I Wanted To Be Dominated By Younger Men — So I Taught Them How

Photo: Dm_Cherry / Shutterstock
I Tried To Control My Own Bondage By Topping From The Bottom

I didn’t know what BDSM was when, as a seven-year-old girl, I first asked a family friend to spank me on the bottom. 

She was almost the same age as me, and the tool I requested her to employ was a wooden block from a recently assembled bookshelf.

She declined.

Apparently most of us recognize early on that we have interests — such as bondage, submission, and the ever-popular spanking — that may later classify us “kinky.” 

And most of us then take a circuitous road to figure out how to get our needs met.

During my own quest as a recently divorced woman on a committed "trampage," I figured out pretty quickly that, when it comes to men (my preferences with women being somewhat different), I mostly want to be dominated. (Yay!

However, what I didn’t want was to receive whipping from the saggy-jowled dudes I found hanging out in desperation at the local BDSM hotspots (Boo!)

RELATED: What It Means To Be A True Dominant (And Not Just Another Sexist Creep)

At that time, when it came to my love life, I had two interests/hobbies/priorities:

1. Being dominated.

2. Dating hot, younger guys.

Ah, the dilemma.

The men who knew how to dominate were out of my aesthetic purview, and, unlike many perfectly esteemed members of the BDSM community, for me “playing” is not something I want to separate from sex.

I wasn’t interested in undertaking a Power Exchange with someone I wasn’t at the very least attracted to, and whom I hopefully had a real connection with.

This is why “playing” is a term I kind of abhor. I wanted to “play,” but I wasn’t playing.

That’s when I came up with "Build-A-Dom"!

As a Sexual Intuitive, I have a knack for picking men who tend to be dominant and somewhat kinky.

Employing my self-created Sex Number System (TM) and intuition, I’m able to quickly suss out whether someone is going to be a match for me sexually. I've never been disappointed (except that one time, but he was a good cuddler, so no harm no foul).

I've noticed that if a guy is verging on kinky and Dominant, but has not yet fully explored these qualities in himself, I have the ability to “flip that switch” very quickly for him.

Who knew I would be so good at science? …

In terms of Power, this was a HUGE jolt.

Being able to teach a guy how to Top me by offering him my submission was tremendously satisfying, especially if the guy was younger and sexy.

Men like these were never within my grasp when I was in my teens and twenties, because I didn't yet know how to handle myself around men.

But now, sigh, as a forty-year-old MILF ... What a world!  

These young Daddies (Baby Daddies?) took to their roles well. 

I saw them flourish in sexual confidence, much as I myself was flourishing from having my senses awakened by what I (thought I had) always desired. I imagined I was being a good little sub, even if a little bratty and petulant (as can be my way).

What I didn’t realize was that by orchestrating these scenes, I was actually being a total Top, and the Power Exchange I was seeking could never really take place.

RELATED: 9 Dominant Narcissist Traits That Reveal Someone Might Have Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Let me add here that I am a somewhat tender-skinned, redheaded Jewess, so my pain threshold is not that high, but the thrill of being Dominated got me through some potentially challenging sensations — as did the fact that I NEVER REALLY LOST CONTROL.

I tried a couple of semi-public scenes at BDSM clubs and enjoyed the dopamine post-play highs, coupled with the adrenaline rush from being watched.

Yet, I started to feel a lingering emptiness, like the sensation of a phantom limb, something I could not point to but was clearly missing from these encounters. It felt like the stuff I was playing with was too sacred to be sharing with "boys" just because I was infatuated with them and/or they happened to be pretty.

I had no regrets, but I did have a surging intuition that I wanted more.

I distinctly remember the moment one particular date looked at me, and I knew none of this shit was going to fly.

As someone adept at flipping women’s switches, the way I had done to men, this guy saw I was going to be a (somewhat) more interesting customer. He wanted to be my everything, and that didn’t just mean in bed or by the torture rack.

This guy actually wanted to show up for me (huh?), and not only was I was not going to be able to Top him — unless he himself wanted to be Topped in a certain moment — but in the context of our larger relationship, he was not going to be cajoled, forced or manipulated into doing anything he didn’t want to do.

So, an actual MAN.

My new guy was a Daddy, but he wasn’t a baby, and while it took me a minute to get used to being with someone “age-appropriate,” I could now understand that the whole point of BDSM for me was not “toys” or public displays or flipping switches, but actually — wait for it — love.

The kind of love shared by two like-minded filthy individuals may be incomprehensible to most, but that's okay too. Some people can find love in toys, in public displays, or in relationships with more than two people.

For me, I had finally met my match.

A true Dominant can accept the submission offered to him while at the same time as taking what is rightfully his. Within a week of meeting the aforementioned guy, I broke up with my Build-A-Doms — not because he asked me to (he didn’t), but because it was ludicrous to be involved with people at the level of Sex Theater when I was being offered so much more.

And the relief of that surrender is unexpectedly sweet.

RELATED: What It Means To Be A True Dominant (And Not Just Another Sexist Creep)

Susanna Brisk is a writer, comic and Sexual Intuitive. She has written for Dame, Sexpert, After Party Magazine, as well as a book, “I’ll Be The Death Of Me,” which Mel Brooks praised as "funny and talented."