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In case you were wondering.
By Derek Felton — Written on May 23, 2016
In May 2012 I made the most mature decision of my adult life when I proposed to my wife. The feelings I had were so divergent in the days leading up to when I popped the question: light-headedness, happiness, nervousness and so forth. But the most prominent sensation was joy. To my surprise, there was also a rush of relief.
I had finally connected with my soul mate and made the choice to be with her. No longer would I have the distress I once entertained as a single guy hoping to find love one day.
The cool thing about being a young, single (dare I say handsome) guy is that you have choices. There's a whole island full of them when you live in one of the world's major metropolises: New York. Eventually though, we all make a selection. Unless, of course, we're referring to the gross 60-year-old cat in the club trying to bag a not-quite-post-grad baddie with 1970s pick-up lines. Do ya thing, playboy.
Growing up, my mom used to tell me that not everyone will be happy for your good fortune. For the most part, people were happy for me. But some of my exes were angry because I didn't choose them.
Some of them blocked me on Facebook or unfollowed me on Twitter. One even asked me why I chose my wife and not her. At the time, I refused to answer her because, although she said she wanted closure, what she really wanted was a confrontation and I wasn't about to satisfy her thirst for a fight.
Look, you have the right to be angry. I totally understand if you're pissed because of his dishonesty or broken promises. I also get how seeing him post engagement pictures on your timeline would set you the f*ck off.
Now that I've had a few years to reflect, I'm ready to answer her and any woman who wants to know why she wasn't the chosen one for the man she had eyes for. Women always say that they want the truth, that they want to know what we're thinking and how we're feeling.
Well here it is, straight, no chaser. This is why he chose the other chick over you.
1. You were good for a moment in time, not for all times.
We all know the quote, "People come into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime." It's your job to figure out which one it is and then act accordingly. You had your turn with him and I'm sure you had some great times. But, all relationships exist to teach us lessons about ourselves.
I coach women to practice effective questioning. The typical questions in this situation are "Why did he leave?" or "What did I do wrong?" Those questions are ridden with fear and self-pity. A more empowering question to ask is "What did I learn from this experience?" or "What did this teach me about myself that will prepare me for my next situation?"
2. You didn't make a great impression on those closest to him (if you ever met them at all).
Say what you want, but guys do value the opinions of their closest loved ones. Maybe you think it's childish that outsiders significantly influence his relationship choices. Like a biscuit sopping up gravy, he will take on their views about you. This usually happens unconsciously. I can tell you from personal experience that if his homies think you're cool and smart, it will reinforce that you're cool and smart in his mind.
There are some guys who will cast aside the opinions of their friends and family when it comes to love. My guess is that you want to be with someone who is a confident, independent thinker, strong enough to make his own choices.
3. His gut told him that your relationship wouldn't flourish long-term.
It's a myth that only women are intuitive and emotional while men are strictly logical and non-feeling. Both men and women have the ability to intuit. As a society, we accept that women are born with uncanny instincts. However, men who know themselves are also in sync with their feelings.
All of us pick up on energy and we know when the vibe isn't right. Yes, you guys cracked jokes on each other and liked the same music. That wasn't enough for him, though. There was some other data he had that made him say "Nope, not the one."
My guess is that you knew something was up, too. You sensed that he was pulling away from you, ever so subtly. Then, you ignored all of the signs because you desperately wanted it to work. In this way, he put his male hardwiring to use and make a choice, but you neglected your gift and let him make a decision about your heart.
4. You lacked chemistry in a critical area.
The connection could have been lacking in the bedroom or in your religious views or even your political leanings. You both probably waited for the chemistry to develop in one or more areas, but it didn't. So, he said to himself, "Nah this ain't gonna happen" and he began executing his exit strategy.
He wasn't willing to fool himself into thinking he'd eventually fall in love with you. After the infatuation ran out and the lust-filled smoke cleared, he realized there was nothing there for him to build on.
Yes, you're probably a good person. But, so what? The "market" is oversaturated with good women. That doesn't mean that you aren't valuable or you don't bring something to the table. He just didn't want to sit at the table with you for the next 5 to 10 years.
Don't fret, my dear. Although this hurts, it isn't a bad thing. His decision to move on might have saved you from years of pain and regret.
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Derek Felton helps women perform the inner alchemy of perfecting self-love at, Deeper Luv.
