Love, Heartbreak

4 Ways To Survive A Breakup When You're Still In Love With Him

Photo: weheartit
4 Ways To Survive And Thrive After A Break Up You Don’t Want

Maybe you saw warning signs. There were hints or even "almost" bad enough fights. Maybe you didn’t have a clue. Whether you could predict it or not, it’s here. The horrible, awful, very bad, no good breakup that you don’t want.  

Perhaps you feel, as Tom Petty crooned in the 80s, "I Won’t Back Down." Only, you don’t have a choice. Much like a train heading full speed for you as you stand on its track, you can decide whether to get out of the way or get run over.

So, how do you gather the energy to save yourself and fling yourself off the tracks before you are flattened?

As my mother often said, "It’s simple but that doesn't make it easy."

Consider these four steps on how to survive a breakup to gather your inner fortitude and begin to live a life that’s on your terms, again:

1. Allow yourself to feel the pain and take comfort.

Cry, swear, call your friends and have a big "poor me" party. In other words, process the pain, anger and hurt. Allow it. By giving yourself time to do so, you can, even at the earliest stages, begin to heal.

If you don’t allow yourself to feel the pain and experience the full range of emotions related to it, it may return later and when you least expect it. Feeling is the beginning of recovery because you will understand your own emotions and own what they are.

2. Pay attention to what is different now.

Certainly, your life has changed. And, perhaps you are one of the unique people in this universe who had a perfect relationship that made every aspect of your life better. But, just maybe, even though there’s loss, there’s also something else.

Maybe, you can see a little light each day when you wake up well-rested (no snoring!) or get to decide what to make for dinner (no one else’s needs to consider). If not that, what is different that is good?

Pay attention as it may not be obvious. In fact, you may need a magnifying glass to create the close-up view you need of the world that exists and not the one you imagine did.

Often, loss brings us so much immediate pain it is difficult to see what is occurring that is not. You may need to spend some time in this process but you can notice a good difference.

RELATED: The 5 Not-So-Pretty (But Totally Normal) Stages Of Breakup Grief

3. Celebrate yourself.

There are likely at least a hundred ways you can measure your loss. What are the ways you can measure your gain? Contemplate it and write it down, literally.

Whatever it is, whether you have more peace, more time with friends, finding out who really cares in your time of crisis, or just more time with your cat, make a note. And take a moment of gratitude for it.

Yes, the loss still exists but so do you!

To celebrate this small victory of recognition, do something nice that’s just for you (and maybe your cat). Really, do this: make a plan to go for a walk, run, get a massage, read a book — whatever it is that you have sacrificed too often in the past while in the relationship. Celebrate you.

4. Evaluate what you've learned.

What did you learn from the end of your relationship? What might you consider in another one and what wouldn’t you? How do you like being alone? If it’s uncomfortable, why?

Take the time you need before plunging back into the deep waters of another relationship to remember who you are (maybe you haven’t known for a very long time) and cherish it. Treat yourself the way you would treat a new love in your life. You are, after all, the one you always have and you deserve it!

It’s never easy to find out someone in your life no longer wants to spend theirs with you. In fact, it can be positively horrifying. It’s also absolutely possible to not only recover from loss but to gain valuable insight because of it.

Growth means you need to show up and pay attention, not to just what you expect to happen but what really does. This can make the difference between moving forward and staying stuck. You deserve so much more than that, now, don’t you?

Get going and allow yourself the freedom to recover so you might find out what’s next and good about your life. It’s coming if you show up and pay attention now.

Cherie Morris and Vicki Vollweiler, both Certified Divorce Coaches with Dear Divorce Coach, can help you face divorce successfully with guidance as well as financial, emotional and parenting supports that work for you. You can reach both Cherie and Vicki from Dear Divorce Coach at or visit their site.

Watch YourTango Experts discuss the many ways to get over a breakup in this video.