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We all deserve to feel secure in our relationship.
By Ossiana Tepfenhart — Last updated on Apr 20, 2023
Having been in many relationships that were destroyed by behavior caused by insecurity, I can honestly say that insecurity is now a dealbreaker for me.
When you’re insecure, your inner voice tells you that you’re not enough, that the person you’re with is going to leave — and that can make you react in crazy ways, even if you know you should feel more confident.
I’ve seen people insecure about relationships turn abusive, cheat, or even just get super-controlling as a way to try to make themselves feel better about their “chances” with people.
You can’t really do much to make people less insecure either since that’s a “self” problem rather than an external one in most cases.
That’s why insecurity became a dealbreaker for me, and why I advise people to think twice when dating someone showing insecurity.
That being said, there are usually warning signs he's insecure about being in a relationship with you.
Here are 11 signs he's insecure about being in a relationship with you:
1. He criticizes you — a lot
I want to point out a truism that many teachers say to bullied kids at school: people who criticize and tear others down do so because they typically feel inferior to you. This is extremely true in dating and is actually the reason why so many men are cruel to women.
That being said, constant criticism is often the first sign of an abusive partner. If you see this happening, run for the hills.
2. You notice he’s a total doormat around you
Another sign of insecurity is when guys tend to “doormat” themselves and turn into people without opinions.
This isn’t only boring in a partner, it’s also a surefire way for resentment to build. They won’t tell you what they really want or even really feel until they explode in rage.
3. He insists on trying to play “alpha male”
Believe it or not, dominant men are not confident men. They are men who, for one reason or another, think that the only thing they have to offer is masculinity and cockiness.
From what I’ve seen, the more domineering a man is, the less likely it is that he will be a healthy and good partner.
There’s a reason why, too. To guys like this, you are little else but something that affirms that, yes, he’s a man. That’s it.
It’s not about you, it’s about him trying to fill a hollow hole in his heart that can never be satiated because the confidence he wants can never be obtained externally.
4. When you two go out, he constantly points out his good qualities
Yes, you know he has a BMW. He’s also told you about his volunteer work, his biceps, and also whatever else he thinks will impress you.
Guys who make a point of regularly talking about how they are a good catch often feel insecure about their position with the person they’re dating. While this may be innocuous, you have to remember that confident people don’t brag.
5. He tries to act like a “player”
You know the type. The guy who’s always boasting about the women he lays who doesn’t actually get any action.
This is a thing, and men don’t do this unless they have serious issues about their sexual confidence.
6. He’s acting a little wonky
From what I’ve seen, most guys who have insecurities do have them leak out in one way or another. They may say something about how “nice guys finish last” or start talking loudly to the point that people turn to stare.
Either way, if he’s making a total jerk of himself, it's one of the signs he's insecure about being in a relationship with you.
7. You notice he regularly puts down women
This is a more generalized thing I’ve noticed.
Many insecure men will treat their girls great (at first) but disparage women as a whole. Small, really insecure men tend to turn their fear into hate because it’s easier to get angry and hate someone else than it is to actually confront what’s making you a bad person to date.
8. He says he’s “not good enough” for you, or that he’s worried about that
Hey, at least he’s being honest.
In these cases, it’s clear that he’s at least trying to tackle what’s going on. So, perhaps after he gets better, he’ll be ready to date.
9. He seems to be having a full panic attack during the date
This has only happened to me once. The poor guy started sweating, and shaking and almost threw up his lo mein due to how nervous he was.
This is a pretty big sign that he’s not very confident about dating you, but the good news is that they tend to relax after a bit. This might be one of the only signs that his insecurity is salvageable here.
10. You feel smothered by him, and he’s getting jealous of other men around you
A common thing people who are insecure in their relationships will do is cling to that person like they’re the last lifeboat ever. They also will get very aggressive towards anyone who could even remotely be deemed a “threat.”
This is a common sign that their insecurities will turn into an abusive, codependent relationship. So, you know you need to dump them just by that alone.
11. He fishes for compliments
“I’m great, right? Tell me I’m great. I’m confident, but I need you to tell me I’m amazing.” Yeah, no. We know what that’s really about.
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Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer based out of Red Bank, New Jersey whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.