Why Does My Hubby Fantasize About Other Women?

Shouldn't their love life fulfill all his sexual needs? Why does he seem to need more?

By David M. Matthews — Written on Jun 18, 2012

Question: I discovered my partner looks at a lot of porn (mostly barely-legal age individual women sites) on a regular basis. I have no problem with viewing porn, but the individual young girls reality was upsetting (I’m mid 40's but look/act 30's). He explained that he uses these sites for masturbation and that it means nothing negative towards me or our relationship. Is this typical male behavior? I’m feeling so naive because I thought he fantasized about me (we have a fantastic sex life, so I was a bit surprised!). Part of me feels devastated knowing he's fantasizing about other women and I don’t know how to get past that. When women fantasize (private time) it’s about the man they're in love/lust with, not multiple total strangers. Do you have any input about his habit, or advice to help me accept it? Thanks much! …Heidi

Answer: First of all, most men look at porn. And those who don’t generally WOULD, if they had the opportunity. Because men are so visually oriented, viewing naked women having sex with men – or each other - is almost as natural for us as eating, drinking, or splashing on the toilet rim when emptying our bladders.

Now just what “type” of porn tickles our fancy is based upon a number of factors. When we’re young, we’ll seek out attractive, naked women of almost any age. As we experience sex with women who are our contemporaries and move into our twenties, suddenly we’re looking for a little more variety, and our fantasies often wander to those with whom we haven’t yet dallied - MILFs and “cougars.” Then as we get older, since most of our sex partners are likely in our age range, we again look for the more exotic – women who are significantly younger than us. The point is, we are generally looking to fantasize about someone who is of a different age, look, or body shape than the woman we are currently involved with. We crave the variety, if only in our minds. There may be numerous other reasons why men look at “barely legal” women: 1) Nostalgia for simpler days, when sex was “new;” 2) The naughtiness of imagining yourself with someone scandalously younger; 3) The undeniable appeal of the “exuberance of youth;” 4) The image that young girls are somehow innocent (although, one doubts that’s the case for young & young-looking porn stars), and that romping with someone with such sexual naïveté could be really exciting. And the list goes on and on…

The important thing is that this is all about fantasy. Men are not inherently monogamous and naturally crave variety – NO MATTER HOW HOT YOU ARE OR HOW GREAT YOUR SEX LIFE IS. So, wanting to be faithful to you in our actions, we actively satisfy our desire and need for variety by fantasizing about others. That’s where the porn comes in. It is a great source of fantasy material and thus, a great masturbatory aid.

And yes, even when we’re having wild sex with you, we’re sometimes fantasizing about someone else. But it is important to note, that if we were actually HAVING sex with someone else, chances are good we’d be fantasizing about having sex with YOU. I know that sounds messed up, but it’s just how men are wired. It is almost universally how men feel (whether they admit to it or not), and therefore as natural and acceptable as your hard-wiring to only fantasize about the guy you’re ACTUALLY having sex with.

The bottom line is this: His interest in sexy, young women is in no way reflective of how much he cares for you, is attracted to you, or how HOT he thinks you are. It is also not any kind of indictment on your sexual technique. It does not mean he is dissatisfied with your bedroom antics, or that he wants to trade you in for a younger model. In fact, in the broadest sense (no pun intended), it has virtually nothing to do with you at all. It has everything to do with being a man, and being programmed to imagine every attractive woman you see naked and having sex with you. It’s just the way we are…and it only seems odd to you because it is NOT the way women are wired, in general. But take some comfort in this: Your man was completely honest when you asked him about his porn viewing habits, despite how distasteful you might find the reality. And while enjoying pornography might be common to most guys, being honest and forthright to their significant others about their sexual proclivities is far less universal. It sounds like you’ve got a decent guy. Don’t condemn him for “thought crimes” that virtually all men are guilty of.

Besides being a relationship coach and author of the controversial book, "Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think," David M. Matthews is an Emmy-winning TV Writer/Producer who's worked on some of television's favorite shows.