If You Can't Choose Between Her And Me, Please Don't Choose Me

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being second choice

If there’s any span of time during which you’re trying to decide between me and another woman, please, please don’t choose me. Whatever relationship we have after this moment of yours is not going to work, and frankly, I don’t even want you anymore.

I don’t mean that to sound heartless; I’m just stating facts. Please do me a favor and set me free to find my perfect match because the man I’m looking for will know I’m the one for him without any hesitation. I will never fall victim to being the second choice.

RELATED: I Am Not A Second Option. Either Choose Me Or Lose Me.

One man’s “I’m not sure” is another man’s “I knew from the moment I saw her.” I don’t have any time or energy to spend convincing you why I’m a keeper nor do I have any desire being the second choice to someone who can’t see why I’m great.

Again, I mean all of this without malice. If we’re both being honest, we can admit that the reason you can’t see I’m perfect is because I’m not perfect for you.

It’s okay if you don’t know which of us you want more, and that you’re weighing the pros and cons of her and me to see which will be a better fit for you. You’re certainly not the first person to struggle with a love triangle scenario; stories like this are what keep the rom-com industry alive.

It’s also very possible that you’re equally in love with two people at the same time. I’m not so sheltered as to believe we all have monogamous hearts. If that’s the case, it’s something you need to figure out how you want to live with, and I respect that as part of your journey.

Unfortunately, that specific scenario just doesn't work with me in the picture.


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I can tell you right now that if we’re at this crossroads, this relationship won't work even if you choose me. I don’t want to be around after this when you’re inevitably questioning if you’ve made the right choice and you subconsciously compare me to the one you didn’t choose.

I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m constantly worried I’m not giving you what you liked about her and wondering if you have one foot out the door. At this point, no matter which one of us you decide to keep, you’ve already lost me.

Please have the kindness and humility to let me go. I deserve to know you’re struggling to make a decision. I deserve to have transparency about what factors are at play here and what I'm getting into with you.

If you have a healthy relationship that isn’t founded on secrecy or playing games, you have to put your cards on the table and grant me the autonomy to decide what I want to do with this scenario on my own terms. If you can’t make the decision to take care of my best interests, I deserve the option to choose for myself.

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That said, if you can’t find it in yourself to relinquish control over this situation and tell me what’s really going on, then — I’m begging you — please have the decency to give me a chance at real happiness with someone who doesn't have to question that I'm for him. 

RELATED: 17 Signs You're An Option, Not A Priority

Liz Pardue-Schultz is a writer and activist based in North Carolina, where she overshares her bizarre journey through mental illness, recovery, parenting, and surviving Southern suburbia on her blog or anywhere she can get published. Her words have appeared in Huffington Post, Time.com, XOJane, Ravishly, ThoughtCatalog, and one time in the Letters to the Editor section of Playboy.