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Stop forcing it.
By The Good Men Project — Written on Jan 26, 2023
If you have followed me at all before, you more than likely know my shifty backstory.
What you may not know is that, despite my philandering, no-good cheating ways, I’ve always been entrenched in what most would call a serious relationship. When I think back on each of these botched attempts at union, I would have said, without a doubt, “ah, yes, mate, she’s the one!”
Think back to yourself. Picture all their faces. How many times have you been in love? Or better yet, how many times have you thought you were in love?
On my end, these were long-term relationships, like 2 or 3 years, and, in one instance, 5 years. I’ll spare the granular details of all these past relationships, but what I think might be worth your time to be hearing about that 5-year one. My close call. I’m guessing you’ll learn a great deal from this, just as I did, as this happened to be the exact relationship where I made a decision to figure out what was really going on with me. In the head.
I asked this question: Joe, are you truly happy in your relationship, or are you just putting up with it?
That question was aimed to help me see myself as I really was.
A man’s mind can play tricks on him. Convince him that where he’s at is where he wants to be, especially if it isn’t. You could be like, yup, I’m happy, but because you said this inside your head, and not out loud, it loses the power to make or break reality. Because, well, we’re as manly as a Viking warlord, and the captain of our own ship, we seldom question the first thing that comes to mind with any question, let alone relationship stuff.
When I answered this question out loud, hearing made it easier to hear the deception in my voice when I answered yes, and then, by comparison, hearing the truth reverberate when I said something different, louder.
Try it. Read the question again and say your answers out loud, so you can hear your own voice. It’ll seem dumb at first, like talking to yourself in the mirror. You’ll feel like a positive psychology nutjob. Ignore that.
Not convinced? Then supersize the question. Add some torque to it so you can really feel the implications of where you’re at: Can you see yourself marrying your current partner and being with her for the long term, raising a family, and growing old together, knowing she’ll be the only woman you’ll have sex with the rest of your life?
I hesitated. And hesitated and mumbled something along the lines of, “I don’t see myself having children or even being tied down to anyone.” To be honest, I still had my father’s beliefs and negative patterns running when it came to trusting and settling down with one woman, but the “I don’t see myself having children” part I’m not sure.
Maybe it was a fear of how I didn’t know, from experience, how to be a good father (I didn’t necessarily have the best role model). Or it might have just been that I didn’t think the girl I was with at the time had the qualities, characteristics, and ability to be the mother and wife I would want around if I did have children and a family.
I was asked those questions about 3 years into my 5-year relationship. The clues of an unhappy relationship were always there, but, for whatever reason, I wasn’t aware of them. I had convinced myself everything was “normal” and as it should be.
So, I’ve come up with the 11 signs you're in the wrong relationship. If these are to be helpful in any way, you must, of course, accept that you are the only person responsible for your relationship and, as such, you are the only person who can get you out.
So when you read the 11 signs, have the courage to see yourself as you really are, so that you can find out what is wrong and how you can correct it. And something must be at least a wee bit off with your current ways, or you wouldn’t still be reading this.
If you feel these 11 things, you're wasting time in the wrong relationship:
1. You rarely initiate sex but easily fantasize about other people (past sexual encounters).
To anyone else, your partner would be seen as sexually attractive, but she is not getting your mojo working anymore. Often, you talk yourself out of this truth when other people pay her compliments. It’s a lame reason to stay with her, but at this point, you’re hanging on to anything you can.
1. On occasion, you are more than fantasizing about people
Hate the player and hate the game. You are out there, stringing other girls along, having one-night stands, texting, sexting, meeting for coffee, anything. Your radar is always on, searching for something new or better.
2. You always choose a night out with friends over a night in with your partner
A night out with the lads every time. The lads aren’t really that important to you. But you’ll do anything to avoid spending a night in with her.
3. You are quick to justify why you haven’t married or had children yet
You know the real reasons why you haven’t but have somehow created convincing stories as to why you haven’t.
If I had the money I would…
We’re not yet ready…
My business is still growing…
We can’t afford our own house yet to bring up a family…
We will… one day …
Etc.
4. You check their phone
This shows how much distance actually exists in your relationship. And if I’m honest, I only ever felt the need to check my partner's phone when it was me who was up to something. Really, I was looking for “evidence” on her phone to justify leaving her. This is what cheats and cowards do.
5. You feel bad or sad for your partner
The hero. If I leave, who will take care of her? When I said this to my coach, he shot me down straight away with this reply: You didn’t feel bad when you were texting that other girl, and what about the other night when you got in a 6 am after being with that girl from the strip club?
It was guilt more than anything. The guilt of overpromising, and underdelivering.
6. You can’t imagine your partner with another person
If you are still only in a relationship because you can’t bear the thought of her being with someone else, then you totally don’t have your stuff together.
7. You threaten to leave a lot
Man, if someone kept doing this you’d think they'd leave you, right? It doesn’t happen, do you know why? Because your partner is just as defective as you are. She must be if she chose you in this weakest version of you.
8. You have your own plans and dream which are separate from those of your partner
You have no desire to share your dreams and plans. If anything, she is seen as an extra burden.
9. You are emotionally and verbally abusive
You act out. You misbehave. You argue and argue, where before you wouldn’t have. This is a sign that you lack respect and love for your partner.
10. You're financially dependent on your partner
She helps pay the bills each month. She helps you out in times of need, and you don’t know how you will survive without her.
This is dumb. Man up. Make more money. Or spend less. Remove the excuse, and see the truth.
11. You compare your relationship to others
On occasion, you try your best to convince yourself that she is the right one. Because there are so many other relationships that are way worse than yours.
That’s just the thing. You might feel that you have it good but you are comparing yourself to the wrong relationship and men.
So, again, are you truly happy in your relationship?
Though this post may seem jaded, I am forever grateful to my exes because they taught me a lot about myself and, more importantly, what I was actually looking for in a partner and, ultimately, myself. It was no easy ride. I had a lot of baggage to deal with.
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This article was originally published at Good Men Project. Reprinted with permission from the author.