Photo: Unsplash: Yeshi Kangrang
Seriously, run.
By Debra Smouse — Written on Dec 14, 2018
Though it’s been awhile since I’ve been on the dating scene, dear heavens, do I hear some dating horror stories from men I know!
The most drama-filled stories are often those told when a man is nursing a broken heart as he tries to get over a painful breakup.
But the buried treasure contained within these many tales of dates gone wrong is the light they shed on some specific, negative personality traits and characteristics of women who are likely to be emotionally abusive in relationships.
For example, I know a man whose ex-girlfriend insisted on packing up all of his things after they broke up. When he unpacked his belongings, he discovered she'd filled two insanely heavy boxes with canned soups and beans.
When he asked why, she responded, "I couldn't bear to see your food in my pantry.”
Another man told me of his ex-girlfriend who created multiple fake Instagram accounts posing as him. She then followed all his friends and spammed them with inappropriate direct messages.
And the one that still chills me to the bone is one from a client who was emotionally blackmailed with a "final goodbye" text from his ex. She explained that since he refused to get back together, she was going to harm herself.
Looking at stories like these can be a helpful way to uncover in hindsight which negative personality traits were actually foreboding red flags that were missed when they first appeared.
If you start dating a woman and realize she has these 10 personality traits, run, don't walk, away from what's likely to be an emotionally abusive relationship.
1. Neediness
When you begin a relationship, all her flirty texts make you feel desired. And I’m the first to admit that texting is a good way to stay connected when you’re apart. Yet, there are limits.
If the occasional texts become incessant, that’s a sign she is needy for your attention.
So, when the “Good morning! Have a great day!” texts morph into a constant dinging of your phone — “Where are you?”, “What are you doing?”, “Who are you with?”, “What’s going on?,” “Why haven’t you answered any of my texts?” — you should be concerned.
There’s a fine line between attention and obsession. Especially in the midst of a busy work day. Or dinner out with your best friend.
You can have a conversation about your preferred use of text communication. This is called healthy boundaries. If incessant texts continue, she may need more attention than you can — or want — to give.
2. Overeagerness
We’ve all heard of love at first sight. And I’m the first to admit that sometimes, there’s just an amazing chemistry between two people.
However, taking a big leap too early may be a relationship red flag.
After a few dates she want to clean your house, prepare all your meals, and tell you that you’re her “King”? Do you really want a “Queen” who desires to prove you can’t live without her?
Do you feel smothered rather than nurtured? Does she over-analyze a small gesture and begins planning a “Happily Ever After” wedding in the first month? Does she insist you’re meant to be after the first time you have sex? That you are the end of her red thread after knowing you for mere weeks?
If your gut tells you things are moving too fast, they probably are. You can attempt to slow things down, or cut your losses and walk away.
Rather than allowing a relationship to progress on a natural timeline, needy women try to speed things up. This reeks of dependence, and desperately needing to be needed.
3. Jealousy
Some would say that jealousy, or possessiveness, is natural. That if you care for someone, of course you don’t want them to be with someone else.
Sometimes that comes across as passion. And, the occasional moment of jealousy is understandable. (Hey, that co-worker of yours does look like a model!)
But, over-the-top jealousy is the kind of fire that destroys passion.
Seeing green on a consistent basis is not a personality trait that makes for a good partner.
Does she constantly text or call when she knows you’re out with friends? Does she begin liking all your female friends on Facebook and Instagram? Or worse, demand that you unfriend all the women you’re friends with ... including your cousins? Does she accuse you of sleeping with other women? Have you caught her going through your texts/emails/call lists?
These are all major relationship red flags.
At first, this kind of jealousy can make you feel desired, but that soon morphs into feeling as if she will never trust you. Trust is a key component to a healthy relationship. Jealousy can be the opposite of this.
4. Catastrophizing
Everyone has a right to their emotions, and we all feel disappointed or angry sometimes. One sign of a healthy person is how they deal with these kinds of emotions.
For example, feeling disappointed can be remedied with a calm conversation. And the old “count to ten” rule is a great way to deal with anger.
If the woman you are dating has a fit any time you make plans with friends, need to travel for work, or simply need some down time, take notice.
Catastrophizing personality traits mean that she’ll probably make a big deal out of small things often.
It’s not unreasonable to expect good communication. And, if you say you’ll call her tonight and don’t even text, sure she may feel angry. What’s unreasonable are reactions that are out of proportion to what’s going on.
Does she yell? Throw things? Destroy things? Post hateful messages on social media? Resort to emotional blackmail?
An inability to control her emotions combined with aggressive actions is not someone that will make a healthy life partner.
5. Controlling
If you’ve been the one who always sets up dates in past relationships, chooses the movie, or buys the tickets for a concert, it can be nice when someone else takes charge.
What begins to feel not-so-nice though is when she begins making plans for every moment.
