Love, Heartbreak

To The Boy I Could Never Tell How Much I Loved Him

Photo: Mak Mozza via Unsplash
Why Saying I Love You Can Be Difficult When You Have A Fear Of Rejection

By Victoria Kushner

There’s something I have to get off of my chest.

And I’m scared to do it. I don’t know how to say it.

But I have to try, because watching you in class and seeing you in the halls is killing me.

Do you remember that one night last summer when you asked me if I loved you?

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You probably don’t and I’m convinced that you were half-kidding.

But, your question deserves to be answered truthfully - even if I’m a little late, because I do love you.

When I read your question, my mind went straight into panic mode.

I’m not someone who expresses their affection often, so it is a foreign concept to me.

At this moment, however, my thoughts were screaming.

I kept repeating to myself, “Tell him. Tell him you love him…”

But, I couldn’t do it. My whole body was paralyzed, but my mind was on fire.

I wanted to tell you everything.

The simple fact is that I’ve been in love with you from the minute that we met.

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My fingers didn’t type ‘yes,’ though. My mind was begging me to confess, but the only word I could form was ‘no’.

I regretted it the second that I sent it.

I genuinely felt my heart sink into my toes. It was a lie. And I know why I’ve said it.

I’m just as scared of rejection as you are of commitment.

Neither of us could actually handle the truth.

So, I held it all in - for both of our sakes.

Your reaction was strange. It was almost like you did a complete 360.

One minute, you were telling me how great I am and how much you wanted me, but the next, you were done.

I didn’t understand. I thought there was something wrong with me.

Your messages became rarer and rarer until they stopped completely.

One day, you were my world, but the next, you were a total stranger.

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My heart broke.

It had only been a couple of weeks, but I felt myself falling apart.

So, I did what every oblivious girl does - I tried to replace you.

However, I found myself comparing every guy to you and none of them measured up.

How could they? It was an unrealistic expectation.

I was back to square one - heartbroken and missing you.

When school started, I only felt worse.

Seeing your face every day and knowing that I couldn’t have you has been torture.

I don’t know how to pull myself together when I watch you talk to other girls. I should be your girl.

So, I just don’t know how to cope with this.

You’d think I would have some practice after being on the receiving end of many of your mood swings, but it never gets easier.

I know it’s been a while and you probably don’t care, but I can’t go another day not saying it.

Yes. I love you. I did then and I still do now.

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Victoria Kushner is a writer who focuses on love, relationships, and dating. For more of her love content, visit her author profile on Unwritten.

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This article was originally published at Unwritten. Reprinted with permission from the author.