5 Things You Learn When You Date Someone Who Is Transgender

You'll end up learning a lot about yourself.

5 Things You Learn When You Date Someone Who Is Transgender Getty

By Una Holland

Trans people just get it.

We have our own special brands of trauma caused by the binary, oppressing society we all live in, but our experiences make us stronger partners. We have the best memes, the best sex, and the most unique ways of communication.

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When you date a transgender person, you’re sure to learn a lot, especially these five things:


1. Better word choice and communication

Trans folks have a different gender vocabulary, which may depend on their personal pronouns and sexual preferences.

Transmasculine folks might call their genitals a “bussy” or “bonus hole” and get “pegged,” while transfeminine folks may prefer the terms “girl d***” or “strapless.” Of course, it depends on the person and their preference. The possibilities are endless.

They also may communicate that they prefer that certain articles of clothing, like binders, stay on during sex. And you’ll also learn what not to say, from commenting on a trans person’s height to using words like “sis,” “queen,” “boi,” and “dude” that may provoke dysphoria.


You’ll definitely become a more mindful communicator! 

2. Enthusiastic and loving affirmations and nicknames

Transgender folks are definitely fetishized — just look at all of the “she-male” videos on adult websites. Because they live in a world that fetishizes them, they have trouble speaking out about their sexual and romantic lives, especially mushy “pet names.”

When you love a trans person, you’ll find a treasure trove of loving phrases, affirmations, and nicknames that suit your partner. 

3. Lots of kinks

When dating trans folks, you’ll quickly learn that anal sex is the ultimate equalizer. After all, everyone has a butthole, so use yours, too!


During sex, remember to have lube on hand and check-in with your partner often. Someone who’s suppressing their testosterone may have trouble with erections and, similarly, someone who’s suppressing their estrogen may have dryness or atrophy.

There are also so many ways to have fun besides penetration — experiment and find your kinks!

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4. Being trans is about more than surgeries and hormones

Many people ask trans folks questions like, “Did you get the surgery?” and, “Are you fully transitioned yet?”

As a trans person’s partner, you’ll see that being transgender is about much more than the hormones and surgeries you’ve heard about. It’s their body and choice, and some folks might even choose not to take part in either of those things.


They will take their time to come out to you about their gender identity, expression, and sexuality. 

5. There’s comfort in fluidity

If you’re a cisgender person who hasn’t thought about being anything but heterosexual, you might wonder if your sexuality changes when you date a trans person.

If you’re a straight man dating a trans woman, you’re not gay — she’s a woman.

If you’re lesbian and date a trans woman, you’re still a lesbian.

If you’re a gay man and interested in a trans man, you’re still gay.


Don’t think about sexuality too much; just enjoy who you enjoy. Find comfort in that ambiguity.

When you date a trans person, you’ll learn a lot about yourself, the LGBTQ+ community, and strong allyship. Being with a transgender person is the best — we have so much to teach and so much love to give!

RELATED: I'm A Straight Man In Love With A Transgender Woman

Una Holland is a writer who focuses on relationships, gender, and sexuality. For more of their gender and sexuality content, visit their author profile on Unwritten.