It's Not That Introverts Hate People, We Just Hate Shallow, Petty Small Talk

introverts don't like petty small talk

Introversion isn't rude, it's an energy thing.

How do you know if someone is an introvert? Sometimes people think of an introvert as a nerdy anti-social personality type who hates people. But that's untrue.

While it is true that introverts hate small talk, they don't dislike people. I ought to know. I'm an introvert. In fact, I'm an INTJ— Myers Briggs's "The Architect", Introverted, intuitive, thinking, judging personality type. I am more concerned with my internal thoughts and feelings and only use information from the world around me to gather ideas and perceptions.

While some people do this by hanging out with friends or socializing at events, I prefer books and reading, or one-on-one conversation. In fact, big social gatherings, although I have learned how to master getting through them as quickly as possible, are not my favorite place to be.

If you ask anyone who knows me (other than the people who live with me), what type of person they think I am, they will probably tell you that I'm a "people person" who loves to share ideas, exchange advice, and that I'm an easy communicator. I can crack a joke and have a point of view on literally any topic.

But they never see what happens after the party is over. They don't know that I retreat into a room with peace and quiet in desperate need of a nap. The real truth is that I'm not much a socializer, and in fact, I only talk with others when I absolutely have to.

Sadly, any kind of socializing and shallow, small talk uses up my external socializing reserve. In a matter of moments, I begin to feel like I'm wasting precious time.

When I spend time talking with you, I want it to be meaningful and soul connecting.

Make me want to talk to you more by engaging my mind. 

The more you feed my mind, the more I like you. Thinking that introverts hate people is a poor way of understanding what goes on in a mind like mine. I don't hate people. I hate listening to unthoughtful conversations that I consider to be a notch above banter.

I can get that type of chit-chat from anywhere by clicking on a television or scanning a Twitter feed.

Think of me as someone who is interested in hearing your truth, and what it is that makes you tick. When the precious time we have together is spent talking about things that might be funny for a moment, it also makes me lose respect for you since I feel like you don't value my attention.

I desperately don't want that to happen because if it does, chances are, I might not make time for you in the same way down the road.

I don't miss people who want to talk about daily issues that aren't going to revolutionize my life. If they choose to leave me alone because I'm boring or too intense, that's perfectly fine by me.

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I love being on my own and feel perfectly comfortable in my own skin. In fact, it's because I've spent so many hours evaluating my thoughts and re-evaluating how I feel that I am able to be confidently alone.

So, if and when I come across overly forward because I speak my mind with conviction, it's because I know myself well. I wish more people did, too. I often think that introverts are more at peace with themselves and perhaps that's why most of my closest friends are also introverted like me.

As a thinking introvert— I'll be the person sitting in a corner at a party (after speaking to a few select guests) intently people watching with the one person I feel close to. In fact, I can come across as guarded or unfriendly when I've socialized too much. This is why I need to leave your party early, that is if I even show up.

No, I did not regret missing your big event, in fact, the greatest thing to happen to an introvert (which is the worst for an extrovert) is to have a reason not to show up. Not because I don't love you, or because I don't care to hang out with your entire family.

I don't even like to hang out at my own family gatherings. I prefer to spend time one-on-one with you, and it's what I wish you'd ask me to do when I feel this way.

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My emotional needs require that I guard my time closely. If I don't, it can take days for me to recuperate and hear that inner voice that I need to know how to live in the world. (That's why there may be times when you call me to talk on the phone when I wasn't expecting you to, I may send you to voice mail, then answer with a quick text message instead. I don't think it's rude of me to do this because this is a need I have. It's necessary for my peace of mind.) 

In fact, introverts like me prefer conversations in written form—text messages and emails, hand written notes help us to understand what's being said to me at my own pace. Of course, when I do speak, I take over the conversation, but that's because I don't normally share in small talk.

If I talk to you, chances are what I'm saying means a lot to me, and you do, too.

For that reason, you should listen and feel honored to have my undivided attention. It means you are a person that I treasure, and you not only need to hear what I'm saying but respect our time together, too.

As an introvert, I process all information deeply so our conversation needs to interesting and important because the human experience means something to me.

Although I want to be talking to you, our time together can still be emotionally draining. It's because each little piece of information is carefully weighed, evaluated, and pondered. So if you're an extrovert who talks too much about everything that's on your mind, it makes me want to go home. 

But believe me when I say that even if I love you, chances are I still won't want to spend every waking moment with you. Just don't take my silent retreat personally. My need for time alone isn't a personal rejection.

Instead, see it as my way of protecting our relationship. Know that once I have all my energy back from spending time alone, I'll be able to give you all my attention one-on-one. 

Aria Gmitter, M.S, M.F.A, is YourTango's Horoscopes and Zodiacs Editor who writes about celestial events and astrology. You can follow her on social media.