Photo: KinoMasterskaya and Evgeniia Primavera / Shutterstock
He even got her a $9,000 car.
By Isaac Serna-Diez
Last updated on Dec 17, 2023
After experiencing fertility issues, a woman and her husband, Hunter, decided to use a surrogate mother to have their child. The couple legally hired a surrogate mother who the wife explained in a Reddit post is a respectful woman who has been keeping up her end of the contract as well.
However, it seems her husband Hunter may be sabotaging the arrangement.
The wife is concerned with her husband's inclination to buy extravagant gifts for and spend excessive time with their surrogate.
Looking for a little bit of help and reassurance, the wife took to Reddit seeking advice on her husband's behavior.
“I've noticed that he's been focusing his all attention on our surrogate like skipping work to visit her or get her things she didn't ask for, chatting with her all the time on social media, and also constantly offering to do things for her like .... drive her places and sometimes even invite her out or offer to repair stuff for her,” she wrote.
While this may seem like something an overattentive father would do for the mother of his child, according to the wife, it's making the surrogate uncomfortable.
“She complained to me about this and even told me about things he's been doing that I didn't even know about, like bringing her gifts,” she wrote, including a $9,000 car, which her husband claimed was to help the surrogate avoid taking public transportation during her pregnancy.
"I tried speaking to him about what this looks like but he said that he's doing what he's doing for his son and not her," the woman wrote. “I told him to stop disrespecting the woman and stop using the baby as an excuse to stomp all over her boundaries."
It's common for new fathers to experience anxiety during pregnancy.
While surrogacy laws vary by state, egg donor and surrogacy agency Hatch Fertility has noted that typically, couples and their surrogates must agree on a surrogacy contract that outlines details regarding the surrogacy including compensation, allowances and responsibilities of both the surrogate and the parents. Such contracts aim to prevent situations such as this one, as each person is aware of their roles and boundaries.
While the existence of a legal contract should lay out the entire process of the pregnancy, it may not take into account the completely normal anxiety that new parents face during pregnancy.
"The psychological journey of pregnancy and childbirth is no less profound for the father that it is for the mother," Armin Brott, the author of "The Expectant Father and Father for Life," told WebMD.
According to research published in 2023, paternal anxiety during pregnancy is often "characterised by excessive worry across multiple domains of pregnancy-related concerns," which seems to be the case for this husband. However, being that there is a surrogate involved, his anxieties aren't focused on the wife, but the surrogate, instead.
"Part of the problem is that actions taken in that anxiousness, that are okay with a loving partner relationship, aren't okay with a surrogate," one person wrote in the comments. "Checking on your spouse frequently? Usually fine. Getting your partner gifts? Fine. Obsessing about their health? May be obnoxious, but in line with the relationship."
Though experiencing anxiety during pregnancy is normal and even expected, a surrogate relationship is a professional one, with boundaries that must be maintained.
Experts suggest parents keep an open line of communication with each other throughout the entire pregnancy and seek professional help when it's needed.
"There may not be a solution sometimes," said Brott, "but feeling understood will make everything easier."
Isaac Serna-Diez is a writer who focuses on entertainment and news, social justice and relationships.