She chooses the restaurants, tells you what to do or what to wear. She tries to tell you who to spend time with, or says you have “permission” to play golf with Joe but not Jim.
It can really cross the line when she invites herself along on business trip, or tells you that you aren’t allowed to spend Christmas with your family because you have to be with hers. This crosses into controlling behavior and that’s no good for a healthy relationship.
Pay close attention to this controlling behavior and see if she’s trying to isolate you from friends or family. Look for language that makes you feel like a child, not an equal partner as well.
Hey, if you want to be submissive in the bedroom on occasion, that can be fun for role play. However, you probably don’t want to feel as if she’s trying to control you every waking moment.
6. Unforgiving
When you start a relationship, it’s natural to share your war stories about love and dating There’s no one I know who likes everyone, so ex-lovers are rarely spoken about from a place of love.
And, if she’s been betrayed by someone in the past, like a friend who slept with her husband, of course they aren’t going to be friends anymore.
However, notice if her stories are full of tragic endings and tales of how she was treated terribly.
Does she hold a grudge against her first college boyfriend? Do even the smallest slights send her into a rage? Does she regale you with acts of revenge?
She may not be the woman for you.
Her inability to forgive both small slights and even betrayal can be hardwired personality traits.
If you have a fight, it’s likely she’s going to punish you in some way. And if you break-up, you can expect to be on the receiving end of hate-filled tirades.
Once again, everyone has the right to feel how they feel, but we are all human and make mistakes. We all need a little compassion and forgiveness.
7. Rudeness
Everyone is entitled to a bad day. And sure, I know that it’s easy to snap at the waiter or complain that the barista is taking an enormously long time to make a latte.
A long time ago, though, I had an encounter with a bellman at a hotel that has stuck with me forever.
He welcomed me back to the hotel on my second visit and I couldn’t believe he remembered me. When I asked him how he remembered who I was, he told me “Most people pretend I don’t exist. You looked at me and spoke to me. That made me feel like a real person.”
It was that reminder that everyone has value, from the bellboy to the bus boy, to the waitress.
When a woman is rude to a service professional, that means that she may have a situational value system, seeing those not on “equal” footing as less than worthy of kindness.
When a person treats someone in the service industry with a lack of respect, pretends they are invisible, or worse, is rude, it can be a red flag.
We are all in need of kindness and compassion. Rudeness to service people can show negative personality traits and a lack of empathy. Who wants to be married to someone who is lacking in compassion?
People who are rude to waiters and speak in a condescending manner show their inability to be team players. And when you get down to it, a partnership is a team.
8. Narcissism
Probably any woman you date will have selfies on her social media feed. There may be ones of her trying out a new lipstick, or group selfies on a girl’s night out.
However, examine her social media posts on the whole. If she has a mix of images like beautiful cupcakes, photos of beautiful places, and humorous pokes at life in general, she’s probably a decent person.
If most of her posts are those “doe-eyed” selfies where she looks both vulnerable and sexy, often with self-deprecating captions, back away.
Though this seems innocuous at first glance, what I’ve observed is that a woman who fills her feed with doe-eyed selfies needs attention with a Capital A. She may seem glamorous, and just the gal you want on your arm for the office Christmas party. Yet, when you get down to brass tacks, she is desperate for attention.
Everyone needs accolades and compliments, but being desperate for them is another story.
9. Egotism
I adore being around people having a good time. Some of my fondest memories are of nights out with friends willing to shed their inhibitions. What you may want to notice is if your date is always the life of the party.
Yes, there are folks out there with exuberant, outgoing personalities. However, notice if she always has a drink in hand, arrives already sloshed, or is replete of inhibitions thanks to a quick toke or other drug.
Overindulging occasionally can happen to anyone, but always being drunk or high is another thing.
Do you want to be in a relationship with someone with an alcohol or drug problem? Before you blow this off as "I indulge sometimes," know that an addiction can be a lifelong battle.
Party girls are fun ... until they’re not.
10. Conformity
Every couple I know mimics their partner’s use of slang or love of entertainment. You both love football and movies from the golden age of Hollywood.
Couples find compatibility in shared interests. However, if you begin to realize that she suddenly not only likes baseball, but is a die-hard fan for your team, something might be up.
Shared interests are one thing, however, if it seems like she’s committing identity theft, beware.
Sure, finding new passions is one thing. But only mimicking yours? That’s a sign she’s a chameleon. She is so focused on the two of you being compatible that she adopts all of your interests.
While that can be flattering, it's also the sign of someone who has no real opinions of their own.
Do you desire to be in a relationship with someone who is a chameleon? Life is meant to be enjoyed, not spent worrying about how your girlfriend or wife might respond when the next shoe drops.
If a woman you are dating exhibit these personality traits, walk away. Or better yet, run.
Healthy relationships demand that each person feels whole on their own.
Debra Smouse is a life coach and author who focuses on love, relationships, and compatibility. Follow her on Twitter for more relationship advice and love tips.