Here's why you need to stop yelling, ASAP.
By Anna Thea — Written on Jun 19, 2020
How have these powerful times of change affected your relationships?
Have you grown closer? Or has it become strained with arguments and differences of opinions? Has there been yelling?
Have you been asking yourself how much yelling is healthy in a relationship?
Or, are you wondering if yelling is along the same lines as abuse? What is normal, in terms of yelling? And when can yelling be acceptable in a relationship?
Let me be clear: Yelling is destructive behavior and a form of abuse.
It takes greater consciousness and compassion to hold a space that’s free from yelling when differences of opinions arise. And it’s not always easy.
But it will hold sacred the love you have. And that’s worth the effort.
Yes, I was a yeller. I’m not proud of that. I had to learn a hard lesson that ultimately showed me its venomous force.
The hard lesson came through my man falling in love with another woman. We were together for almost five years. We had both good and bad times.
He had a strong presence, and I had a strong will. Unfortunately, power struggles played too big of a role in our relationship. When we were faced with disagreement, I would resort to yelling.
He gave me the biggest gift to help me heal this self-sabotaging behavior. When I yelled, he would say, “I can’t hear you when you yell.”
And that was all I really wanted — was to be heard. That’s why I yelled.
It took him falling in love with another woman for me to wake up. I look back now and see how damaging my yelling has been in all my previous relationships.
Yelling was my protection. But it wasn’t a quality that enhanced my relationships. It made them more distant.
Here are 5 reasons why you need to give up yelling at your partner before it destroys your relationship.
1. It’s your wound.
If you yell, it’s a wound you’re holding. It’s your defense mechanism.
You’ve learned a way of coping that sabotages what you really want most… To be heard and understood. That’s a big core wound that I know I hold, and most likely you do, too.
If someone isn’t listening to you or not getting what you’re saying, you might think that raising your voice will help. This only works if they are physically hearing impaired. Raising your voice to the point of yelling doesn’t help your core wound of not being heard and understood.
Learn to talk from your heart, not your head, and you’ll find people will listen. Your voice will be powerful. And you’ll have no need to yell.
2. It shuts the other person down.
If you’re a yeller and you want more love and intimacy in your life, you need to understand the hurtful nature of this behavior.
When you yell, you shut the other person down. You make them wrong. Their heart shuts down because they, too, want to feel heard and understood.
Creating a space where both of you can stay open and discuss things is greatly hindered by yelling.
3. You say things you don’t mean.
Have you ever been so upset that you say something you later regret? I know my husband used to always threaten divorce when things got really tense. What I really needed from him was not threats, but understanding.
When you’re upset and start yelling, you are in a triggered state. Your logical mind is actually not working properly.
Don’t sabotage your love and say things you don’t mean. It’s not only hurtful, it’s harmful to the stability of the relationship.
4. It doesn’t open your heart and make you feel good.
When you’ve said something that you later regret, what have you done? You tried to apologize and mend the situation, but the damage was already done. Your words are powerful. Use them wisely and for love, not war.
Relationships are vulnerable. Harsh words spoken — especially unconsciously in a triggered state with yelling — creates a battlefield. They leave unseen damages that can’t easily be repaired in the form of resentments and other hard feelings.
When you yell, you shut down your heart. And that doesn’t feel good. Stop yelling and you’ll have more of your heart to share.
5. You are actively pushing love away.
Standing up for yourself is a good thing, but yelling is not. If you really know how to stand up for yourself, you’ll have no need to yell.
It’s because you have cultivated self-love. You’ll be able to easily speak your truth in a calm and centered way. You’ll be able to set healthy boundaries, knowing what’s right and wrong for you.
Yellers, on the other hand, lack self-love. Instead, by yelling they push love away. Squeezing it outside of their reach. Shutting down their heart and another’s with their piercing voice. All the while, that person’s inner voice is saying: ”I’m not good enough,” or “I don’t deserve love.”
You do deserve love. And love is worth cultivating. Stop yelling and start letting more love in.
In conclusion, how much yelling is healthy in a relationship and where do you draw the line?
You draw the line when your voice goes up. When you yell, you’re using a destructive weapon. Become conscious of that, and your relationships will transform.
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Anna-Thea is an author and certified Divine Feminine educator. If you want to learn how to free yourself from the bad habit of yelling and learn how to speak your truth from your heart, check out her free course, How to Be Heard and Understood.