How To Have Hot Anal Sex (That Isn't Painful)

Anal sex can be clean, safe and pleasurable — if you know what to do.

woman thinking: how to have anal sex Alexander Krivitskiy on Unsplash

Anal sex is typically one of those things people either love or hate — there's very little in between.

After their first time having anal sex, a fair number of men and women say they wouldn't dare trying it again, despite their hankering to be one of those"lucky" ones who love it.

The reason people have such vastly different perspectives on anal sex is clear: the ratio of pain and pleasure.

For those whose experiences come with no pain involved, there was probably intense pleasure—and vice versa. Hence, love or hate.


And while true that most people on the receiving end of anal sex will experience at least some painful moments, practice makes perfect.

Knowing how to prepare for anal sex and keeping an open mind as you maneuver yourself and try different styles can, for most men and women alike, allow anal sex to be pleasurable.

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Why do men and women like anal sex?

For people of all genders, anal sex causes different, tighter sensations.

It's also considered naughty and adds some variety to your sex life.

Anal sex still has a tang of taboo attached to it, although this is falling away. The taboo, naughty status gives it a certain allure among the adventuresome and timid alike, adding to its attraction.

Once tried, however, anal sex can quickly lose its appeal for women (and some men).

First, let's start with the positives.

Many men and women love anal sex because it can feel absolutely incredible. It is different in sensation and it doesn't feel like anything else you've felt before.


What does anal sex feel like?

Women say they feel a deep sensation from inside, not on their clitoris and not in their vagina, yet strangely feeling like both are being stimulated in a sort of mixed-up combination rooted in another part of the body. The rectum, once it is ready, literally swallows the penis up and cannot get enough as the back passage transforms itself into a sexual playground.

This occurs because, although a woman's "A"spot is located in the vagina, it can be stimulated through the rectum wall by the pressure and thrusting of the penis.

When you stimulate a woman's clitoris and/or vagina with your fingers as well while you are inside of her, it can take her to another sexual realm in which she can experience intense anal orgasms.

Most of us love to be a little bit naughty sometimes, and anal sex is one of those things you can do completely privately, and nobody will ever know you were naughty except you and your lover.


It's also often a "first time for both of you" type of activity which can also be nice; doing something neither of you have never done before, together

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Now, for what can go wrong.

Anal sex hurts if done incorrectly. It's not often easy to master when you haven't done it before.

For a man on the giving end, it may seem straight forward:you slip in and out. But it's not this simple.

Women and others who hate receiving anal sex primarily feel that way because it hurts.

Anal sex can sometimes, though not often, come with complications. It might exacerbate existing hemorrhoids or tears, and in extreme (and extremely rare) cases, could lead to puncturing a hole (perforation) in the colon.


It's more likely that if you don't start slowly and carefully using plenty of lubrication you will hurt a woman to the extent that, while she is not at risk for anything dangerous, she will not want to tolerate the level of pain involved.

Always be your best and most loving so you can both enjoy great pleasure and intimacy.

Additionally, anal sex is obviously a hot spot for a creating a potential mess.

The idea that you could penetrate her butt and come out covered in a sticky situation is hugely embarrassing for her before it even happens. For this reason alone, some men and women avoid anal sex altogether.

Women spend so much time making themselves look and smell beautiful that to have something ruin her hard work can be mildly devastating.


Worrying about the potential mess can be alleviated via safe anal douching with water before engaging in anal play. Try taking a shower together and make sure her or your bowels are emptied at least an hour before starting.

