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Why does this happen?
By Cathy Vartuli — Written on Apr 22, 2019
When you have a loving heart and you offer it to someone special, it hurts to have it handed back to you. People don't always accept your gifts of love, leaving you feeling unappreciated and rejected.
At that point, it's easy to think there's something wrong with you. Old feelings of shame, anger and hurt bubble up to the surface. We pull back or lash out or try harder to have them accept our love.
I've been in that painful place. I've exhausted myself trying to offer a gift worthy of being accepted. I've tried to reclaim my sense of worth by having someone finally accept my gifts of love.
I tried all kinds of ways to find the "right way" to express my love, but it never worked. I kept struggling and I was stuck in a vicious cycle of rejection.
I simply didn't understand. I was offering gifts that I, personally, would have been moved to tears to receive. And yet, the people I offered these gifts to seemed uncomfortable, unaware or indifferent.
I thought it was me. Then I learned that not everyone "sees" acts of love in the same way.
What do I mean by that? We all see things from our internal perspective; it's just human nature. That also means that our loving intentions aren't always received as loving.
For example, imagine that a boy named Johnny has a crush on his classmate, Sally. He really wants to impress her (and he feels a bit guilty, because he's teased her in the past). So, he gets his mom's permission to bring her a gift.
He very carefully collects the ripest, most beautiful strawberries from his mother's garden and brings them in a basket to school. He has the very best of intentions and places them on her desk with a shy grin.
There's just one problem. Sally is allergic to strawberries and she's used to Johnny picking on her. So she sees this as a mean joke and turns up her nose at them.
Just as Sally easily interpreted this as a prank, Johnny can easily take this as a sign of rejection. He can feel like his gift of love isn't good enough and may feel ashamed and hurt.
Adults have this same problem. To a husband, washing the car may seem like a sweet gift to give his wife, but she might just be frustrated that he spent two hours outside "playing" when she really cared about getting the grass mowed.
So, what's the solution here? As adults, we can share our intentions and feelings verbally, even if we're shy.
If we offer our "Sally" strawberries, we can do it with a note or the words, "I wanted to get you something special, I hope you like these." When we let one another know that we're sharing a gift of love, we help our loved ones understand where we're coming from. This prevents a lot of misunderstandings and can actually make the gift feel sweeter to the recipient.
If you feel too shy to express your feelings openly, remember that everyone has their own insecurities. And if that person rejects you? As scary as it sounds, it's best to know if you need to move on before you invest more emotional energy him/her.
You may not need to try any harder, you just need to accompany your acts of love with honest, openly expressed feelings. That way, there's no confusion about your loving intentions.
Cathy Vartuli is an Emotional Freedom and Relationship Coach who helps people transform their traumas into their greatest strengths. As a certified AAMET Advanced EFT Practitioner, she offers audio products and programs, and group and individual coaching.