodstone, PhD — Written on Dec 01, 2011
Many of us imagine that cheating is only reserved for men. Even among liberal thinking men and women, many of us still hold that image in our minds. So when a woman is the cheater, we tend to have less tolerance than we do for men. But a very conservative statistic estimates that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair at some time.
Marriage can be difficult in even the best of relationships. Most of us experience many different stresses and outside influences that are not always supportive of our most intimate relationship. Many men and women have temptations at work and may allow their fantasies to run wild. The atmosphere at home may be one of boredom, complacency or downright hostility.
Many women I have worked with, upstanding, responsible, warm and caring women, have gotten involved with a man who is not their husband. Usually it begins after years of the woman feeling unfulfilled, sexually unsatisfied and a sense that she no longer feels that emotional connection with her husband. The women I have worked with did not aggressively go out searching for someone to have sex with.
What happened in each and every case was that the woman had been feeling restless and unhappy at home for a long time. One lady started to go dancing one night a week with a girlfriend. Dancing can make a woman feel alive and sensual and beautiful. The problem is, if she is out dancing with other men it is probably only a matter of time until she gets emotionally connected and then sexually involved with one of them. Men who like to dance with women can certainly be charming and sometimes have an agenda of their own.
Some of the women I have worked with did not go out dancing. In fact, they did nothing different in their daily routine. But because they were feeling so much discontent, they spent more time away from home and that meant more time out in public places, like Starbucks or local coffee shops. Sooner or later, when a reasonably attractive woman is discontented at home and is regularly out and about, another man may approach her. If they both continue to return to the same place, before long an affair may begin. It can start slowly, sharing a cup of coffee. Then it may progress to meeting somewhere else for lunch. Then, perhaps they meet for dinner or a new and exciting event. It is the progression of shared time, shared enjoyable experiences, and shared emotions that can lead to a full blown physical and emotional connection.
In the throes of an exciting affair, the woman may feel as if she is finally coming alive. She may feel youthful again, regardless of her age or physical appearance. She may feel loved and appreciated, acknowledged and known in a way that perhaps she never felt before.
Some affairs are never discovered and may gradually end over time. But usually, an affair is a disaster waiting to happen. Sooner or later the spouse, or a friend or neighbor, or even one's children discover the affair, bring it out in the open and the intense emotional pain begins. If the woman has developed strong feelings for the man she became involved with, once the affair is revealed she may have to instantly stop having contact with this person. That can be incredibly painful for all parties involved.
Can your relationship survive after cheating? It would be so much better for the woman to face the emotional blandness in her marriage before becoming vulnerable to the interest and approaches of other men. The couple can go for counseling and together they can work to possibly find a way to bring both partners back to love. They can spend time together recallling how they first met and how they felt in those early days of love and passion. They can look at old photos and reminisce about good times they have shared.
A marriage is a precious union that should not be taken lightly. Before jumping into an extramarital affair it is important to ask oneself what this person seems to be offering and what seems to be missing in the marriage. Instead of running into the arms of someone else, it takes great courage to face the problems in the current relationship.
If you are contemplating having an affair, if your sensual and sexual urges are clouding your logical thinking, find someone to talk to that can help you to see the whole picture. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If an affair can be prevented it is so much easier emotionally and so much less painful in the long run.
The choice is always yours. When taking the high road, you may miss out on some intense and memorable passionate moments. But the aftermath, the broken trust, the rage, the hurt, the embarrassment, the ongoing inquisitions and all the ensuring emotional pain may far outweigh those few moments of temporary pleasure.