If You're Always Making Your Adult Children Mad, Here's How To Stop Overstepping Your Bounds

Your kids aren't kids anymore.

By Diane Quintana — Written on Aug 09, 2019

Photo: getty

Parenting Advice For How To Stop Overstepping Your Bounds & Communicate With Your Adult Children

As grandparents, we always have our adult kids in mind and even if they're no longer children, we can still learn how to be a good parent and communicate with them without being overbearing and overstepping our bounds.

I've just returned home from visiting both my children. I had a fabulous time and am so thankful to know my children are fine. My sons are both adults and both live near the west coast.

As I live in Atlanta, I don’t see them very often.

One of my sons lives near San Francisco and has a family. Since I am now a grandmother, I make a point to visit him and his family more often so that I get to know my granddaughter.

My other son lives on the Nevada side of Lake Tahoe. I am not a fan of snow or cold weather, which is the reason I only plan a visit to him in the summer.

This year, I decided to plan a longer visit to the west coast. I flew into San Francisco and stayed with that son and his family over a long weekend. On the following Monday, I rented a car and drove to Lake Tahoe to visit my other son.

He lives in a tiny one-room loft condo and doesn’t have room for visitors, so I stayed nearby in a hotel.

All these details are to let you know these tips are great to follow whether you are physically staying with your child or if you are just visiting and staying nearby. You can also apply these tips if you are staying with friends.

With that, here are 5 ways you can still parent your adult kids, even if you're already a grandparent.

1. Offer advice when asked

I have a lot of helpful tips that I offer on a regular basis to my clients. It’s like the saying, "If you see something, say something." These tips just pour out of me as I’m working with a client on a project. If I see something that I can tweak for my client, I offer the advice.

I have learned that my children are not always so receptive.

I remember that I’m not there as a professional organizer. I am there as a mom. If my children ask for help with something specific, then I offer advice.

The same holds true for my clients. I offer advice only as it pertains to that which we are focusing our attention. If I see something that can be tweaked in a different area, I hold the thought until we are focusing our energy in that spot.

2. Give advice but do not lecture

Remember the children are adults. I am a former teacher and can sometimes say more than I need to on a given topic.

I have learned that my children are not my students and to give my advice succinctly. If they want more information or details, they will ask.

3. Offer help but do not insist

As a guest in my son’s house, I have, from time to time, offered to do laundry, cook a meal, wash the dishes, and so on. Sometimes, my offer is accepted and sometimes it is not.

I have learned that when my offer to help is not accepted there are reasons to which I may not be privy.

4. Silence is golden

As a grandmother, I have said, numerous times, "When you were a baby, I…"

I am learning that this is not always helpful. Times have changed. Methods have changed.

My mother had things to say about the way I did things when my boys were babies. After a while, she stopped sharing. Now, I’m learning to keep some (not all) of my thoughts to myself.

5. Ask

I’m finding that asking my children how they would like to do something is best. Even for my single son, if I ask him when he would like to meet up or how he would like to do something, it’s a win for both of us.

Think about how you would feel if someone (even someone you love) is opening drawers, cupboards, closets putting away laundry or looking for something without asking you first? It's an invasion of privacy. There may be something in one of those drawers that you don't want to share with anyone but yourself!