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Is it sad or simply reality?
By Brenda Descamps — Written on Dec 21, 2017
The kiss is exciting, passionate, and sensual. It insights arousal inside you. As the kiss continues, you can feel your heart beating faster and faster. To be honest, it’s just plain hot!
What makes the "French" kiss so different than any other kiss? Being married to a French man, I asked. After 22 years of marriage, it was an enlightening conversation. He explained, that French kissing, for most males, is a means to an end. If done right, you’ll get laid.
When I heard this, I said, "It’s about sex?" He continued to explain his philosophy on kissing and as we talked, I realized there was wisdom in his words.
Kissing has a purpose. Not all kisses are meant for arousal. Some are polite, but the French kiss is considered more foreplay. If it’s so great, then why do most married couples stop French kissing? If it is missing, is it sad or just simply reality?
Together, we think we have the answer on why couples stop kissing the French way:
1. It takes time.
As a young married couple, you have time, but when the children come into the picture, bam! The time is non-existent. To find the time to talk or show any affection is limited with little ones in the house. Even when a weekend away from the children is planned, activities will revolve more around napping than anything that leads to sex.
Unlike Carrie Bradshaw in the HBO series Sex and the City, who in one episode panicked because she and Mr. Big were not having sex every night, for most couples, that is not reality.
Life is hectic, crazy, with competing priorities. Don’t misunderstand, I loved the Carrie character. I, too, have a love of shoes and desserts. The difference is, if I eat cake, I gain weight.
2. It's not necessary.
At the beginning of a relationship, it’s important that both participants know that they are attracted to the other, and both parties want to express their sexual desires through an exchange of physical contact, like the French kiss.
As my husband says, "French kissing gets the motor running." When you’re married, you’ve pledged your eternal love to the other person. You grow to know them better than anyone else and a mere look or simple touch says, "Hey, I am ready to go!"
As my Frenchman says, "When you’re married, the French kiss is not necessary."
3. It requires energy.
Good French kissing takes energy. To serve its purpose it must be done correctly and that’s difficult when you’re fatigued. Even as the children grow older, their activities take up a great deal of time. Your careers are in full swing and success typically means more time spent at work.
Energy drives our lives. Everything we do depends on the energy we put towards it. In our fast-paced world, French kissing simply takes too much energy.
4. Your affection changes.
The longer you’re married, a phenomenon takes place. Affection is merely not shown through kissing or sex, it is shown by actions.
After a long day at work, my husband will cook and bring my dinner to me while I sleep in my favorite chair. He maintains our home, runs errands, and has changed more diapers than any Papa I know.
After 22 years, his acts of kindness towards me are just as appreciated as physical affection. Some may say it’s sad, I think it is a good thing. As you mature in your relationship, life has a way of preparing you for what lies ahead, and that may not include the French kiss.
5. Your relationship matures.
I guess this is a subtle way of saying, "You get old." As you grow older, life is different. While age brings freedom in some ways, it also brings anxiety in others. Our bodies change and are crippled by diseases we can’t always control. You learn to adapt and find alternate ways to please the other sexually without kissing and even intercourse.
While a wonderful tool of arousal, the French kiss can be difficult to perform as you grow older. Medical conditions and treatments can change the way our body reacts to certain stimuli, and while the French kiss at one time may have been a perfect source of pleasure, could now be a source of stress.
As my Frenchman says, "Intimacy is not about sex and sex has little to do with intimacy."
While it may seem sad to some that the French kiss is missing from most marriages, I think it’s not sad, but misunderstood. Unlike portrayed on television or in the movies, life is not a fairytale. Whether married seven years or 27 years, marriage is tough. That’s what makes it special.
Personally, we’ve endured many hardships. Through it all, the choice we made to love, honor, and cherish is strong even without the French kiss being a top seller on the kissing menu. Make no mistake, it’s on the menu, just not the favorite dish!
Brenda Descamps is a Board-Certified Leadership and Life Coach. If you’re struggling with relationships, communication, or life issues, you can reach her at brenda@performanceconceptsweb.com or on her website.