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How to make yourself open to true love.
By D. Ivan Young
Last updated on Apr 07, 2024
Nobody, absolutely nobody, likes being taken advantage of. But when you are foolish enough to set yourself up to be made to look like a fool by a fool, that's taking clueless to a whole new level—especially when the fool who's playing you is you. One thing is certain, love doesn't love anybody. Nor does love come with any guarantees. There are things you need to realize if you plan to keep your sanity while searching for true love with Mr. or Ms. Right. Over-priced internet dating sites, so-called "matchmakers," and hookups from a friend all have one thing in common: unforeseeable peril.
As you throw the dice hoping to get lucky at love, the odds are more against you than for you. Making matters worse, just when you think you're hedging your bets, more than likely you’re setting yourself up. Be that as it may, there are things you can do to put the odds of purposeful dating back in your favor. The underlying reason why we end up being taken advantage of while dating is that we put ourselves in a wobbly perplexed position from day one.
Adding insult to injury, we don't learn from our mistakes. Instead, we become more apathetic and more combative in each subsequent relationship. In most instances, this over-compensation leads to more failures than successes. It's the psychological equivalent of going on a date with a machete in one hand, and a gun in the other while wearing a bulletproof vest and a football helmet. Who in their right mind is going to want to cozy up to you while you're standing there looking like a fool as you proudly plant your flag in the sand? Let's take responsibility for our ongoing progression. If anything, we need to cease our march toward more and more mediocrity. You have the power to change this.
The more you blame others the more you become rooted in denial. If you're honest, the reason people take advantage of you is a direct result of your contribution to your problem. Here's a hint. Shouldn't dating feel good? Ask yourself this question. "How have I taken something that is an opportunity for me to learn more about myself and others and turned it into an emaciated emotional minefield?" For most, dating has become a psycho, intimate obstacle course riddled with mind games and deceit. When you're not overreaching, you're either dealing with fraudulence on your behalf or someone else's, or at best, you're sorting your way through a hollowed lovesick game of smoke and mirrors.
My dear, there is no benefit in further crippling yourself mentally and emotionally. There is a better way. After all, isn't dating supposed to lead you toward finding the right person? A person who's a suitable fit for your life? If that's what you want, now's the time to get a pen and paper out, and keep reading. How can you find something unless know what you're looking for? Successful dating necessitates you being fully in touch with what you desire in a mate while being realistic and truthful about wheally are. You didn't come from a cookie cutter or a jello mold, and neither does anyone else. Finding real love begins with you being authentic about who you are, what you value, and your "real" lifestyle. There are no rights or wrongs here, just realities.
Here are 6 self-realizations you must have before finding true love:
1. Who are you?
This goes far beyond what you like to eat, your style of dress, and your job title. Think deeper. If you had to write 5 sentences describing your behavior, your beliefs, and your daily habits what would that look like?
2. What's your attitude about friends and family?
Are you the type of person who has an open-door policy when it comes to friends and family members being in your business and at your home? What are your limits? Where do those boundaries begin and end?
3. What's your attitude about money?
Are you a saver, a spender, or somewhere in between? Are you a tightwad when spending your coins? Put another way, are you expecting more from others than you're willing to give? Are your beliefs based on tradition or preference?
4. How important is intimacy to you?
How much intimacy are you having, or could you not care less if you even are intimate? Have you given any thought as to what things turn you on and as well as off? What is a normal pattern for you (really behave after the initial infatuation period wears off)? Do you even know what your pattern is?
5. Why are you dating?
What are you looking for and why?
6. Are traditional gender roles important to you?
Distinguish where you draw the line as well as what your expectations are. Since "part A" is all about you, doesn't it make sense that "part B" is all about your expectations? These are the things you expect from a potential partner. More than likely, the most significant element in your cycle of disappointment is the fact that you never clearly defined what you need and want in a mate. Now, it's time to explicitly share deal breakers and deal makers.
Here are at least 4 things you must consider:
1. What are your needs right now?
Are you being realistic if you believe that this person, at present or shortly, is capable of or even willing to fill the bill as it relates to your current and future mental, emotional, intimate, and financial needs? What evidence do you have to confirm your assumptions?
2. What attracted you to them in the first place?
Are you projecting your pipe dream on someone, or is this person truly like who you "perceive?"
3. What are your deal breakers?
It's not the other person's fault if you settle for less than you desire and deserve. Are you tolerating habits like drugs, drinking, smoking, or something even worse, just because you can't handle being alone? Hint: If you can’t stand being alone with you why in the heck would someone else want to spend time with you?
4. Are the two of you equally yoked?
I'm going far beyond finances and pedigree here. Do you share likened belief systems, common values, and similar preferences? If the answer is no, even if you're attracted to them and have great chemistry, in the long run, disappointment and pain are in your future. People don't hurt us, we self-mutilate. Dating and happiness can come together only when you're honest with yourself. Making excuses for yourself and others is not only foolish, it's downright stupid.
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Dr. D. Ivan Young, MCC, NBC-HWC, is a leading behavioral modification and relationship expert, TEDx speaker, certified Master Coach and Master Neuro-Linguistic Programmer, and credentialed Master MBTI Practitioner with a Ph.D. in Holistic Life Coaching. He has written about relationships and mental well-being for YourTango for nearly 10 years.