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The way you communicate can make or break your relationship.
By Anna Thea — Written on Feb 25, 2019
Learning how to improve communication skills in a relationship requires you to learn a new language — yes really!
The language is still English, but it's It's just a whole new set of communication skills that will create more emotional intimacy, emotional connection, and love in your relationships.
In gaining an understanding of the best pathways for effective communication skills in relationships, you'll have a new way to tackle relationship problems you never dreamed of before.
Why is communication important?
Well, the lack of effective communication is the number one way to take healthy relationships and turn them upside down.
You learned how to communicate and how to control your emotions from your family. As a child, what happened when you were upset or emotional? Were you able to give your feelings a voice? Many people weren't.
You might have been told, "Don't be sad." and given a lollipop for example instead.
Gulp down those feelings and emotions with sugar!
The message you were given is that feelings are "bad" and they should be shut down or shut off as quickly as possible.
But connecting to your feelings and negative emotions is an important part of how to improve communication in a relationship and become more intimate.
Your learned pattern of communicating as a child doesn't magically go away when you grow up and enter into an intimate relationship. It's during these intimate relationship where you have the opportunity to give those feelings a voice. When you grow and engage in intimate relationships, feelings naturally come up.
Conflicts and differences arise. Denying your feelings as an adult in an intimate relationship is almost a guaranteed path to divorce. Healthy relationships require knowing effective communication skills.
The importance of effective communication techniques cannot be understated. There's a lot to it. Get to know these tips and you'll be well on your way to happier healthier relationships.
Here are 6 tips for improving communication skills in relationships to build more love, intimacy, and emotional connection:
1. Don't hold things in
Learn how to address your uncomfortable feelings instead of denying them. This is the key to knowing how to improve communication in a relationship. Instead, people are masters at repressing their emotions.
That was clearly demonstrated when Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh gave his testimony on Sept 27th, 2018 addressing Dr. Christine Blasey Ford's allegations of sexual assault. He literally gulped down his emotions with sips of water to continue speaking without having an emotional breakdown. It was a clear demonstration of what everyone does, but on a more subtle level.
We have been taught to think to ourselves:
"I shouldn't feel that way."
"It doesn't matter"
"I'll get over it."
Don't hold your negative emotions in! You have uncomfortable feelings for a reason. Learn to process them instead of repressing them.
2. Process your feelings before you talk
If something's bothering you in your relationship learn how to process your emotions and uncover your core needs.
Once you're aware of your core need (not your need for someone to change) you will communicate from a more centered place in your conversation.
But you may have no idea how to process your emotions.
That's the main reason for poor communication in a relationship.
And connecting to your feelings is an important part of knowing how to communicate effectively and how to improve your communication skills.
Culture is set up to numb you out instead of feeling into what's bothering you.
It's so easy to have an innocent glass of wine... or two. Or look in the refrigerator when you're not hungry at all.
You have easy access to alcohol, video games, porn, shopping, and overindulgent dining experiences to help shut off your emotions and ignore relationship problems.
You habitually avoid your uncomfortable feelings without even knowing it, which keeps you from learning how to communicate better.
This disconnects you from your internal navigating system, your feelings. Your feelings are powerful indicators of what's right and what's wrong in your world. Your feelings have important information for you.
If you don't process them, they don't go away. Unprocessed emotions are a disaster waiting to happen in relationships. Constant arguing comes from not processing your emotions.
3. Ask for a conversation and create a time and space for it
After you've learned to process your emotions, you'll be connected to your core need.
Don't be a nagging wife or a drama queen. Recognize what's upsetting you. Get to the core need and then ask your partner for a specific time to talk about it.
Don't yell from the other room that something is bothering you. Or walk into the house in a huff because you just found out something disturbing about your partner.
Instead, process your feelings and wait until you are calm, then say to them, "There is something on my heart I'd like to talk about. When would be a good time?"
Then, when you have the conversation, you'll have his or her attention and you'll be in a clearer space to address your concerns and emotions in a calmer way, and you'll understand how to communicate effectively when it comes to your needs.
4. Talk in person, not via text or email
Texting and emailing can be efficient, but not when there's conflict. So much gets lost and misunderstood via a text or email.
It takes courage to process your feelings, discover your core need and speak to that need in person.
It's much easier to hide behind texts and long emails that go back and forth.
It takes courage on your part to speak your truth directly, lovingly and in person.
My biggest growth has been when I've had the courage to speak my truth and ask for what I need using my Heart Talk model.
And if in person is not possible, use Skype or Zoom. No excuses. If you want to learn how to improve communication in a relationship addressing conflict in person is the way to go.
5. Don't place blame or get defensive
Now that you have processed your emotions, know your core need and have requested a time to talk with your partner (in person) about what's upsetting you, take the next step.
Have the conversation in a way that's doesn't put them on the defensive.
Get all blame, shame and pointing fingers out of the conversation.
This isn't always easy to do. But, remember when you point a finger there are three more pointing back at you. You must learn how to communicate to create connection instead of defense.
6. Speak what you want and don't want
Now that you have asked for a time to talk with your partner, you know what your core need is and you are ready to have a constructive conversation with this person who means a lot to you, ask for what you want. Make sure you use "I" statements as opposed to "You" statements. And speak to what you do want instead of complaining about what you don't want.
If your man doesn't pick up after himself, don't call him a slob.
Knowing how to improve communication in a relationship excludes name calling. Have a sincere conversation with him about your need for cleanliness.
Get curious and ask him how important it is to have a house that looks nice and is welcoming when others visit. If you call him a slob when you're trying to have him help around the house, he'll only get defensive. But if you speak to your need for cleanliness in a calm, centered, and heartfelt way, you'll have a better chance of coming up with a creative solution.
7. Use your divine feminine communication
Using your feminine energy to communicate will help you create more receptivity and less defensiveness. This will help you handle arguments in your relationship will become more graceful.
And that's a beautiful thing.
The divine feminine is your softer, more receptive, vulnerable, nurturing side. Learn to let go of your GI Joe communication tactics.
Get the "war" out of your words; this will almost assuredly improve communication skills and eliminate the need to fight instead of talk about problems.
No matter if you are male or female, you have both feminine and masculine energy.
You can always put more divine feminine qualities into the way you communicate. It would create a more harmonious world.
Anna-Thea is an author and divine feminine educator. If this article resonated with you and you would like to put more feminine energy into the way you communicate in your intimate relationships start by taking a free Love Test.
This article was originally published at Anna Thea. Reprinted with permission from the author.