If You Want A Bikini Body, Do These 12 Things IMMEDIATELY

Bear fighting optional.

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The summer is here! You know what that means, time to damn everything we've learned about cultivating a positive body image. Because it's time to get our bodies bikini ready! BIKINI BODIES! AHHHH! HOW TO GET THEM? WHY DID I EAT EVERY PIZZA? WILL I DIE ALONE? These, and other questions. 

The internet is full of places with advice on how to get the perfect bikini body. We're going to outshine them all with these killer tips to getting the bikini body of your dreams, body image be damned to the deepest bowels of hell! 


1. Ice Cream Baths

Fill your entire bathtub with ice cream. Sit in it. The cold will probably do something to your fat cells. The cream will also probably do something for your moisture levels. You will want to get out of the ice cream bath because it is so very, very cold. But you won’t. Once peak trauma has been reached, step out. You will never want to eat ice cream again. Bye bye, troublesome pounds!


2. Strategic Contouring

If they can give Robert Pattinson’s lanky ass a six pack with a little makeup, there is no reason for you not to be able to make it look like your whole body has been chiseled out of the finest marble. Exhibit: All of the Kardashians.

3. Mummification


In ancient Egypt, powerful leaders were sent on to the next life through an elaborate process of mummification. The removal of organs was followed by the wrapping of the corpse in protective bandages, allowing the body to dry into a desiccated husk. I’m guessing if you go this way you’ll easily lose twenty pounds.

4. Go On A Cleanse

Go on some sort of cleanse. Be it homemade, or one of those luxury brands favored by La Paltrow. Do it for at least a week. Your body will be flushed of any water you are retaining and a week is just long enough for someone to stab you for talking so much about your cleanse. That blood loss will definitely help with those final stubborn inches!


5. Buy A Bigger Bikini

Your body is already a bikini body. It’s your bikini that’s to blame. That sassy minx, how dare it decide to accentuate your love handles and allow your nipples to escape willy-nilly! Throw it to the curb, buy a new one -- a BIGGER ONE. Spoiler alert: Only you will know.

6. Get Game Of Thrones With It!


Hire a dour woman to follow you as you go about your day clanging a giant bell and bellowing “SHAAAAAME” every minute or so. You will not only stop eating junk, you will start to seriously reconsider all of your life choices.

7. Cut Off Your Legs


As long as you go for below the knee, there will still be plenty of curves for others to admire. Plus, with no legs, you’ve got a great and literal pick-up line should you spot any beach-dwelling hotties! “Hey, mind carrying me to the bathroom? I have no legs, but I do have an ass that won’t quit.”

8. Throw Away Your Fridge

Without a refrigerator, it is very hard to keep things like “food” from “rotting into piles of deadly mush”. 


9. Begin Doing Hardcore Drugs

When you begin doing a drug like crack or heroin things like “food” begin to not matter so much. Other things that matter not so much: how you look in a bikini. So try this one at your own peril.

10. Give Up Your Career And Take Up Playing The Accordion Professionally


You are probably a high powered lawyer or a politician. Those jobs are stressful. Stress makes us eat. Eating makes us fat, supposedly. Quit your job and begin playing the accordion on the subway. You will delight children, you will begin collecting amazing stories to share, and your boobs will look damn fly in that crocheted number you’ve eyeing.

11. Ask A Small Child To Put Pennies In All Of Your Food


Children love pennies. They love eating them, sticking them into your DVD player, or their own noses. Find a few children. Give them dozens of rolls of pennies and let them loose in your kitchen. Now all of your food has pennies in it, forcing you to eat mindfully which is the key, as we know, to weight loss success.

12. Challenge a Bear To A Fist fight


You are walking through a dark forest. It is so cold you’ve forgotten your own name, but not the fact that you’re carrying around some stubborn belly fat. In the underbrush you hear a rustling. You stop in your tracks. The rustling turns into a primal growl. A bear emerges from the greenery. “FIGHT ME, BEAR” you yell, charging forward. Now you are dead, and in heaven everyone looks good in a bikini.