Move Over, Metros! Science Identifies 4 New Breeds Of Men

geeky guy

Remember the "metrosexual?" In the 1990s, the Metrosexual was a man who, in certain circles, was sometimes mistaken for being gay, because of their keen sense of fashion and style. (Ah! The ignorance of the 90s!) Metrosexuals were, if we go by the definition and stereotypes, the men out there who waxed and even injected the word "manscaping" into our daily conversations. My guy totally manscapes! Does yours?

Depending on how effeminate or masculine you like your men, this could be either a good thing or an awful thing. Then, eventually, the term was sort of phased out. No one really says Metrosexual anymore, except for maybe that one friend who just discovered the Internet last week.

Now, because assigning people to specific categories is just how society rolls, there's a "new breed of men" and a "new phrase coined to describe them," all of whom have sort of sprung out of the very well moisturized and perfectly manicured ashes of the Metrosexual. Are you ready?

I would like to introduce you to Mr. Mandrogynous, Mr. Mainstream Moustache, Metro-Dude (not to be mistaken with Metrosexual, of course), and Mr. Remantic. Go ahead and roll your eyes; how else are you supposed to properly process such, well, rubbish?

According to a new study, (yes, there was actually a study), as with the Metrosexual, these four specific new types of men adhere to certain behaviors and looks that keep them safely in their assigned categories.

For example, Mr. Mandrogynous is "a slap in the face to the old-school stereotypes of red-blooded heterosexual males," while the Remantic is "suave, sophisticated, and high powered," with a tenacity for setting "trends in the city" thanks to his big bucks. Mr. Mainstream Moustache, on the other, doesn’t appear to have much money and tragically falls into the "not quite a hipster," group, while Metro-Dude is apparently whom we can thank for "re-inventing geek chic," as he talks incessantly about algorithms and apps. I was under the impression that Rivers Cuomo of Weezer made geek chic a thing in the 90s with their debut album, but maybe that was straight-up "geek?" I don't know. It's all hurting my brain.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say these four "new breeds" of men are far more nightmarish than Zuckerberg's hoodie and jeans. Although Mr. Mainstream Moustache is definitely the less douchy of the group, overall, there are no real redeeming qualities in any of them. Does anyone want to be with Mr. Mandrogynous who, according to "expert" opinion is "a narcissist" who bases his very existence on how good he looks at all times? Or The Remantic, who, based on his description is pretty much just one more huge financial deal away from finally giving in to his inner Patrick Bateman?

Well, maybe you do want to be with one of these guys. If that's the case, then all that remains is choosing the one for you. You could go for an average Joe, but in a world of so many possibilities, don't you deserve to up your game a bit? Besides, who doesn't want to utter the words, "Yeah, I'm totally dating Mr. Mandrogynous. It's going really well when he's not admiring his biceps in the mirror." I mean, that right there is true gold, and definitely the type of things that's going to make all your girlfriends super jealous of you.

Each "breed" of man also sticks to their very on specific grooming ritual, too, because honestly, that's really what all of this is about.


Mr Mainstream Moustache, our sorry lout who's not quite a hipster, tries to keep his grooming original and doesn't want to do what everyone else out there is doing.

Mr Mandrogynous is "buffed and supremely preened," and is unselfconscious about his affinity for tanning booths and excessive waxing of everything.

Metro-Dudes are clean-shaven and stylish, noting that "Mark’s Zuckerberg's hoodie and jeans are just the memory of a nightmare"

The Remantic's ritual can be summed up as: "There's no work-out too tough, and no regime too expensive This guy will go to any lengths to prove he's the best." Basically, he's the biggest douchebag on the block who probably sees himself as some sort of real-life Christian Grey.