Self, Heartbreak

How To Tell If You're OFFICIALLY Bitter (In 10 Super Easy Steps!)

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bitter and lonely after break up

I've been through my fair share of heartbreak at this point in my life.

Who hasn't, right?

(Well, only the lucky few who met and married the love of their lives, but whatevs, you people obviously don't belong here right now.)

As I was saying, I've been through the ringer.

Cheated on by pretty much every guy I've ever been in a relationship with. Difficult (to say the least) marriage. Brutal divorce. Threatened with revenge porn by a man I thought was the love of my life.

It's been a bit of a mess.

Through it all, I've remained hell-bent on never allowing myself to grow bitter.

"It's not ALL men. It was THOSE men."

"It wasn't a tragedy, it was a lesson. A growth opportunity, if you will."

"I'm just a badass bitch — stronger, wiser and better for it all."

Yadda yadda yadda ...

You know what? I'm fucking tired. Spent. I'm lonely and I'm ANNOYED.

Yes, I am stronger, but I've been starting to wonder — am I getting bitter?

This morning a work friend mentioned something less than flattering, though hardly serious, about her new guy. My immediate response?

Dump him.

That's right. Just moooooove along little lady. This is going nowhere good.

It was a joke (honest!), but it did give me pause to realize THAT particular joke was the one to spring to mind.

Well, I don't want to be bitter. And I don't want YOU to be bitter either, my friend. The negativity harms no one but yourself. I don't know about you, but I could use some serious self-loving right about now.

I find it insanely impressive I've made my way through so much. I AM a badass bitch and I AM strong. I love my kids. Love my job. Love so much of the life I've traveled along the way. And I know all good things will come in due time. So there's that.

In order to keep myself and the rest of the heartbroken squad in check, I've devised this nifty and super-duper scientific list of symptoms to watch for, lest the taste of sour lemons starts creeping back up.

Stay calm, stay alert, and stay strong.

If you find yourself nodding along to one or more of these warning signs, get yourself some wine, good laughs and friends for help — STAT! 

You tell everyone you know to immediately dump the person they are with.

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single and bitter

When you hear of a divorce or breakup, you simply nod to yourself in silence.

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predicting divorce

You find yourself yelling, “Yeah right!” followed up by a quiet, "Whatever," when watching romantic comedies.

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bitter after break up

The moment a friend tells you they're engaged, you roll your eyes and unfollow them on Facebook.

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facebook unfollow

When someone you know gets a boyfriend (or — rolls eyes — married), you place a bet on when they will break up or divorce.

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divorce predictors

The only person you believe when they tell you how beautiful you are is your drunk girlfriend — and only if you're drunk too.

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Your super excited pregnant friend says her guy will be a “great dad," and you're like, “Yeah, good luck with that."

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good luck

Someone tells you about the amazing, spiritual connection they have with their partner, and you throw up a little in your mouth.

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When someone hot asks for your phone number, the only thing you can think of to say is "Why?"

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You proudly answered yes to all or most of the above.

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badass or bitter