My BOYFRIEND Is Still “looking…”

Why some men still keep their online dating profile active.


After finding love and a serious relationship some men still keep their online dating profile active. The explanations for this are pretty lame but these men always make the argument that there’s some good reason to keep their profile active. If it's not a passive-aggressive way of telling me we have broken up, what is it? 

SO HELP ME UNDERSTAND                                                                                     


You are consciously and deliberately advertising to the entire (FEMALE) population that you are available. Available to speak to women who believe you are unattached, that you look something like your 'thinner version' photograph, and that you are free (AVAILABLE) to engage in romance, possibly with her, at least on line.

Women, if you find yourself in this situation, that your boyfriend is not only still on line but he’s been active "within an hour," I think you might have to adddress that you have a problem. It may not mean that he’s actually cheating on you, meeting other women and having sex with them, but I do think it means he’s not taking your relationship or feelings as seriously as he probably ought to.


The primary reason to keep an online dating profile active is simple: TO MEET NEW WOMEN. I can’t think of another, hard as I try. Can you? REALLY? Maybe he just likes having his ego stroked when women flirt with him? This is still somewhat problematic because he isn't exactly in a position to be getting stroked by other women, now is he?                                                                                                     


All the reasons I could think of for a man to keep a profile active while he’s in a relationship. None of these appears condusive to long term happiness--or is it just me?

1. He’s looking to cheat.


2. He likes to flirt with strange women and be flirted with.

3. He may not flirt but likes the idea that women are looking at him. 

4. He doesn’t understand that he’s in a committed relationship.

5. He’s looking to meet or talk to women for some other reason…

First, consider that perhaps he’s not as committed to your relationship as he says or you thought. This doesn’t mean that he’s going to cheat on you or break up immediately but it can’t be a good thing. At the very least, this action is a serious sign of disrespect. If you’re his woman, why is he behaving this way? Ask him. I think it’s reasonable for you to feel uncomfortable with this and also reasonable for you to ask him to stop.
If you’re not comfortable confronting him, I have other recommendations. Wink at him. That’s right. See if subtlety is appreciated--if he gets the hint or if he just winks back. Or simply cut and paste this article in the bathroom, next to the sign: “Please put the toilet seat down when finished. Signed, The Management.”


The point is to get him to recognize that while you appear to be cyber-stalking him--and you are, but under the circumstances, who cares?--, you have a profile also, and how does he feel when the person he is dating has put herself out there in the singles’ community as available, and strange men are looking at her with possibly lust in their hearts? If he begins a retort sentence that has the word TRUST in it, ladies, just give him the look. You know the one...

If he still doesn’t get the idea I’d suggest that you keep your dating profile active until you find a man who will treat you with the respect you deserve and cut this loser loose.
You might care a great deal for this man but his blatant disrespect more than suggests he cares less for you than you thought…or hoped.

Barbara Kennedy, MPH, MSW, is a well-known relationship coach, prominent speaker, and public health educator with a private relationship coaching practice in Scottsdale, Arizona. Author of “BABY BOOMER MEN LOOKING FOR LOVE – The Last Dance” and soon to be released “BABY BOOMER WOMEN 1,001 FIRST DATES – Love-On-Line (L-O-L)”