The Inner Dialogue Of A New Mom Every Single Night

As a new mom, you don't get much sleep. It's just a fact. Also as a new mom, you will have the mind of a crazy person. Partly because of the sleep factor, partly because you don't know what the F you're doing... but mostly because you are so damn terrified of everything.

I'm a first-time mom, and there have been many times in the past seven months when I've wished for some type of device that could record the absurd thoughts running through my head, especially at night. I do everything from bargaining with a higher power — begging for him to just let the baby sleep a little longer — to contemplating going to the gym before the first feeding, instead of back to sleep.

(I told you... crazy thoughts).

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Here's what the inner dialogue of a new mom sounds like on any given night:

9:00 PM: "I'm so exhausted. I can't wait to get some sleep."

10:30 PM: "The baby is hungry again? Already?!"

11:30 PM: "All right, kid, let's speed it up..."

11:35 PM: "He's so adorable. I love this time with him."

11:45 PM: "That should hold him over for at least a few hours. If I can get some sleep now, tomorrow I can work out, go to the grocery store and go on a nice long walk with the baby."

1:00 AM: "Already?!"

2:00 AM: "S***! I fell asleep nursing! Phew — the baby didn't fall out of my lap."

2:05 AM: "Please God, let the baby sleep until morning."

2:45 AM: [You hear the baby cough.] "What was that??" [Wait to see if he starts to cry. Nothing.] "What if he's choking? He's not choking. I'd know if he was choking."

2:46 AM: "But I forgot to burp him after he ate last. What if he's spitting up in his sleep and can't make any noises to let me know he's not OK?"

2:47 AM: "I'll never forgive myself if he's choking and I didn't check. I might as well, I'm awake anyway."

2:48 AM: [After sticking your finger under his nose to make sure he's breathing] "Oh, thank God."

3:25 AM: [Hearing a whimper on the monitor] "Please don't wake up, please don't wake up, please don't wake up."

3:28 AM: [Baby crying] "Dammit."

3:50 AM: "Please, please, please: Go the F to sleep!"

4:00 AM: "He's so beautiful and peaceful when he sleeps. I'll just rock him a few more minutes..."

4:10 AM: [Back in bed] "I'm so tired." [Baby cries]

4:11 AM: Sigh.

4:15 AM: "Thank goodness, he just needed his pacifier." 

[Watch the baby monitor for five minutes to make sure he is asleep. He is. Get back in bed.]

4:21 AM: [Baby fusses]

4:22 AM: "Seriously?! This kid has a sixth sense for when my head hits the pillow."

4:24 AM: [Return binky]

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4:28 AM: [Hear sucking on the monitor, baby cries]

4:30 AM: "I hate that damn pacifier."

5:00 AM: "Why hasn't the baby woken up to eat again? Or made a noise? I'd better go check on him."

[Put finger under baby's nose. He is breathing and sound asleep.]

5:01 AM: "I love you so much." [Cry a little bit]

5:05 AM: [To self] "Why are you crying right now? And why are you standing here staring at him like a creep?! Sleep when the baby sleeps!"

5:09 AM: [Baby cries]

5:10 AM: "I knew he'd be hungry."

5:11 AM: "Why hasn't my husband woken up once to see if the baby — OR HIS WIFE — needs anything?"

5:15 AM: "Maybe I'll just shoot for the grocery store and a walk tomorrow."

[Baby has fallen asleep eating]

5:26 AM: "He is so delicious when he sleeps. I could stay like this forever."

5:30 AM: "I should change his diaper, but I'd hate to wake him. I'll just hold him a little longer."

[Lay baby down, go back to bed]

5:40 AM: "But what if he's uncomfortable with that dirty diaper on? I should change it."

5:45 AM: "Seriously, why hasn't my husband woken up once this whole time?! Screw him."

5:50 AM: "Look at him, sleeping soundly. Must be nice. I am not talking to him in the morning. Oh wait, it is morning and I've been up all night."

6:00 AM: "I should just get up and shower right now."

7:00 AM: [Hear grunting on the monitor. Look to see baby struggling to escape swaddle.]

7:02 AM: [Go into baby's room. He gives you the biggest smile in the whole world, and you forget that you have gotten maybe two hours of sleep, and that not too long ago, you were promising your first grandchild to Rumpelstiltskin if he or anyone would just let you sleep.]

"Hi buddy! Did you have a good night's sleep? I love you, I love you, I love you."

7:05 AM: "I think we'll just stay home today..."

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Rachel Farrell’s work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Ninth Letter, the Offing, PANK, and Vestal Review.