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Sometimes first-time sex is awkward. It sucks, but it will get better!
By David Wygant — Written on May 01, 2015
Have you ever been on a great date? The guy was attractive, the meal was amazing, the conversation felt like it could go on forever. It was the perfect date ... until he walked you to the door and stuck his gigantic tongue down your throat!
Yeah, intimacy is a mood killer sometimes. You wouldn’t know it looking at movies or romance novel covers, but sometimes finding a rhythm is difficult, particularly with new partners, which is why you should start thinking about sex as something that comes together piece by piece before you see the big picture. When everything eventually falls into place, you'll know it was worth the wait.
1. Accept The Awkwardness
Each person has the same anatomy. Our parts are universally in the same spot. But how we like to have those spots touched is what varies. Chances are, you’re not going to get it right the first time every time. There are a million reasons why the first time isn’t good. You’re nervous. You’re usual tips and tricks aren’t working. Maybe it felt like it was time to move to the next step with this person but you just weren’t horny.
It’s not ideal and it’s not how we picture it in our heads, but sometimes sex just isn’t good. Sometimes it’s you, sometimes it’s your partner, sometimes it’s both. Whatever the situation, it’s uncomfortable.
The general reaction is to run away. Either you assume you partner is bad in bed and move onto your next attempt or you decide to stay with the person but never tell them the sex was bad. Neither of these choices are good. Just because the sex is bad at first doesn’t mean it’s disappointing forever. In fact, you’re kind of lucky because in all likelihood, things will only improve in the bedroom from that point. If you start at zero you can only go up.
2. Speak Up!
I’m amazed at the hoops women will jump through so they won’t offend anyone. I’ve had plenty of clients tell me about the terrible sex they suffered through because the guy was great and worth holding on to.
Here’s a secret: If that guy is even half as into you as you are into him he’d be devastated to learn you didn’t like the sex. He’d be embarrassed and mortified. Guys are sometimes selfish when it comes to sex and only worry about their own orgasm, but those guys are the ones who aren't worth your time.
However, when you’re in a committed relationship or at the start of a relationship that has long-term potential, a good guy is 100 percent into making sure you get off. The problem is most guys can’t tell if you orgasm. They’re basing your enjoyment on the noises you make.
You MUST be vocal in other ways if you’re not enjoying yourself, and there’s a multitude of ways to do this without hurting his feelings.
One way is during sex. You can reward him when he’s done something right with a kiss or by grasping him harder. When he does something you don’t like, gently suggest where you want him to move or move him into a more enjoyable position.
For some, thinking about how to communicate while also trying to appear sexy and provide pleasure sends their brain into meltdown. If you can’t talk to him during sex, try talk to him before. There are a lot of emotions and endorphins released during and after sex. Pillow talk comes easy when you’re feeling connected to your partner, but when you’re telling them you didn’t enjoy the sex that just happened, it hurts his ego and his feelings.
It’s just harder to hear, “That didn’t do anything for me,” as opposed to telling him a few days later, “Hey, I want to spice up our sex.” The second response doesn’t put the blame on anyone. It also opens up the conversation so he can tell you what he likes, too!
When you make suggestions and begin to practice them, there’s more room for questions during the process. It’ll be new to both of you and you’ll both want to check in with how the other feels.
3. Don't Rush It
Despite Drake’s promise it’s impossible to go from zero to 100 over night. Puzzles take time and so does finding what works sexually in a new relationship.
It’s hard because sex is pleasurable, ideally. The entire goal is to feel connected and make your partner reach nirvana just by being with you. When the sex isn’t good we feel we’ve failed the relationship. We don’t feel the energy we’re supposed to. We get inside our heads and think we’re the problem.
Why can’t he get it up? He thinks I’m ugly.
This hurts. What’s wrong with my body?
But chances are, nothing’s wrong; it just takes time to learn someone’s body. Have patience as you learn.
4. Don't Force It
Have you ever had sex for the first time and it was mind blowing? I’m talking off the charts, film scene, perfectly connected sex. It can and does happen.
I say this because connective energy lies on a spectrum. Sex isn’t good or bad; there are varying degrees. Some sexual partners, given time, learn each other’s bodies and get to the point of mind-blowing sex. But unfortunately, you’re not going to get there with everyone. Sometimes two people are so far apart in their preferences that good sex for both of them is an unobtainable feat.
There's no failure in this. There's no shame. It just didn’t work out.
So if the chemistry is there but your first sexual experience together didn't live up to your expectations, don't panic. You'll both figure out what makes the other tick, and when all the pieces of the puzzle come together, your sex life will improve. Give it time.
