The Woman's Guide To Marriage: 28 Brutal Truisms About Being A Wife
Marriage is hard, but these truths will help prepare you.
Kseniia Perminova, Andrea Piacquadio, luvemakphoto | Canva You love him. He loves you. Vows are exchanged. You wear bands of gold on your fingers to symbolize that you belong to one another. You're going to have a lovely time growing old together, but here are 28 truths about spending the rest of your life with the same man.
The woman's guide to marriage: 28 brutal truisms about being a wife:
1. Marriage is hard
Grandma told you it wasn't going to be a walk in the park, and Grandma was right. It's not a walk in the park. It's not even a jet-ski ride across the Gulf of Mexico during an F4 hurricane. It's hard!
2. Honeymoons come to an end
Receiving flower bouquets and sentimental love notes just because it's Thursday won't last forever. By the time Valentine's Day #3 rolls around, you're lucky to get a melted Snickers bar he found in the floorboard of his truck.
3. Arguing is inevitable
His horrible dishwasher-loading technique and mounds of belly button lint are going to strike a nerve like lightning strikes the Empire State Building.
4. He'll never stop farting
House plants may die and vomiting may be induced but this won't deter him. It's relentless, y'all. Relentless.
5. He'll never use a coaster
No, aliens haven't contacted your coffee table. Those aren't crop circles; those are drink rings, courtesy of your better half.
6. He'll always miss the hamper by 2 inches
Men can kill animals from two football field lengths away, but they can't get a pair of boxer shorts in a big plastic container. Go figure.
7. He'll pee on the toilet seat
See #6.
8. He's probably not listening to you
What was that? No, he's not.
9. You'll need to hold back the truth sometimes
Never tell him this: "That was fast. The commercial break isn't even over."
10. He may grope you relentlessly
Try to be flattered that he finds you irresistible while you make spaghetti in sweatpants and a Turbie Twist.
11. You'll forget what it's like to be single
Kind of like you don't remember life before your pet followed your every move, you won't remember what it's like to cook for one and watch Netflix every night.
12. He'll question your sanity
That's okay. You know he's the reason you went crazy in the first place.
13. He won't remember most of your stories
You've told him about all of the horrible things your high school nemesis did to you, but when you run into her in Hobby Lobby, he'll assume you're old pals.
14. Keep private things private
Be a trustworthy spouse. His bedroom problems should never be a conversation at the Thanksgiving table.
15. He's thinking about being intimate
Always.
16. He's thinking about football
Always.
17. He's thinking about being intimate on a football field
Always x 2.
18. You'll wonder how he walks around with that thing all-day
Is it a burden having an appendage that dangles like that? It has to be, right? This will puzzle you for years to come.
19. He's going to thrust around naked in the bathroom
Just block it out and keep applying your eyeliner.
20. Don't tell him his manhood is "cute"
"Mighty," "amazing," and even "intimidating" are all better choices. Puppies are cute; his body parts are not.
21. Don't forget to make out
Remember the carefree days of courtship when you had a good old make-out session? Kissing on the couch is good for the soul.
22. Life is not a Ludacris song
Get your old, married self out of the club and go home to your man every night. The same goes for him.
23. Marriage is not a Harlequin book
If a grandmother was reading your marital bed tales in a waiting room, she probably wouldn't blush. It's okay that he's not Fabio and you aren't a milkmaid.
24. You'll miss him when he's gone
He'll announce he has to go out of town for a week on business and you'll be ecstatic. You can sleep in the middle of the bed for seven whole days, but the truth is you'll miss that beautiful man once he's gone.
25. Feed the man
I know you're tired, woman. I know the last thing you want to do is slave over a hot stove and make a homemade dish for your significant other but feed him at least one meat and potatoes meal per month. The way to his heart is through his stomach.
26. Respect him
If he deserves your respect, freely and frequently give it to him. You have no idea how joyful and fulfilled your admiration makes him.
27. Cut him some slack
He's going to forget one birthday, one holiday, or the anniversary of the first time you held hands in the Everglades on a Tuesday. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
28. It's all worth it in the end
After you've helped him put new tennis balls on his walker, take a seat in your matching rocking chairs. Look down at your liver-spotted hand in his as your grandchildren frolic on the lawn and remember why you married this man. Then tell him you love him.
Susannah B. Lewis is an author, blogger, and podcaster. Her videos and articles have been featured in Reader’s Digest, Parents Magazine, US Weekly, Yahoo!, Huffington Post, Unilad, and TODAY, among many others.