I Was Engaged To A Narcissist — Here's My Advice To The Woman Who Took My Place

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How To Deal With A Narcissist — Advice For His New Girlfriend

I was engaged to a narcissist. I didn’t know it at first, as is usually the case, because I was so overwhelmed by the intensity of it all. With my rose-colored glasses on, I ignored the red flags, looked past the dismissals, sympathized with the manic outbursts, and said "yes" to the proposal.

Ultimately, and fortunately for me, the relationship crashed and burned once I learned how to deal with a narcissist and realized the situation was toxic.

RELATED: Breaking Up With A Narcissist Is Hard, But These 8 Steps Will Help

He graciously waited a full 24 hours after moving out to become "Facebook official" with his new girlfriend, and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. After a few months of reflection and research, I decided to write her a letter — not to be sent, but more of a personal cleansing exercise.

However, after the encouragement of my friends, family and therapist, I decided to make it public. Even if it doesn’t get to her, perhaps it can help other women in similar situations. 

Dear New Girl, 

I wanted to share some advice for how to deal with a narcissist so you can have a long-term relationship with my ex-fiancé. Or, perhaps, I’m reaching out as a warning from a woman who has been there before. I’ll let you decide for yourself. Here's what you need to know.

1. In the beginning, he will overwhelm you with attention, gifts, and affection.

You’ll feel like you’re in a fairy tale, that you’ve finally found someone that treats you well. You'll tell all your friends and family. But beware: This tactic is called "love bombing" and is only used to get you hooked on him.

This is not who he is, but you will cling to this fantasy desperately and become a pathetic version of yourself trying to get your relationship back to this point. It will never happen. Just keep that in mind so you don’t get too disappointed when it all goes downhill.

2. Sharing any information about yourself makes you vulnerable.

Nothing about your past relationships, fears or insecurities. While this can be an exercise in bonding in a healthy relationship, he's gathering information to be used as ammo in the future. He remembers everything, and will turn what you say into a dagger only to be delivered when it'll hurt you the most. 

3. He will tell you he’s done with you.

This will come as a complete shock to you, as things will seem to be going well. It’s early on in the relationship, after all.

This is a test. If you leave him (which, in retrospect, I highly recommend), then that’s that. However, if you decide to forgive him, he has determined that he has power over you and you are weak. He will only continue to devalue you — and believe me, it gets worse. 

RELATED: There Are 3 Types Of Narcissists — Here's How To Spot Each One

4. He doesn’t want to get close to anyone, including you.

He paints a façade of closeness to keep you content, but he also uses this regular "breakup" threat to push you away, though we all know you aren’t going anywhere. Maybe, if you can somehow reach his increasingly unachievable expectations, you’ll get back to how it was in the beginning.

5. He’s incapable of fidelity.

He requires too much attention — more than you can provide. To maintain the relationship, you have to be okay with him cheating on you. Every time he hits the road, he’ll go out and find a new woman.

Similarly, he lies about everything — from what he had for lunch to what he did when he told you he was sleeping — and he’s really good at it. Don’t question him, though. That will only lead to explosive fights. He’ll either leave you for a few days or lock you out after a few low blows. Ignorance is bliss, right?

6. At any point in time, he will not like one of your friends.

Not all at once, but one at a time, for various reasons. So much so that he’ll refuse to hang out with them, which will leave you in a frustrating bind.

Again, don’t question him or he’ll hold it against you. He’ll also go through your phone to make sure you’re not telling your friends about any of your knock-down drag-out fights. This is not allowed. 

7. Don't let him know how you feel about this toxic relationship.

If you do, he’ll beg for you to stay, threaten suicide if you leave, and even cry... for the first time in your entire relationship. This is only to buy himself time; he knows you’re weak and... he cried, for goodness sake!

In reality, he’s trying to find someone to replace you so he can leave you first. Then you’ll find yourself writing your own letter to the next girl. Good luck.

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