If You're One Of These 5 Mom Types, You're Raising Little Assh*les

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Family, Heartbreak

If you're raising your kids like this, I probably won't like your kid.

I'm a mother of two young kids and if there's anything I've learned in my parenting career thus far, it's that mothers are the second most judgmental group of people on the face of the planet (first place is reserved for all the people who don't have children, but feel entitled to tell real parents how wrong they're doing everything).

Really though, I've sat through playgroups where you would've thought God HIMSELF was on trial with the heated debates moms have on vaccinations and circumcision.

You want to see an angry woman? Hell hath no fury like a mother who refuses to give her child the MMR vaccine in the face of a differing opinion.

You might as well sew a scarlet letter right onto that poor woman, because the pro-vaxxers will hunt her down and personally tend to her exile. Yet, if there's one thing most moms can all agree on, it's that we don't like the little assh*les some of you are raising, particularly the assh*les that are raised by these types of moms:

1. The mom who uses Pinterest as her inspiration for EVERYTHING.

You know who you are, mom who stay up until 2AM making your kid's teacher a 1st day of school gift entirely from pencils, dryer lint, organic toothpicks, and gold.

You're the mom who throws elaborate birthday parties where you spent weeks hand-sewing the birthday banner, cutting out cake fondant, and buying scrapbook supplies to create invitations that drained your child's college fund.

You're the mom who does their child's science project for them and "assists" them in every coloring contest they've ever entered. Not because you feel controlling, but because you think you're guiding them down the overachieving path toward adulthood.

2. The mom who forces her healthy, organic eating on her offspring.

"We only allow Paleo seeds and spring water ice cubes in this house, because everything else is just sugar and cancer."

Your poor little assh*le is going to grow up drinking a gluten free, wheatgrass (whatever the hell that is), chia-infused, pomegranate smoothie in the corner of some juicing shop with the rest of his hippie friends. Or, so you'd like to think.

In reality, your kid is going to run off to college for no reason other than the fact that they have a cafeteria, and 45 pounds later he's going to come home for Christmas break with 45 pounds of ramen noodles, beer, and pizza on his hips. 

3. The mom who's WAY too into free-range parenting.

What is it with this new parenting trend anyway? "Kids need freedom, kids learn best when they learn to be responsible for themselves! So go child, explore the world without me!" Yes, kids need independence, but they also need parents because um, they're still children.

No one is telling you to become a helicopter mom but setting your kids free everyday "in the search for independence" means as teens, they end up smoking on my front lawn, ding-dong-ditching my doorbell, and doing who the hell knows what else because NOBODY IS WATCHING THEM.

You're not raising an independent child; you're raising a juvenile delinquent. 

4. The mom who can't let go.

The flip side to the free-range mom, no one likes the kid who grows up unable to function on their own because attachment parenting morphed into dependence parenting.

Trust me on this. Many of my friends have married — and subsequently divorced — some of those grown up little assh*les, the ones who somehow made it to adulthood without ever really becoming adults; the ones who never learned to detach from mommy because mommy never learned to detach from them.

So attachment parenting moms: get a grip. Love them, hold them, but at some point let them go. Your kid's future spouse will thank you.

5. The mom who won't shut up about her "honor roll" kid.

"Bobby is so smart! He's like the smartest kid, ever. Don't you agree? Isn't Bobby the smartest kid ever? Isn't he the best singer you've ever heard? Isn't he? Doesn't he draw the best pictures? Doesn't he? Did you know he's the fastest kid on his track team? Did you know that?"

Sure, Bobby might be smart, talented, and athletic, but he's also kind of an assh*le because thanks to you, he thinks he's better than everyone else.