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The ultimate objective is to build thoughtful closeness.
By Christie Alexander — Written on Jan 30, 2019
When I look at all of the articles on the 5 love languages, there is a simple concept I always find to be missing, and so here I am…writing it!
How do you build love with a partner that is a combination of physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation?
The hardest part of dating me is my strong desire for physical touch followed by a need for quality time and words of affirmation.
Woof — tall order, right?
According to this test, I need all the touch, all the time, and all the words. My partner will tell you this is no easy feat to overcome (and he is right), yet somehow he makes it look easy.
To someone not knowledgeable on language hierarchy, at times it can feel demanding, but the reality is that it shouldn’t. The 5 Love Language Tool is useful information — think of it as a map to your partner’s value set.
Here is why physical touch doesn’t have to be so challenging to non-dominant physical touch partners…
The secret is that the frequency doesn’t have to be high.
Let me say that again…Frequency doesn’t have to be high.
Touch is a lot about the partner using love in purposeful moments to connect via physical interaction. Watch out when I say physical…I don’t mean it is about being grabby. Reaching out without meaning or context can still feel invasive, if not followed with words or supporting languages.
And for my guys (or women in their masculine state)…
The answer isn’t just sex. Honestly, sex isn’t even the biggest factor, it’s the time spent connecting between acts.
My personal desire for gifts or acts of service is minimal which makes sense now. However, in my earlier years, this was confusing as partners gave luxurious gifts which did little to attract me. Sometimes the gifts just pushed me away, I felt like a thing, not a person and this left my partner feeling very confused. Mostly, consumption of material things does the opposite of cultivating the love for me. So I have to be mindful of the thought put into it or the words surrounding the gift now as I receive material things.
What the world doesn’t tell people that love someone with physical touch combined with words of affirmation…
Words on a letter, stuffed in a shoe are worth millions of dollars, and a hug to follow that letter is worth trillions more.
So how do you build closeness with someone who places very little emphasis on acts of service or gifts?
1. Small touches carry big weight.
Think about trying a light kiss to wake us, the grabbing of our hand as we walk down the street, touching the small of our back in a crowded room. Touching us is a nonverbal way of saying to your partner, “I see you, even in a crowded room.”
2. Speak up.
When you enjoy something we do whether it’s how we brush our hair or the way we make you breakfast, the feedback in words supports the aspects of touch as positive reinforcement. Words allow touch to linger beyond the time you may expect.
3. Quality always over quantity.
If you want to impress us, plan out a moment or trip or dinner. The time spent speaking, doing, and touching combined, is like an unlimited inventory of love for us. Ultimately, physical touch lover’s store up energy for when you can’t be around.
While no two people love the same way, the best measure to determine what works for your partner is simply by asking:
How do you receive X action based on your love language hierarchy?
Closeness is not one dimensional and touch alone cannot solve a relationship. There is a combination of the languages that must be thoughtfully leveraged to build a deep and intentional closeness with our partner. The same applies to other languages, we must know how to speak love into existence.
So, next time you touch or give or do or say…think about cultivating closeness, not just a conducting a “transaction” in a love language. Mindful love is the new long-term love…and I do not see it going anywhere.
Christie Alexander is a writer who explores love, human interaction, social norms, and how we experience change. Follow her on Twitter and read more of her writing on Medium.
This article was originally published at Medium. Reprinted with permission from the author.