Love, Heartbreak

5 Myths About The Other Woman (That Wives Always Tell Themselves)

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being the other woman

Discovering that your husband has cheated can be one of the most devastating moments in your life. Finding out that you have been basically living a lie can come as an overwhelming shock.

Between deciphering the truth from the lies, and seeing all the signs that you missed, you feel like nothing short of a fool. Not to mention you feel compared to this other woman, who, in your mind, has almost developed superpowers.

This is where you need to gain some clarity and insight to see her for who she truly is and what it's like being the other woman. But along with that, it's important to bust a few myths you may have been fed:

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1. She must be amazing.

Let’s face it: this woman’s moral compass doesn’t exactly point north if she is actively involved with a married man. Worse yet, one with a family. This shows a very self-seeking disposition. So, basically, short of committing murder, you probably can’t top her own special brand of selfishness.

Honestly, anyone who can eagerly go after someone else’s man is nothing short of evil. You need to realize that although you have a certain responsibility for the decline of your relationship, you are nothing like this woman. You may have failed to meet your husband’s needs but you are not someone who would steal what doesn't belong to you. So why are you putting someone like her up on an invisible pedestal?

Even if she had no idea who you were, there is still a matter of what is morally right and morally wrong. She isn’t a four-year-old stealing a cookie from the cookie jar. She is trying to take another woman’s husband, life, and willingly destroying a family. Something that she would not tolerate or accept if your roles were reversed.

My favorite cop-out is when the other woman professes her innocence by saying, “Well, if it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else.” While that may be true, it also speaks volumes about who she is. The fact that it wasn’t “someone else” pretty much tells you everything you need to know about her.

That level of selfishness is unparalleled. Not only is she a borderline narcissist but she has very little regard for her fellow human beings and the sisterhood of women.

2. He's in love with her.

He is not in love, he is under the influence. An affair is often compared to a drug addiction. He is filled with lots of chemicals that are not allowing your husband to think coherently. The secrecy and the fantasy of this elicit relationship create a perfect storm of illusion and fiction.

She isn’t any better than you, he is just seeing her through a fog. What draws him to her isn’t that she is in any way better than you, it’s that he has a chemical dependency on her. It is an addiction and he is looking for another hit the way a drug addict would or another drink like an alcoholic.

Once he has been separated from her for a while, he will begin to think more clearly and he won’t feel the same intense need for her. What he saw in her during the affair was fueled by hormones, and once those hormones have dried up, he sees the real person. He will begin to come back down to Earth and most likely will begin to see her flaws that he ignored before.

3. She's more compatible and must have something special to offer.

When your husband decided to cheat, it was most likely because some or most of his needs were not being met. The day-to-day routine of life can be a death sentence for any relationship, especially if the couple goes from being lovers to roommates and co-parents.

The other woman isn’t more attractive or better in bed, she simply was meeting a need that you weren’t. She is only doing exactly what you did in the early days of your relationship, that over time fell by the wayside. Most likely, she admires him, makes him feel manly and sexy, and makes him feel accepted and wanted.

It is not her that he really wants, it’s how she makes him feel. She is just meeting his needs and his cravings for admiration and respect. It is very easy for him to fall prey to her if he feels like he is being starved of this at home or feels like he can’t make you happy. If he can’t seem to make you happy, he will find someone he can.

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Of course, during the honeymoon phase of his relationship with the other woman, it is easy to make her happy while he is devoting his time and attention to her. Meanwhile, the shift in his behavior and attention, as well as his pulling away, make you all the more miserable. You can combat this by just living in the moment and trying to genuinely enjoy your husband and your life.

There is nothing magical or sensational about her, she is just making him feel special. You can very easily turn everything around and save your marriage if you apply the same principles.

4. They are soulmates.

Or so she says. The good news is that while you might have a lot of work to do rebuilding your relationship, any relationship he might have with her doesn’t truly have a future. Endless statistics show that most husbands never leave their wives. However, in the rare instance that the husband does leave the wife for the other woman, the relationship between them is doomed to failure.

Something started in deceit has a very little chance of surviving. While the other woman might profess that they have this “spiritual” and “soulful” connection, it is all based on chemicals and hormones. Plain and simple, it’s a fantasy. This relationship is based on lies, deceit and hidden agendas. If it were to ever enter into the everyday life of living together, it would most likely, in due course, dissolve.

This isn’t a soulmate or true love bond, it is a bond created in duplicity and deception. It was their shared secret and the need for concealment that created the attachment, and once it has come to light, the fervor will eventually begin to fade.

5. She thinks she's better than you.

Believe it or not, she is seething with jealousy over you. You know your husband better than anyone in a way she never can. You and your husband have a shared history, perhaps children, and this creates an unshakable bond that ties you both together for life (or at least as long as your children are around).

While you are looking at her and are thinking that she must be some amazing woman because she managed to snag your man, she has been looking at you all along and wondering why she couldn’t altogether steal him from you and break your hold over him. Why won’t he just leave you? No doubt, this is probably frustrating the heck out of her.

If she has tried to get your husband to leave you, you can bet that she has tried to poison your husband against you by exaggerating your personality flaws, and telling him you don’t appreciate him the way she would. She sees you as the evil shrew keeping her from her happy ending, holding your husband hostage. She knows deep down inside that he loved you and probably still does.

You still share a life with him, a bed, children and she knows her hold on him is very tentative at best. That alone makes her crazy with jealousy. While she might not have any respect for the institution of marriage, she is more than aware of the validity of it. Her relationship with him constantly stands on an extremely fragile and crumbling foundation and the threat of it ending at any time is constantly hanging over her head.

As much as she lies to herself, she knows that this clandestine relationship is undoubtedly temporary and that creates a desperateness in her that makes her positively hate you. She is worried, and rightly so, that most of the things your husband told her were just to keep her complacent and from blowing his cover. Especially now if everything has come out, and he is still with you. She is questioning everything and coming up short.

You might feel like you are falling apart inside, but take solace in the fact that you are a good and decent person. You are the better woman and you are stronger than you know.

While your marriage might be in crisis, you have a genuine opportunity to fix your marriage and make it stronger than it has ever been. Winning your husband back and having a great marriage again isn’t about showing him why the other woman is wrong for him. It is showing him that you are right for him.

RELATED: 5 Surprising Reasons The 'Other Woman' Slept With Your Man

Kimberly Crawford is the Owner of Family Adventures in New York State, a website to help families find family friendly destinations in New York State. She is also a contributor to as a concert and festival reviewer.  

This article was originally published at Vocal.Media. Reprinted with permission from the author.