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You need to do a little work on yourself to make the partnership successful.
By Sylvia Salow — Written on Aug 10, 2018
Other people are mirrors of our own beliefs and patterns. When we’re unwilling to see own reflection in the other person, the relationship becomes painful. To make a relationship work, above all, you need to work on yourself.
Sure enough, you also need to be crystal clear on what kind of person you want to be with and set your standards. Once you’ve met someone you love (and who meets your standards and values), then it’s mostly an inside job. Just like anything else in life.
Not every relationship is meant to last. Regardless of how long you stay together, you can enjoy the experience and use it as one of the greatest tools to grow faster. Each relationship is meant to teach us valuable lessons about ourselves.
Not all the lessons are joyful and easy. But all are important.
6 key principles for how to to make a relationship work:
1. Love yourself first.
I’m sorry to disappoint you, but if you don’t love yourself, your partner can’t help you with that. On the contrary, they’ll reflect your lack of self-love and self-confidence back to you.
Many people go into relationships for the wrong reasons. They feel lonely, and they want someone to appreciate them because they don’t appreciate themselves. But as long as you want your partner to make you feel good about yourself, you push them away, and you’re even further from loving yourself. The other person IS NEVER the source of your happiness and love. You have to find it within yourself regardless if you’re in a relationship or not.
This might be a harsh lesson, but it also gives you inner freedom. If you want to make a relationship work then focus on being the source of love for yourself first. If you don’t love yourself, you cannot expect that someone else could love you completely. It just doesn’t work this way. You only attract people who reflect back to you where you stand energetically.
2. Don’t lose yourself in the partner.
When we find a partner, we feel so happy that it’s very easy to forget about what we want and need. We might compromise who we are to spend more time with them. Longer into the relationship, we get used to doing things together. It makes sense. Everyone has been there.
But this is so dangerous for any relationship. When we let go of our hobbies, goals, and friends so we can spend more time together, we make the relationship co-dependent. And this will never work and last. It’s vital to keep working on your dreams and to have the “ME time.” The ME time is your space when you do what YOU love. While doing what you love you recharge your batteries, and then you feel happier and share this happiness with your mate. Therefore, it’s crucial for both of you.
This is especially true for women. I have a saying: An unhappy woman means an unhappy relationship and family. Thus it’s not helping anyone when you’re all the time available and forget about the things that make your heart sing. Remember that a great relationship starts with you.
3. Take ownership of your own mess.
Everyone has different experiences and beliefs. We carry our baggage of unhealed issues anywhere we go. But somehow, strangely, many of us expect that once we’re in a relationship, we can hand over our baggage to the other person, and they’ll help us carry it. So we blame the other person when things don’t go our way, or we don’t feel good.
But the other person IS NOT the source of your issues. Yes, they trigger them, and sometimes very well, but they only mirror back to you any unhealed wounds so you can release them. We’ve all received some negative treatment from family, school, society, ex-partners, etc. But the pain doesn’t disappear by itself because it’s a stuck energy in your system that you have to let go consciously. Otherwise, it stays there and keeps attracting similar painful moments until you choose to heal it.
4. Be like an open book.
Although there are many tips on how to stay mysterious and keep the attraction, if you want to create a lasting relationship build on trust, then forget them. Another killer of relationships is assumptions. When you don’t communicate precisely what you want, think and need, your partner will assume what it is. And that leads to misunderstandings. The same is true vice versa. If they don’t tell you exactly how things are then your mind naturally goes into some negative scenarios.
Good communication is vital. Always say what you exactly want and feel. Even if you don’t know. When you feel bad without any apparent reason, instead of replying “nothing” when your partner asks how you are, say; “I feel bad, but I’m unsure why. This feeling started a couple of days ago, but it has nothing to do with us. Please, give me some time to figure it out.” This is more precise than saying just “nothing” even if you aren’t sure yourself what is going on.
5. Don’t try to own them.
Your partner doesn’t belong to you. Even if you’ve been together for 30 years. No one belongs to us. The truth is that we were born alone and we’re going to leave this world alone. Thus the only person you’ll ever be with, all the time, is you. Your partner also has own hobbies and dreams. And, as well as you, they should also follow their heart and do what they love. Any (hidden or not) control is like a poison for both of you.
We all have free will, and it means that not everyone will always act as you wish. If they cross the line of your standards, then you have to think if you’re willing to continue but don’t try to imprison them before it happens. Because otherwise, they’ll run away.
6. Support them.
Be the biggest cheerleader for your partner. When they’re happy, your relationship will be more at ease and mutually supportive. I don’t know anything worse than a person burying their dreams and then looking back at some point feeling depressed that they didn’t do what they wanted.
If you love your partner, then you want them to do whatever makes them happy and create a supportive environment. The bonus part is that when they work on their dreams, it’s a time for you also to do what you love.
Sylvia Salow is an author, public speaker, and a life coach encouraging people to grow into their potential by moving past any fears and mind limitations so they can create life which they deeply desire. She is an author inspiring people to follow their inner call. You can join her FREE Monthly Challenges here. You can watch her TEDx talk on How to Find Your Life Purpose here.
This article was originally published at Sylvia Salow. Reprinted with permission from the author.