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The problem with most couples is they start out with different road maps for their relationship.
By Donny Ingram — Written on Dec 03, 2019
Showing unconditional love in a long-lasting marriage or relationship sounds easy, but any successful couple will tell you that it takes more than just loving a partner to ensure they stay together.
In order to have a healthy relationship that evolves into being able to both offer and receive unconditional love, it's important that both members of the couple has a few things in common.
I remember how much I wanted to be married when I was just a young boy. I remember even praying to God to provide me with a great wife and allow us to have sons. I wanted to be married so bad that every woman I dated was a potential candidate for marriage.
I had no interest in casual dating, I wanted a life partner.
I finally found the woman for me and for the past 43 years, I’ve thanked God daily for the wonderful wife I believe He prepared just for me.
Now, we know that many people may not believe that God designs just one person for them and that may be true, but my wife Charlotte and I do believe if two people with the same commitment and desire fall in love, they will be the perfect mate for each other and their marriage can thrive.
I believe one of the main problems with most newlyweds is they start out with different road maps for their married life. Each partner enters marriage with a different set of directions.
These differences are things like assumptions about roles, expectations about how to spend time and money, beliefs about children, not to mention the inherited mental, physical, and spiritual baggage that follows each person.
Getting married is a huge step for many couples and to unconditionally love your partner, you need to know what it takes for relationships to last for so long.
There are 3 factors that are extremely important for a couple to have a lasting relationship that provides true unconditional love.
1. Have similar beliefs
It's important to recognize the one factor that can help assure any couple of having a successful marriage and that is faith and belief about life and career.
I’ve had people tell me that you don’t have to have the same beliefs to have a successful marriage. While I agree with that to some extent, it goes deeper than most think.
Today, with the divorce rate going between 40-50 percent, it is vital for couples to learn and grow together not apart. We are conditioned to believe that our partner should make us happy about everything and that is far from reality.
Couples that are happy and continually show their love for each other have similar beliefs about who they are, what goals they are seeking, and just how the other receives love.
I can only speak from personal experience along with what I’ve read and heard from the couples I've interviewed and coached down through the years.
I've never found one couple that exhibited true unconditional love that didn’t have beliefs that benefited them both. They were on the same wave link, so to speak!
2. Set goals
Most people today do not set goals for their life and career. Sure, most will say they know what they want but they never write it down and measure their progress continually.
Mark McCormick, the author of What They Don’t Teach You At Harvard Business School, asked the graduating class of Harvard Business School one question, "How many of you set goals?"
He found that 84 percent said they did not have any goals, 13 percent said they have goals but not in writing, and 3 percent said they have written goals.
Mark followed that class for 10 years. After 10 years, the results he discovered were interesting. The 13 percent that said they had goals but didn’t write them down were earning twice as much income as the 84 percent that had no goals. However, the 3 percent that had written goals were earning ten times more than the other 97 percent.
If money is one of the major problems in marriages today, and I believe it is, then setting goals must be set and measured continually. And, by the way, those goals must be beneficial for both individuals in the relationship.
3. Practice effective communication
To be successful in any relationship, communication must be understood and practiced. Your success will rise and fall in direct proportion to your communication skills with your spouse as well as those around you.
Too many couples take communications for granted. Yet, taking the time to improve your communication skills will benefit you greatly in achieving your goals and reaching your destiny in life.
I have learned a great deal about communication in the past 20 or 30 years, but most people still do not realize the power of communication and how it can propel you into your destiny.
I have learned valuable principles by reading studies and listening to men and women who have documented evidence on the tremendous power of communication.
I have put into practice principles that allow me to do more than I ever dreamed possible by knowing how to communicate the right message to my spouse and to myself.
We now know, from many studies by some of the great educational institutions around the world, that communication is not just words. Research shows that when two people meet and communicate, what actually influences one or the other to change the way they feel or act is more than mere words.
In human communication, we find that words represent only 7 percent of what actually influences someone to change how they feel or act toward something.
Greater than words are our voice qualities. Voice qualities represent 38 percent of what actually influences someone to change the way they feel or act.
What are voice qualities? Voice qualities include tone, timbre, volume, or speed with which we speak. This is really nothing new because we have known for years that it’s not what you say when you communicate as much as it is how you say it that determines the result.
However, the thing that most influences a person to change the way they feel or act is physiology — or how we use our physical body. Physiology represents 55 percent of what actually influences someone to change.
Facial expressions, muscular tension, gestures, and posture are part of physiology.
Have you ever made a statement to someone and they responded, "Sure", but at the same time, they rolled their eyes and their voice went from low to high? What were they communicating with you? That it will never happen. Why? Their words were right, but their voice and body language didn’t match.
Behavioral scientists say that our communication must be congruent if it is to be believable, which means that means all three — our words, voice, and physiology — must match.
When they all agree, you hold the power to influence others to change the way they feel and act. This is especially important when communicating with your spouse.
When you say, "I love you", you must do it with all communication methods. Saying the words while lying on the sofa watching television and eating popcorn will not be received as a true statement. However, looking them in the eye while holding their hand and saying "I love you" will get you a positive response.
They are many other factors and important relationship advice to discuss but every couple who decide to marry should put these three to work immediately. Your ability and desire to express unconditional love will grow.
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Donny Ingram is an author, motivational speaker, trainer, and founder of Ingram Management Group. For the last twenty-eight years, he has worked in sales & marketing as well as training and development for both government and corporate America.