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How to prepare for anal sex

  1. Before anal exploration, make sure your bowels are empty. Take a shower and soap all around your anus.Just this simple prep should leave you feeling clean enough to explore. If you do not feel quite clean enough yet, try an anal douche using clean water.
  2. Begin exploring your lover's anus and its pleasurable nerve endings with your fingers or a toy before you attempt anal sex.
  3. Always use a bunch of thick lube, as the anus does not lubricate naturally. You really cannot use too much.
  4. When you insert your fingers or a toy into your lover's anus, remind your lover to relax their sphincter muscles. If you are the one being penetrated, a great way to isolate your sphincter muscles is to think about tensing them up. Clench the muscles you would use to keep from passing gas, then release. The more you clench and release, the more relaxed you will become.
  5. Relax and bear down when something is being pushed inside you. The key to enjoyable anal sex is a relaxed anus (and all that lube). When the person on the receiving end feels relaxed and ready to be penetrated, go for it.
  6. If you prefer, you can choose a position where the person receiving controls penetration, such as squatting or kneeling on top of the person who will be doing the penetrating. Another gentle position is the spooning position, where both partners lie on their sides.
  7. The person who will be giving should also apply plenty of lube to their penis before entering. Using a condom is advisable, as bacteria in the anus can spread infections.

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Once you feel prepared, here are three basic tips on how to have anal sex for the first time.

1. Use a lot of lubrication.


The anal canal does not produce its own lubricant, so it is imperative that you use a good quality lubricant in all your anal adventures. It is advisable to use a silicon-based lubricant because they tend to last longer and do not dry up very quickly like some water-based lubricants do.

Absolutely do not use sticky petroleum-based products like Vaseline, as they clog up the walls of the rectum and are much too sticky.

2. Tease her.

It is very important that she is very turned on before you even go near her butt. When she is turned on, her body is much more open to you than if she is only mildly turned on. She needs to be aching for you to touch her there.


Then, when you start to touch her closer to her anus, she will respond with moans and groans instead of a tense grimace. Rub her body all over with oils, relax her, love her, adore her, and caress her. Get her to the point where she is begging you for it, and do this without putting a single thing in her. Anticipation is one of the greatest sexual tools you have, so use it to your advantage.

3. Remember that condoms and hygiene are important.

Diseases can be passed through unprotected sex and this includes anal sex. The wall of the rectum is very thin and permeable. However, using condoms can be better for both partners, for other reasons.

Women may not like to have a bottom full of semen, which quite frankly is a fair call. After the disruptions of anal sex, the semen mixes with the contents of the rectum and it can get a little "upset" in there. Using a condom avoids this trouble.


Condoms may also protect the penis from any stray fecal matter, though this is generally not a problem, and if it does occur can be washed off easily with no harm done. Men may like to wear a condom so they last a bit longer as the condom desensitizes the penis somewhat and allows for longer lovemaking.

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Now that we've covered the basics of what you should do, here are some additional reminders to keep at the top of your mind:

  • Do not ever put your penis into a woman’s body without her express permission.
  • Do not treat her body like a scoring device. She is not an object for you to ejaculate in or on, and if she is kind enough to share her beautiful butt with you, treat it with respect and be happy you were allowed close enough to breathe her in at all.
  • Do not ejaculate inside of her if requested not to.
  • You may be totally"ravishing"her, but do not abuse her. Respect that she is trusting you as she "surrenders" herself. Anal sex like any form of sex can be a transcending and ecstatic experience for you both to share in intimacy.
  • Do not slam, jackhammer or be forceful (unless she asks you to).

Again, always use lube, always wear a condom if requested to (without acting like a baby), do as you are asked at all times and communicate openly, as anal sex is a delicate situation and she needs to be able to trust you.


Open your mind to the possibility that anal sex is not something that you do to your female lover, but something that you share with each other.

Anal sex takes a lot of practice to perfect and experimenting with one another is a fantastic way to deepen your intimate connection and enhance your sex life and the intimacy in your relationship.

It does not have to involve sex toys. You can use fingers, tongues, oils, lubes, and any number of other things.

Experiment and let your own body and energy be loved. It will pay off.

Anal sex is many things to many people. Do it right, and you will get to do it again. Do it wrong, and you will not.

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Ange Fonce is an international author, speaker,Peak Performance Psychodynamic Development Coach and Counselling Psychologist who works with men and women on techniques, strategies and methods that lead to a more fulfilling lifestyle.