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She’s busting the myths about polyamory.
By Alice Kelly — Written on Apr 29, 2021
Willow Smith talked about being polyamorous on the latest episode of “Red Table Talk” — and she’s challenging some of the most common misconceptions about the topic.
Explaining what it means to be polyamorous to her mom, Jada Pinkett-Smith, and “Gammy,” Adrienne Banfield-Norris, Smith opened up about her personal experience with non-monogamy.
“In my friend group, I'm the only polyamorous person and I have the least sex out of all of my friends," she revealed, busting a common myth that polyamory is a label used by people who just want to sleep around without making a commitment to any of their partners (though if anyone does choose to do that, that’s cool too!).
Speaking candidly, Willow Smith highlighted that there is no rigid way to be polyamorous.
In fact, for many, the whole point of this romantic style is to step outside of the restrictive nature of traditional monogamy.
"With polyamory, I feel like the main foundation is the freedom to be able to create a relationship style that works for you," Smith said.
Smith was joined by a diverse cast of guests who opened up about their experiences of polyamory, breaking down some of the most common myths and perceptions about this lifestyle.
Polyamory is the practice of, or openness to, engage in multiple romantic relationships with the consent of all parties involved.
We spoke to Leon Feingold, a poly advice columnist, co-founder of Open Love NY and presenter of the first full TEDx Talk on polyamory, who shared what people get wrong about polyamory.
Feingold tells us that polyamory pays respect to traditional relationships but exists outside the standards they create.
“Polyamory simply acknowledges and removes these external social mandates, empowering people to connect honestly and openly with others naturally in whatever ways make sense for them, and to evolve those connections as the people within them change.”
Polyamorous relationships look different from person to person, and the “Red Table Talk” conversation was a testament to that.
Smith previously talked about being a polyamorous bisexual, saying, "I love men and women equally, and so I would definitely want one man, one woman. I feel like I could be polyfidelitous with those two people."
But one might also opt for solo polyamory, i.e, having multiple relationships but never becoming entwined with one person, or choose to define relationships in their own terms.
Monogamy isn’t for everyone.
Smith pointed out that monogamy simply does not work for some people, even if they don’t realize it themselves.
Smith argued that the main reasons for divorce are infidelity and lack of commitment.
"Most people are practicing monogamy because they feel they have no other choice. We all know that most people out here do unethical non-monogamy any damn way," Pinkett-Smith added.
Having more clarity and honesty about your intentions within a relationship, and being open about your desire to pursue connections with other people could be the remedy to many failing monogamous relationships.
As Feingold tells us, it is a natural human instinct to want to connect with multiple people across a lifetime.
“It's only society, based upon religious, traditional, and archaic cultural influences, which tells us that sexual, romantic, life partnership, and other intimate connections ‘should’ be exclusive to a single person, or at least one at a time, even if that's not our nature or desire,” he said.
Willow Smith is seeking to shut down common stereotypes of polyamory.
Smith’s point about having less sex than her monogamous friends might surprise many who come to the topic of polyamory with prejudices.
As a bisexual woman, Smith has likely heard all the usual stereotypes about bi women being “easy.” Polyamory adds another avenue for others to shame her for her sexuality.
But Smith points out that many, like her, come to polyamory through a “nonsexual lens.”
In 2019 she said, “I’m not the kind of person that is constantly looking for new sexual experiences. I focus a lot on the emotional connection.”
Polyamory brings all the goodness of traditional relationships but offers a little bit more wiggle room on some of the more rigid rules.
“Polyamory is not swinging, orgies, BDSM, or indiscriminate sex — but there's nothing wrong with any of those scenarios between consenting adults. It needn't even include sex at all,” Feingold tells us.
These extras are all down to personal preference which is a concept that polyamory doesn’t seek to define. As Feingold concludes,
“Whether polyamorous relationships involve or restrict any combination of sex, affection, romance, or anything else imaginable, is solely up to the people involved.”
Alice Kelly is a writer living in Brooklyn, New York. Catch her covering all things social justice, news, and entertainment. Keep up with her Twitter for more.