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She regrets not reporting her abuser.
By Sarah Gangraw — Written on Sep 18, 2018
Lily Allen recently detailed her alleged sexual assault by an unnamed music producer in her upcoming memoir.
Although the 33-year-old singer has spoken about these stages of her life before, she goes into detail about her traumatic sexual assault she claims she suffered at the hands of an unnamed man, whom she refers to as "Record Industry Executive" because her publisher's lawyer would not let her name him.
The book titled My Thoughts Exactly is scheduled to be published Sept. 20 but Allen spoke with The Guardian about her experience in an industry "rife with sexual abuse" prior to its release. She explained that despite the #MeToo movement, the music industry is “a potent mix of sex, youth and availability” that “allows and sometimes even endorses toxic behaviour by men towards women."
Allen met the "Record Industry Executive" in 2015 for legal reasons. He wanted to help her get clean, she said, but got her drunk off tequila instead, she told The Guardian. When she didn't remember what happened in the morning, she shrugged it off and met with the anonymous man again. This time, she got "smashed" on alcohol and woke up to the man trying to have sex with while she slept.
“I woke up at 5am because I could feel someone next to me pressing their naked body against my back," she said. "I was naked, too. I could feel someone trying to put their penis inside my vagina and slapping my arse as if I were a stripper in a club. I moved away as quickly as possible and jumped out of the bed, full of alarm … I found my clothes quickly … and ran out of his room and into my own.”
But Allen blamed herself for the assault. She blamed herself because she was drunk and didn't report the "Record Industry Executive" out of fear of being labeled "hysterical." Plus, he had much more power than her in the industry and she felt there was no point.
“If things went down, I told myself, he’d win," she said, adding that she didn't think attempted rape was something that would be taken seriously. “What was the crime? Record industry executive didn’t rape me. Was I supposed to report someone trying it on? (Answer: yes.)”
The "Trigger Bang" singer admitted that she regrets not reporting her abuser.
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“I expected him not to take advantage of my weakness,” she writes. “I felt betrayed. I felt shame. I felt anger. I felt confused.”
When she got back to London, Allen met with a lawyer and explained everything before signing an affidavit.
“I wanted it on record that I’d been sexually abused by someone I worked with," she said.
In her book, Allen recalls a previous encounter with a man while trying to get a record deal for her first album "Alright, Still." She wrote that although she had consensual sex with the older man, he made it seem as though he was doing her a favor.
“It was consensual, sure," she wrote. "It’s just that he had all the power and I had none. It’s just that I was young and he wasn’t. It’s just that I was looking for help and he acted as if he was doing me a favour.”
Allen also opened up about the loss of her child, addiction, and infidelity, which is documented in her book.
"I'm strong. I can be tough. I've been broken. I'm opinionated. I'm a people-pleaser. I'm spoilt. I'm needy. I contradict myself. I try to do good. I want to do good. I'm impassioned. I'm observant. Most importantly, I tell the truth. And this is my story," the book's description reads.
Allen hopes her daughters and young women will stand up against sexual abuse and not be afraid to speak out.
“Let’s try and teach our daughters to be stronger and more resilient, better at being less grateful, more insistent on being taken seriously, louder at saying no," she said.
Sarah Gangraw is a travel-addicted cat lady who lives on black coffee and cheese. She has a degree in journalism and writes about all things news, entertainment and crime. You can follow her on Instagram and Twitter — she's occasionally funny.