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Perhaps the worst feeling in the world.
By Izzy Casey — Written on Sep 23, 2021
Want to know what it feels like to be cheated on? Like sticking three needles into your eye. Or swinging a sledgehammer straight into your heart.
Basically, think of the most painful thing you can experience, multiply it by 10, and that's what it feels like to be cheated on.
It's no secret that being cheated on hurts, regardless of circumstance.
Even if you're ready to terminate a relationship, it's a violation of trust.
What it Feels Like to Be Cheated On
Being cheated on can cause a whirlwind of emotions inside you. The important thing to remember is that there’s no right or wrong way to feel.
Family and loved ones might be confused that you’re not angrier. Or, a mutual friend might try to convince you that you’re overreacting. Perhaps you feel a different emotion every hour, and your friends are starting to get a little concerned.
There’s no such thing as feeling the wrong or right way. Own your emotions. You deserve to be honest with yourself.
1. Infuriating
If you've ever been cheated on, you've likely spiraled into a state of rage.
Being in a committed relationship requires openness, honesty, and trust. Breaking the relationship rules is a violation of all of those. When trust is violated, people get angry.
2. Shameful
Some people feel their greatest and deepest wrath after being cheated on while others blame themselves.
A lot of times the person who was cheated on will hold themselves responsible for being betrayed.
"I went to bed every night wondering why I was not enough," someone on Quora posted about their experience with being cheated on. "What I wasn't doing right that made him cheat, the emotional torture can be unbearable."
3. Embarrassing
"Horrible/ shattering/ life-ending/ nauseating oh my god the feeling can send you mad," someone on Quora posted. "You feel so alone so lost so want to curl up and disappear so do not want to bathe eat sleep so unable to function I do not have enough words to describe it you just feel dead."
Sometimes people feel ashamed of themselves. To some, it can be embarrassing to learn that someone cheated on you, especially if the news came as a surprise.
It makes people feel as though they are oblivious, naive, and unintelligent.
4. Relieving
Maybe the end of your relationship was a long time coming, and being cheated on was the catalyst for a termination that was bound to be made.
Sometimes being cheated on is an excuse to finally terminate an unhappy relationship.
A lot of people have a hard time leaving someone they love — or used to love. But being wronged by a partner can be the fuel to ignite the breakup they've been pushing off.
How People React To Being Cheated On
So we've already covered how being cheated on can inflict a whirlwind of emotions inside you. A whirlwind of reactions can also commence.
1. They are driven by their desire for revenge.
Being broken up with isn't always the worst-case scenario. Remember that cheating is considered the ultimate act of betrayal.
If you cheated on your partner, they could choose to somehow get you back instead of taking the high road.
2. They develop major trust issues.
Cheating on someone is a violation of their trust.
If they do decide to continue your relationship, you're going to have to be patient. Building trust takes time. It takes even more time if you've violated it.
If they break up with you, they could still have a hard time trusting someone in their next relationship.
3. They struggle with an extreme need for validation.
If your partner decides to stay with you after you cheated, they’re most likely going to feel a little insecure about the relationship.
Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s definitely possible for people to change. It makes sense, however, that your partner would have a hard time believing that.
They might need a lot of validation, which can put an emotional toll on the relationship.
4. They will want to break up with you.
This one is kind of a no-brainer. If you cheat on someone, they might end it for good.
They might need a lot of space from you and a friendship might also not be on the horizon.
Just because you're sorry doesn't mean you deserve their forgiveness.
7 Stages Someone Goes Through After They Find Out That They've Been Cheated On
There are seven stages of coping with infidelity.
Similar to the stages of grief, there’s no exact order. Sometimes you jump from stage one to stage three to stage two to seven and back to one again.
Every day becomes a different battle. It’s important to be compassionate with yourself and allow yourself to feel what you are feeling.
1. Shock
Being cheated on is not fun, obviously. There’s a reason you decided to trust this person who violated your trust.
At first, you might feel numb from the shock of being cheated on — or enraged with shock. This is complete and total devastating news to learn.
The best thing you can do yourself when you’re in a state of shock is to take some time for yourself. Consult a therapist or talk to close family and friends about what went down. You deserve to get all of your anger out to those who know and love you.
2. Denial
First comes shock, then comes denial. Although destructive in large doses, denial is a strategy to help you cope with being cheated on.
In this stage, you might say things like “this is just a mistake” or “this will all be over tomorrow.”
Rather than addressing your emotions head-on, you convince yourself that whatever is happening, isn’t.
This allows you to numb the pain a little.
3. Obsession
Ah, the pitfalls of obsession. Finding it hard to focus on anything besides infidelity.
At first, you tried to emotionally detach yourself from the situation, now you can’t rid your mind of it.
There are many different ways to be obsessed. You can be obsessed with rage, or obsessed with shame.
Remember that it takes a lot for a person to change. People can change, but it has to come from within.
When you start to notice that you’re getting a little obsessive over this affair, distract yourself. Practice mindfulness, read a book, or go on a walk with a friend.
Don’t be so hard on yourself, however. It’s only natural that this is consuming your life. Infidelity is a huge betrayal, and you’re just finding ways to cope.
4. Anger
Rage against the machine! Rage against the person who cheated on you! Rage against the world and everything that is wrong with it.
Once you’ve finally accepted the situation for what it is, the anger will definitely come out.
Anger is a beautiful emotion — within reason, of course. When you’ve been messed with, it can make you feel empowered and justified.
You deserve to feel empowered and justified! Anger is only natural, especially if your trust has been violated.
Make sure you get it out in healthy and productive ways. If you’re not sure what that looks like, consult a therapist.
5. Bargaining
Don’t get this mixed up with bargaining for clothes at the flea market.
Bargaining is a way to postpone your sadness by asking “what if” questions.
“What if I overreacted?” you might ask yourself. “If I tried to listen more, maybe we could fall in love again.”
Questioning whether or not you’ve been fair, justified, or reasonable is only natural.
The loss of a relationship, especially in the context of infidelity, can feel like an emotional roller coaster.
Again, consult a therapist about all of your “what if” questions. A professional will be able to adjust the framework of your mind and encourage you to be kind and patient with yourself.
6. Depression
Moving through your sadness can help you heal, no matter how painful it feels. Don’t forget that healing is usually hurtful too.
Each day gets harder and harder. Life seems hopeless, meaningless even. You just don’t feel like yourself, and the people who love you are starting to notice it too.
This stage can occur simultaneously with any of the other stages. Perhaps, this is what makes it so unbearable.
7. Acceptance
Acceptance is not the absence of distress. One can reach this final stage and still feel emotional or traumatized.
Acceptance means that you are actively noticing what you’re fighting against and admitting your desire to fight it.
It is telling yourself that reality is what it is, while still acknowledging that your emotions are there.
Instead, acceptance allows you to redirect your emotions in a constructive way. It forces you to be in the room with yourself and your emotions.
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Izzy Casey is a writer who covers pop culture, entertainment, and news for YourTango.