Self

Why Just Because I Say 'I'm Okay' Doesn't Mean I'm Not Hurting

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By Rayi Noormega

When I reply to your question with “I’m okay,” most likely, I’m not.

My world is actually collapsing or turning upside down at the moment. I feel lost and miserable, not to mention that everything in my life is not working the way I planned.

Those silver lining quotes or happy ending movies are failing to make me believe in hope, and I know that losing hope is not okay.

When I say “I’m okay,” sometimes it means that I’m actually hurting inside.

Maybe I lost that one person or two whom I really loved. Maybe I expect too much from the universe to give back the love that I gave to other people.

I’m being too human and the only thing I want in this life is to get the love that I deserve. My own expectations and hopes toward those unrequited loves are the ones which brought disappointment to my own life, and I know that expecting too much is not okay.

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When I say “I’m okay,” more often than not, I don’t know how to ask for help. I feel trapped between my own fears and hopelessness, simply because I know that the only person who can help me is me.

I know that no matter how many people want to help, the key to feeling better is only through changing my own perspectives toward life. Asking for help will only make me believe that I’m incapable of taking care of myself, and I know that refusing to be fixed is not okay.

When I say “I’m okay,” it is a war within myself because, actually, I want someone to say “I’m here” or “I know you’re not okay,” but I want to be left alone all at the same time. I want to make someone understand that there are thousands of stories I want to tell if only they won’t judge me.

I don’t want people to judge that I’m not an-okay-girl. I live my life through people’s opinions and I know that’s not okay.

When I say “I’m okay,” I will feel guilty afterward simply because I lied. I have that bad habit of overthinking everything but I don’t want you to figure it out. I want to keep my regrets, mistakes, flaws, weaknesses, and those insecurities just for myself, simply because I’m scared to trust people.

I know that once I open up to people, they will break me apart little by little and they will leave me. I know that having a trust issue is not okay.

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When I say “I’m okay,” it’s because I don’t want to be a burden for anybody else.

I know that everyone is busy with their own business and people are fighting their own battles. Complaining or telling other people about the setbacks in my life will only make me feel guilty for making my problems become their problems, too.

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I appreciate the support, but sooner or later I will fake my smile again to convince them that I’m alright. I know that faking my own sadness is not okay.

When I say “I’m okay,” I hope you understand that I’m currently fighting my own battles and I want you to pray for me with all your heart. I need you to hug me silently without even forcing me to tell the truth. I want you to be patient as I’m looking for the right way to ask for your help.

I need you to understand that it’s not easy for me to open up and I’m sorry for being so difficult.

Please don’t be mad at me just because I keep silent; I will tell you everything when the time comes. It has nothing to do with you; it’s me.

When I say “I’m not okay,” that’s the time when I’m ready to tell you the truth.

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Rayi Noormega is a writer for Thought Catalog and Unwritten. She has also been published at Elite Daily, Magdalene, Huffington Post, The Jakarta Post, and more. For more of her content, visit her website.

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This article was originally published at Unwritten. Reprinted with permission from the author.